Slave to the Porcelain Goddess

2004-07-31T02:26:00.000-07:00

01. When I was younger, I made some bad decisions
02. I don't watch much TV these days
03. I love olives
04. I love sleeping
05. I own lots of books
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses
07. I love to play video games
08. I've tried marijuana
09. I've watched porn movies
10. I have been in a threesome
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy
13. I have acne free skin
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton
15. I curse frequently
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17. I have a hobby
18. I've been told I: (women) have an applebottom, (men) am packing.
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
20. I'm really, really smart
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal
23. I hate the rain
24. I'm paranoid at times
25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free
26. I need money right now
27. I love Sushi
28. I talk really, really fast
29. I have fresh breath in the morning
30. I have semi-long hair
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis
35. I have a twin
36. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelasses in the past
37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
38. I like the way that I look
39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months
40. I know how to cornrow
41. I am usually pessimistic
42. I have a lot of mood swings
43. I think prostitution should be legalized
44. I think Britney Spears is hot (non homosexual way)
45. I have cheated on a Sig. O. in the past
46. I have a hidden talent
47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
48. I think that I have a lot of friends
49. I am currently single
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex (not romantically that is.)
51. I enjoy talking on the phone
52. I practically live in sweatpants
53. I love to shop
54. I would rather shop than eat
55. I would classify myself as ghetto
56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders
57. I'm obsessed with my LJ
58. I don't hate anyone. I dislike them.
59. I'm a DAMN good dancer haha
60. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington (?)
61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother
62. I have a cell phone...so call me!! (805-259-7157)
63. I believe in God
64. I watch MTV on a daily basis
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
66. I love drama
67. I have never been in a real relationship before
68. I've rejected someone before
69. I currently have a crush on someone
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
71. I want to have children in the future
72. I have changed a diaper before
73. I've called the cops on a friend before
74. I bite my nails
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club
76. I'm not allergic to anything
77. I have a lot to learn
78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie
80. I am very shy around the opposite sex
81. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message
82. I have at least 5 away messages saved
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs at a party
84. I have made a move on a friend's Sig. O. in the past
85. I own the "South Park" movie
86. I have avoided assignments at work to be on LJ
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum
88. I enjoy country music
89. I would die for my best friends
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can
92. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all (only the music)
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story"
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it
98. I have dated a close friend's ex
99. I'm happy as of this moment

2004-05-15T18:57:00.000-07:00

I'm okay for now....peace out.

2003-05-07T00:28:00.000-07:00

I did the most amazing things today...you will be sooooo proud!!!! After I hit rock-bottom yesterday, I thought I was ready to just let myself die, but then last night I was up looking at old pictures of me from last summer that were scanned on the computer, and it made me soooo nostalgic and sad because I appeared so happy and I wish I still was. Well that got me thinking more and more about my life and I decided that it might be worth my efforts to try recovery for awhile. I mean, how much worse could it be than being stuck in my eating disorder, you know?! So I ended up drinking three (LOL) cups of black coffee at like 2:00am and stayed up all night long, as a way of perhaps getting me to be able to sleep the next night, because nothing makes you more miserable than sleeping during the day and staying up all night, and if I want to start regulating my meals I NEED to do it during daylight hours...so you can imagine how hyper I was this morning after the initial sleepiness passed. It set me up for a glorious day...listen to all of the things that I did for myself:
I did my laundry for the very first time and didn't ruin any of my clothes...YAY!!!
I decided that the pediatrician lady was NOT doing me any good so I called (yes, all by my little self) her office and asked them to kindly give her the message that I'm switching doctors.
I then asked around and discovered that there is a GP doctor with the Samsun medical clinic place on Patterson, which would be waaaaaaay easier to get to appointments since that is actually in Goleta near me, rather than downtown like where most of the doctors are...so I looked him up in the phonebook, took mental note of his number, called the office, said that I was wondering if I could make an appointment with Dr. Scheib as a new patient, and it was as easy as that!!! So I'm all set to meet with this new guy who is supposedly really nice and caring on Thursday at 3:15pm! And since transportation is always a huge problem since I don't drive, I was nervous about asking my dad to take me, but he was soooo happy that I took the initiative and called the doctor on my own without any help at all, that he was fine with taking me, especially since it's sooooo close to where I live.
I went with my dad to the DMV and picked up a copy of the 2003 driver's handbook because I want to study it and renew my permit that expired literally two years ago lol!!!
I walked (yes, it's a miracle that I actually felt well enough to walk) from my house to Vons and picked up some cottage cheese (the absolute BEST food for me to eat when I want to keep it down because it's non-fat and tastes GREAT), then I walked all the way from there to Washington Mutual and waltzed right into that bank, withdrew money with ease, and walked back home. That was amazing because I usually never go anywhere alone in public because i'm too afraid of what others are thinking about me, but today I just said SCREW IT and did whatever I needed to do!
The most important thing that I did today was voluntarily EAT and NOT THROW UP!!! YES!!!!
I can't even remember the last time that happened...it must have been years and years ago.
The only thing is that I feel like i ate waaaaay too much today, like way more than an average person would have eaten, when I was just trying to eat regularly and frequently.
Sorry for asking this but I NEED to, did I eat too much today? Or like did I eat a perfect amount or too little (noooo way that thta is true but oh well)?

Breakfast: one banana, one cup of cottage cheese
mid-morning snack: one apple with 3/4 cup of ff plain yogurt
Lunch: (I went out to eat with my daddy) one cup of vegetable soup, half a small garden salad with herbal french dressing on the side
afternoon snack: one apple with 1/2 cup of cottage cheese
Dinner: (I went out to eat with Sean at Chilis) a few handfuls of tortilla chips with salsa, half a grilled chicken caribbean salad with lite dressing on the side
late-night snack: one small potato with some lite sour cream, an apple with half a cup of cottage cheese.
And that was my lovely food for the day that I can't believe I kept down!!! I mean, it seems like so much but maybe that's just because I'm so distorted in the way I see things. I'm just really happy I kept it down!!! =0)))))
So that was my lovely day!!! And now I will hopefully be able to sleep tonight since I feel better about myself and actually got outside today. So yay!

2003-04-27T05:54:00.000-07:00

Sunday, April 27th, 2003
4:53 am *yawns*
Well it is currently 5:00am but I haven't exactly gone to bed yet...but then again, what's new?!?!
It's been such an exciting night for me:
I threw up waaaaaaaaaaay too many times
I cleaned my bathroom
I washed dishes
I vacuumed the family room
I thought I had screwed up my mother's computer but after spending an hour running Scandisk on it, I gave up and then it magically began working again...
Ummmmmmmmmmmm...yeah not much went on.
Oh my gosh but I did do one important thing...
At like 11:00pm I was talking to Sean on the phone and he managed to get me to leave a message for Roberta at UCLA, asking her to please call me back asap and relaying to her how much I want to recover and how I think UCLA can really help me this time. So that was a huge step in the right direction....let's just all pray now that I can persuade Dr. Strober and everyone there to take me back in...it would be a true miracle but I have hope. That would just make me feel one thousand times better because I'd know that help was on its way.
But who knows what will happen.
I really wish I had a doctor right now...I'm getting very sick and losing a lot of weight and pretty soon I'm just going to have to show up at the Er for a quickfix...again.
*sigh*
My mom is coming home from Las Vegas sometime today and I'm glad, yet dreading her arrival because I need to inform her that we have to call a plumber out to fix my shower (the pipe holding the shower head just snapped and hit me in the head *ouchies* while I was showering a few days ago) and that Bryan (my brother) needs a new tire because one of his is flat...
But hey...at least now her computer is up and running again or else I'd have to spring that piece of bad news on her, too!
Well I'm off to go do whatever the hell I feel like doing now...maybe it will be sleep...maybe it will be eat...who knows...but I love you all tons and hope you are all happy!
=0)
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Saturday, April 26th, 2003
2:31 am Disgusting...
It is currently after 2:30am right now but I'm up because I'm suffering from severe insomnia as always and also because my mother is in Las Vegas this weekend, leaving me home with just my brother, and he managed to leave me all alone tonight by spending the night at a friend's house. So due to the fact that I'm here all by myself, I'm eating and throwing up like CRAZY and it is driving me mad! I'm to the point where I WISH my brother had stayed home with me tonight because then I wouldn't be engaging in my eating disorder so much. And you know what?
Right before he left, I was standing in the kitchen, pouring loads of ketchup on my hot-out-of-the-oven french fries, and he asked me:
"Amy, are you sure you'll be okay alone tonight?"
It was as if he knew exactly what was going to happen and he was almost concerned about me...how odd considering he never cared about a thing that went on with me before...I mean, yes he IS my twin brother but he has been totally whacked out from drugs and all and he comes from our same dysfunctional family so anger problems arise...but it worries me in a way, when I look so awful and my eating disorder is running wild, that my usually uncaring brother notices my struggles.
How sad.
I'd say I've thrown up about *7* times in the past five hours, and that is just horrifying! I'm so, so sick. And after almost everytime I purge, I have major hypoglycemia five to ten minutes following it, which causes me to feel incredibly nauseated, shaky, dizzy, and have odd vision problems. So then I have to whip out the fruit juice and drink up so I don't pass out on the floor. Fun fun fun.
Another horrible problem that I'm oh-so-often plagued with, is starting to result from the excessive puking: hypokalemia! My favorite!!!! It's such a dandy complication to have because it makes your legs all tingly and unsteady and your arms/hands become numb and you get dizzy when you walk, and oh my gosh I can't leave out the best symptom of low potassium: chest pains and palpitations, signifying cardiac arrhythmias...I mean it is just SOOOOO much fun wondering if I'm going to die in the middle of the night from electrolyte imbalances!!!
((((((((((((((((major sarcasm)))))))))))))))))
Ugh...I've been out of the hospital for barely two whole days and I'm already struggling both emotionally and physically again.
How pathetic.
What was really interesting that I observed after the last time I was throwing up, was that my stomach caves in farther underneath my ribcage...
It is as if I am sucking in my stomach soooooo far that it becomes completely concave and you can literally fit your hands underneath my ribs and hold them, except that I'm not sucking in.
I was looking in the mirror, wondering about the new feature of my stomach and you know what?
It's disgusting...
I AM DISGUSTING.
I look soooooo horrible....so sick...so pale...so young...like I'm 18 going on 12!
I really need some serious help and I'm going to fight as hard as I can for it.
On Monday I'm going to call Roberta at UCLA since stupid Dr. Strober never called me back, and I'm going to beg and plead and do whatever it takes to get an okay from her for me to be placed on the waiting list to get into the program. I'll freakin write an apology letter if I need to!
I'm just becoming more and more fearful that I'm going to die if I don't get REAL help soon, and it is all up to me now, so I'm going to search for it...
Let's just pray that UCLA will understand and believe my commitment to recover and take me back in.
It'd be ideal because that way I know my insurance already covers it.
Awwwwwwwww...I wish I had a magic wand to fix up all of my problems, along with all of yours, too.
We all deserve better than this shit and I strongly believe that we will get through the rough times as long as we hold on to the sense of sanity that says, "keep fighting."
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Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003
11:20 pm A lovely night
Well I got released from Cottage Hospital around 2:00pm this afternoon after my sudden admittance there yesterday. To sum it all up for you:
My doctor (EX-doctor now since she really doesn't want to handle my care after having to put me back in the hospital again) decided to admit me because she ran an EKG on me at her office and apparently it was really, really bad.
So I skipped the ER trip thank God and went straight to the hospital where my blood was drawn and it was found out that my potassium was horribly low, my chloride was also really low, my CO2 level was high (all these things happen with excessive vomiting), and my heart was messed up from all the electrolyte problems.
After five massive bags of sodium chloride pumping into my veins at a rapid rate, and a huge bolus of potassium chloride, my labs were much better and so my ex-doctor sent me home. YAY!
So here I am now, anxiously awaiting my mother's three day departure starting tomorrow (she's off to Las Vegas again..surprise surprise) and I'm trying to hang in there.
Times are tough but I won't cave in...
I just...won't.

I hope everyone is doing well!
Mwahs!
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Monday, April 21st, 2003
8:06 pm *Scared*
Oh my gosh...I am really scared right now. I have not been doing well at all this past week, eating disorder-wise and so now I'm suffering the consequences...yep. The same, painfully familiar physical issues that always result from excessive purging and lack of nutrition/fluids. But I dragged out all of my courage and set up an appointment to see Dr. Hrach tomorrow at 3:00pm even though I have no clue if she will still handle my situation or if she is even my doctor still, but I need to see someone ASAP because I have never felt this horrible before, as far as I can recall. And I know what she is going to say..."Go to the ER NOW." So that freaks me out because I absolutely cannot stand the ER...it terrifies me to the utmost degree. And then I have to wonder if the Er doctor who sees me will want me to spend many, many hours in the ER trying to correct my MAJOR potassium deficiency or if he will admit me and I don't know what I'll do it that happens and I bet my mother won't even know I'm not home....but that's good because I don't want her to know I'm really sick again...I don't need her abuse right now. And thank God my father gave me my own insurance card, so there is no reason whatsoever why she would have to be contacted if I'm in the ER. Okay, phew...but anyway, so I just need to last till tomorrow and then something has to happen or I'm going to die. Seriously. Die. It's scary. The tingling in my legs is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad, and what proves to me even more that my potassium may be lower than it ever has been before, is how numb my hands and arms are...And then there's the chronic dizziness I feel from being dehydrated, which I am positive I am since I've barely been able to catch my breath due to my heart that beats at like rapid rates of 180!!!!!! I try to drink glass after glass of water to bring my heart rate down, but it doesn't work well enough...like at the best, it brings it down to maybe 130 while I'm sitting....omg that's sooooooo bad! My heart is just so messed up in general...it hurts soooooooo much at random times throughout the day, especially if I eat or drink anything which is pretty strange. And one new horrible problem has occurred: I'm been spewing up blood sometimes while I'm throwing up...like bright red blood that scares me half to death! I think I screwed up my esophagus because ever since I started noticing the blood, my throat/esophagus has been like burning nonstop and it's rather uncomfortable. *Sigh* Oh...another weird thing that's been happening is that my blood sugar has been getting sooooooo low for me...I have one of those glucose monitor things and I checked it when I woke up this afternoon at 4:00 and my blood sugar was 44!!!! I was like, ohhhhh crap, so I checked it again and it said 47 so then it clicked in my brain that that was probably why my hands were so shaky and why I was so dizzy, so i actually drank a glass of juice and kept it down. I'm in such bad shape, and as scared as I am to see the doctor tomorrow, I'm sort of content because I know something will be done and that I'll get help for my plummeting health, so that's a really good thing. I don't want to die...I'm not going to let myself die...Even as traumatic as going to the Er is for me, if it makes me feel better then the pain is worth it...
ARG...why can't i just be normal and eat like a regular person and stop throwing up? I truly HATE throwing up but I feel so bloated and sick after eating that I can't really help it...I want to call UCLA and plead my case to get in there, but I'm soooo afraid of what they will think about me...I don't want to look stupid. Man, oh man.....but whatever...once I get my health straightened out, I can search for treatment options.
Okay, sorry for blabbing about my pathetic dying self...
I hope you are all okay!!!!!
(((((((((((((((((((hugs for all))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Thursday, April 17th, 2003
12:13 am Poem written April 16th 3:00am lol
Lost Souls
By Amy Robbins

The olden days shine forever
Off snow-peaked hilltops they roll
Gleaming like emeralds
In the summer sun of my soul.
Daisies of desire dance
Amidst the soothing hush of wind
While visions of loveliness
Never cease to end.
Smiles blossom into carefree
Giggles of youth
Protecting hearts of blissful ignorance
From the unspeakable truth.
Hope reveals joy from shield
Of strength within
But even that burning flame
Cannot quench the downpour
Destined to begin.
Droplets of rain fall helplessly
From the blackened sky
Gathering pools of shadows
Where the lilies used to lie.
Ghosts of wickedness
Pass through locked doors without a key
Invading painted bedrooms of little strangers
With an unsightly reign of glee.
With pale fingertips grasping their throats
She screams and he cries
But no one comes to the rescue
Fore neither mommy nor daddy can see the fear
In their desperate childrens’ eyes.
Echoes of thunder crash above while
Lightning strikes over the haunted home
Where both the weak boy and girl
Sob softly as the fleshly demons roam.
Bodies blossom with age
But emotions remain the same
Zombies wander around listlessly
With no real objective or aim.
No more happiness
Or young minds full of glory
Just frightened individuals
Praying there truly is a God
Listening to their sad story.
But even in this period of darkness
Although the light may have flickered
From Heaven’s always to Hell’s never
The dreams of the pure-hearted lead the way
Because memories of the olden days
Shine forever.
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Tuesday, April 15th, 2003
4:54 pm Let's all be proud now...
Guess what?
Last night I actually kept down two cans of V8 juice (nasty but one has 780 mg of potassium) and I swallowed down two potassium chloride pills with them...so that averages out to about 60 meq of potassium, which means I've made major headway in correcting my deficiency so yay! My legs aren't horribly tingly anymore! And I only gained two pounds of water weight from it, putting me at a lovely (uuuuugh but whatever) 103.5-104 pounds. I'm dealing with it, so no worries. But I gotta jet now...just wanted to share the good news with you all! =0)
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Monday, April 14th, 2003
9:17 pm A few hours later today
Sent to Tracy again:

Hey Tracy~
Sorry to e-mail you twice in one day but I've had such a change of heart in the past couple of hours and everything I said before in my earlier letter has changed. I don't know why but it suddenly occurred to me that I'm sick of always feeling like I'm dying and worrying about things that other teenagers have no concern with, and so I'm going to try hanging in here at home for awhile. Like REALLY try. I called the doctor's office today and asked if they could have her call me back when convenient, but she never did so whatever...I'll just call again tomorrow. The reason I want to talk to her is because I would have a way easier time getting back on the road of medical stability if she could just write me a script for some K-tabs or something, so I plan on begging her for that. I'm going to also continue drinking loads of orange juice and eating potatoes for potassium, so maybe, hopefully in a few days my deficiency will be corrected. I am really going to work on cutting down how many times I throw up in a day and try to keep down as much food as possible because I want to stay alive and to live! I'm going to contact my school counselor tomorrow and get the names of some good therapists because I NEED therapy....and more importantly, I WANT it. I'll figure out some way of getting myself to appointments and of paying for it....Plus, my mom says that she really wants me to get my license soon, so she is going to take me to renew my permit this week and obviously, I have to be healthy for that, so yeah...I'm feeling a lot stronger mentally and emotionally and because of that, I'm working on feeling stronger physically, too. I don't know what caused this change in my thinking patterns, but now I'm hopeful....I don't need to live my life in a freakin hospital or treatment center 24/7...I miss life! And you know what? I'm fighting to get it back. I'm determined to get well....I am going to fix up my electrolyte problems, drink more to correct my dehydration, ask my dad about finding a medical doctor on our insurance list, contact a therapist that I can afford to see regularly and who could help me, and take a step back into the real world. So yes, that's my decision: for now, I'm going to do my best to hold on and stop worrying about my effin appearance.... I looked in the mirror today and you know what I saw for the very first time in years? Ugliness...like sheer ugliness because I have no body....I'm all cheekbones and eyes, and oh yes, skin...very pale paper-thin skin. My stomach does not look okay.....it sinks in...like waaaaaaaay in to the point where I can reach my hands up under my ribs and hold them there. When wearing certain clothes, I have to be careful because my ribs can be easily seen through the back of my shirt, along with my WONDERFUL (sarcasm) backbone that sticks out so far I have bruises on my back from sitting up against a desk at school. That's just....wrong. And my arms...I always thought my arms were the flabbiest part of me, but now....ewwwww they look awful. You can actually pinpoint the exact location where my muscle was eaten away by my body....what deterioration!!!! UGH. And my neck.....yuuuuuuuck....Sean can barely stand to look at me anymore because he says my neck is just all skin and tendons....up until today, I had no clue what he was talking about, but now I see. I see what the beast, anorexia has done to me....and I want to fix it....to clean up her godawful mess! It was so weird actually seeing myself the way I guess I really am because I usually see the world through distorted eyes....who knows how long reality will last, but I'm just glad I saw the truth for once.
Today I found hope and I'm truly thankful for that.
There, I rambled enough for now so I'll let you go, but thanks sooooo much for listening!
And oh yeah.....did you ever get a chance to see what I made for you? It's okay if you didn't or if you tohught it was stupid and hate it, but yeah...i was jsut wondering ya know.
Anyway, I hope you had a great day and I'll talk to you later!
=0)

<3 Always,
Amy

So that should have caught you up to date with how I'm doing right now....I want to recover! YES I DO!
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9:16 pm April 14th, 2003--today
Sent this morning to Tracy:

Hey Tracy~
I know that I was supposed to call the doctor today and go see her, but I am too frightened to do anything seeing as to how Sean is out of town until Wednesday, so if I set up an appointment it will be Wednesday or later so he can take me and I can avoid the unpleasant task of explaining to my parents why in the world such a "healthy" young girl like me needs to see a doctor right away. In the meantime, I'm trying to take in as much potassium through dietary sources as I can because I underestimated the severity of my deficiency and now it is really taking its toll on my body...I'd say that I'm at maybe a 2.3-2.5 which is sooooo not good and I'm actually terrified that I'm going to go into cardiac arrest or have a heart attack while I'm sleeping and so after much research, I calculated out that if I drink approximately three and a half cups of orange juice (28 ounces) then I will get 1,575 milligrams of potassium which I figured out to be a little more than 40 meq....that could sooooo help my deficiency, if I can keep it down....so right now I'm downing major orange juice for 110 calories a cup. I wouldn't be so scared if my heart didn't feel so....strange and jumpy...and if my chest pains weren't exacerbating. I'm trying to get a grip on my health....I don't want to die! Ahhhhhhh....
But anyway, I'm off now to lie down...my head is like spinning...I hope this stupid orange juice works!
I hope you are well and happy! =0)

<3 Always,
Amy
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9:14 pm April 7th, 2003
This was written on Monday to Joy, after a very looooooong weekend...it's a really long letter but sums up EVERYTHING that happened:

Hey Joy~
I'm back home now!!!!!!!!! Oh my God...it was the worst weekend of my entire life! I got released from the Ventura County psych ward this afternoon, after spending the whole weekend there on a 5150, 72-hour hold. It was horrible and scared me to death...the people freaked me out sooooo much and the staff was sooooo mean. I ended up meeting two sane people: A 34-year-old girl who had been molested and a 30-year-old alcoholic guy...we actually talked and became friends so that helped me get through the boring hours spent there, but it was still awful. I walked around in the ugly psych ward clothes since the stuff I was wearing was taken away...they wouldn't even let me have my freakin stuffed animal which really made me cry...I looked and felt sooooo bad! And the food was beyond gross, but I knew I had to eat a lot of it or else I'd be there forever, so I ate up. The highlight of my stay was yesterday when we got a new admit named Melanie who was a 39-year-old "crazy" girl claiming she was Jesus and that her son was the devil...she was sobbing because we were "all doomed and going to die" if she didn't get out to save our lives, and so I was holding her hand, trying to support her and let her know everything was going to be okay, and then my friend, who happens to be christian like me, came over and held the girl's other hand, and the three of us just sat there for a minute in silence...then all of a sudden there was a commercial on the TV for christian worship songs and so I broke out into song and then my friend started singing, too and so it became a kodak moment: My friend and I singing about God and the girl crying...but you know what made it so special to me? She stopped crying after about five minutes of us singing and she began to feel better...we actually ended up laughing and having to be separated for "making too much noise" so that really touched me...
But yeah...I'm sure you are wondering how in the world I ended up in a psych ward, so let me explain:
You could tell I was definitely not happy about having to go away to Pacific Shores on Friday morning since I couldn't stop crying hysterically and practically hyperventilating...that didn't stop for hours and so when I got to the treatment center, the director didn't know what to do because I was soooooooooo upset and I wanted to leave, so he literally SCREAMED at me about how immature I was acting and how I needed to stop throwing a tantrum and how selfish I was to be so caught up in my eating disorder and how lucky I was to have the chance to go to such a great facility....and that just made me cry even harder since I cannot stand being yelled, so then the director called the crisis team to come out and five minutes later I was being driven away in an ambulance to the ER...When I got to the ER, I was checked out and these two really nice cops talked to me...one mentioned to me that he was glad I got out of that program because he "didn't like the way the director was talking to me" and because he "got a bad feeling" from that place. I was like, yeah right on officer sir. So then I left the ER and was admitted to the psych ward at the Ventura County medical center, although the guy who admitted me told me that he didn't see why a normal girl like me was being placed on a 5150 there when I was obviously sane and thinking clearly. But so I stayed the weekend and today I was supposed to be transferred back to pacific shores (that was what my mom wanted) but they wouldn't take me back unless I begged and pleaded with them so I told the psychiatrist lady that I just wanted to get off of the psych ward and if the only way that was going to happen was if I went to pac shores, then I'd go, but that I'd much rather go home. Well the lady actually listened to me and so she called my mother and tried to get her to pick me up, but she refused and said she didn't want me at home, so then the lady asked me if I had anywhere else to go besides my mother's house, and so I was like, "ummmmm yeah...my boyfriend would let me stay with him..." and so she called him and talked him into picking me up so an hour later I was in Sean's mustang, driving away from the psych hospital. The first thing I said to him was, "So honey...how do you like my new look?" LOL I looked awful...hadn't showered since thursday, brushed my hair since friday, and I wasn't wearing a bra since it had been taken away due to the fact that I could hurt ymself with the underwire....riiiiiiiiight. Oh, and I could barely walk since my shoes had no shoelaces (they had been pulled out because I might randomly decide to hang myself or something)...so yeah. Fun fun fun.
But right now I am at home with my mom and brother because I managed to talk her into letting me still live here, since I really don't have anywhere else to go for more than a day or two and because she is my conservator and all and is supposed to take care of me...The only thing is that now she says I have to do everything for myself and that she isn't helping me with anything anymore, so I have to find a new medical doctor all by myself and find someone (it'll end up being sean) to take me to appointments, and I have to find some way of getting myself to and from school everyday because she won't drive me there anymore...and about therapy...well she doesn't want to pay for me to see anyone and I sure as hell have no money so I will no longer be seeing a therapist or nutritionist or psychiatrist. ARG that makes me mad because I had jsut found a therapist I really liked, but oh well...can't afford it, plus I don't know how I'd get to my therapy appointments since she won't take me. All I really need is a medical doctor to prescribe my medications to me..just someone I see every month or two for that reason...no more getting weighed every week, or at all for that matter because I can't pay for too many doctor visits and once again, I have no clue how I'd get to my appointments. Hmmm..that's kinda scary but it's how it has to be so I guess I'll deal with it.
And this friday my mom is going to court to become my permanent conservator....interesting how she can be my conservator when she isn't freakin taking care of me!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOSH that pisses me off. And she told me today that she is "never taking me to the ER again" because she will just "let me die"...and that she "doesn't want to hear about it if I'm feeling sick" or something because she "doesn't care if she walks into my room and finds me on the floor dead."
But you know what? It doesn't matter because I'm actually doing okay now. Seriously.
I've been eating and I weighed myself when I came home today, and I've actually been maintaining my weight at about 107-108 pounds, so no worries.
I really want to take GOOD care of myself now and I'm going back to school, starting tomorrow so I hope things work out okay.
But I've been blabbing on and on for like ever, so I'm really sorry because this e-mail is suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper long, but I wanted to update you on everything!
I miss you sooo much and oh my gosh, I wanted to thank you soooo freakin much for coming to see me on Friday during my time of need....that meant soooooooooo much to me..sorry if I freaked you out, though...all those times you thought you had seen me at my worst moments of anxiety...lol...I'm sure this last time topped them all. How sad....but anyway, I hope you are doing well and that everything is chill in your life!

<3,
Amy
(1 Comment |Comment on this)

9:09 pm Written shortly after the last letter
This was written on the 4th to my other favorite nurse at the hospital, Tracy:

Hey Tracy~
Okay here is the latest: I met with the therapist lady and I LOVE her and she basically told my mom and me a plan of action....So tonight my mom is taking me straight to the Er when she comes home from work and then I'm going to be admitted from there....then I'm going to get medically stable so that I can go to this residential treatment center called pacific shores in ventura that my insurance will cover.....you just have to be stable to go, so they wouldn't take me right now. So yeah, if everything works out as planned then I'll be back in the hospital tonight so don't worry, okay?!?! I'm not going to die...everything is fine...I'm getting help soon. But I have to go now and prepare myself for the lovely er........uuuuuuuuugh.........so hopefully I'll talk to you soon...when are you working next?? If I'm in the hospital and you are working, come see me, k?!!!11 Please!
(Comment on this)

9:03 pm Sent April 4th, 2003
I have not written in here for a looong time for various reasons and I feel that the best way to portray what has happened to me these past few days is to post up a couple of letters that I sent to certain people about how I was doing...

This was sent to one of my favorite nurses at the hospital, Joy on 4/04/03:

Hey Joy~
Oh my gosh you are going to kill me...I'm doing horribly...worse than ever!!!!!! It saddens me actually. As soon as I got used to being back home again, I totally freaked out and became overwhelmed and my eating disorder took over! I began messing with my TPN and unhooking myself and dumping the bag out because I wanted to lose weight, not maintain it. I continued my pattern of eating and throwing up an average of six times per day and so my body began to deteriorate again, the way it always does. I've lost almost nine pounds since I left the hospital, putting me at a hefty 104.5 pounds that I'm quickly bringing down each day...my potassium is low and I know this because I can feel that lovely oh-so-familiar tingling in my legs and the numbness of my hands...I'm soooooo dehydrated and it's pretty severe because the skin on my face is sooooooo freakin dry it's like practically flaking off...my heart is beating all wacko and has been hurting a lot more with each passing day as my potassium deficiency exacerbates...my health is soooo bad and I feel soooo sick again but my eating disorder is like running my life and I can't stop it!!!!!!!! I HATE the TPN and there is just no way that I can bring myself to letting it run through my vein...I don't want to absorb all of those calories and sugar and fats! And everything gets more complicated because I saw Dr. Hrach today and she was fed up with me...She is under the impression that I have way more control over my life than I do and so she just told me to take in the TPN and that it would fix my problems. I told her that I just couldn't and that I knew she couldn't possibly understand my logic behind that but it was my eating disorder making decisions for me....And do you know what she said??? This just made me sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy.....riiiiiiight: "You're not going to last more than a few days if you don't get the TPN....you are going to die." Hmmm thanks doctor for having hope, gosh. And then she drew some blood and I left. She sent me home to DIE! Maybe she thought I'd like give the TPN a chance after talking to her or something, but that obviously didn't happen. Tonight I just told my nurse lady that she didn't even need to bother hooking me up to the TPN because I don't want it. I feel like my doctor has given up on me! She's going to let me die....I really, really don't want to die but I seriously can't stop my eating disorder behaviors and urges...my mom is trying to contact this hospital in Iowa that treats eating disorders to get me inpatient there but the problem is whether or not I can live long enough to get into the program...like by the time they can get me in, it might be too late. I should have explained to the doctor that I'm trying to find a good inpatient treatment place that will take me, but sutpid me forgot to mention that and so my doctor thinks I'm pretty hopeless. Great....this situation is just soooooooo wonderful. But don't worry because I talked to Sean for like hours about everything and he says that even if my doctor has given up on me and is willing to let me die, he isn't....so in a few days when my potassium deficiency turns from serious (right now) to majorly life-threatening (then) he is going to take me to the ER and the people there can hook me up with some fluids and potassium chloride....and check out my heart to make sure I'm not going to have a sudden heart attack or go into cardiac arrest....So I won't let myself die....I can feel when my potassium is like REALLY bad, like 2.2 or something and right now it's just like maybe a 2.8 or 2.9 so not THAT horrible. When my heart starts throbbing ALL the time, I'll know I need to get potassium asap...I'll take care of myself so don't freak out! I just wish my doctor could have done something besides tell me I'm dying and send me on my way, but oh well...she doesn't understand....hardly anyone does. My disease is super complex and so I don't blame the world for not understanding me more, but still...I'm really sick and I seriously can't help it, so someone should do something and help me! I really wanted her to help me, but she just made me feel totally hopeless by giving up on me. I don't want to dieeeeeeeeeeeeee ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh but I don't know what to do....I'm really upset by this whole thing...it makes me depressed to be so sick again but I can't help myself...I just can't. But it's okay....I'll be fine because Sean is going to take care of me and make sure I stay alive......dang I'm scared.....what if like I underestimate the severity of my condition and just drop dead when I'm puking one of these days...oh my gosh....I'm really screwed up...okay okay I need to breathe and relax and go take some Ativan now...I'm sorry for driving you crazy with my lack of progress in recovering and with my health issues but it makes me feel better having you to talk to...thanks so much for listening!!!!!!!!! I really appreciate it! I miss you...

<3,
Amy
(Comment on this)

Tuesday, April 1st, 2003
1:13 pm *sigh*
I don't even know where to begin.
I'm doing HORRIBLY.
Like I've really hit rock bottom at this stage in my eating disorder, even more so now than ever before.
I'm still getting the TPN every night and I hate it! But let's just say that it's practically non-existent (haha)if you know what I mean!
My weight has gone down to 105.5 pounds since Friday afternoon when I left the hospital...at :::::::::gasps:::::::: 113.8 pounds so yeah, I'm aware that is a lot of weight to have lost but I can't really say how it happened...I just don't know. Depression does wonders for an anoretic in terms of decreasing appetite and increasing the need to sleep and therefore have most of the day occupied.
I see the medical doctor tomorrow....shit.
I'm going to have to boost up my weight magically somehow before my appointment at 4:15pm or else I'm in serious trouble. But that won't be hard because sadly enough, I'm super experienced in that area.
What makes it more complicated is that I know my doctor will draw blood from me and check various labs so I'm also going to have to create a sudden potassium increase in my body or it's uh-oh time.
That will be difficult to do but oh well...I've handled major challenges before.
Man, I am soooooooooooooo badand I really can't help it anymore.
But don't worry because I DO realize the direction I'm headed in and I've already started the research on inpatient (not stupid residential ugh) eating disorder treatment centers in the country...
What fun times lie ahead for me...
*sigh*

2003-04-25T01:33:00.000-07:00

my livejournal address:
www.livejournal.com/users/porcelainslave

2003-03-29T16:58:00.000-08:00

I don't have much time to write at this moment but I wanted to say that I'm home from the medical hospital after being there for three fun-filled (riiiiiiiight) weeks and that I'm really struggling. This is such a tough time for me because the only reason I came home was because my insurance gave out since on Tuesday morning I had a PICC line inserted into my left upper arm (it's basically this really long IV catheter that is threaded through a big vein in your arm, all the way to the top of your heart...a doctor has to put it in and do it in radiology with a local anethesia) and every night from 6:00pm to 6:00am I'm hooked up to an IV pump that gives me TPN (total parenteral nutrition....pretty much liquid calories that I DON'T want)through the line. The reason I'm not still being forced to deal with an NG feeding tube anymore is because I threw it up...four lovely times that always resulted in it being shoved right back up my nose but that's okay...I would sooooooo much rather suffer with that shit than with this TPN stuff...I feel so out of control in terms of how many calories I'm taking in each day and it is killing me! Plus, a nurse has to come to my house to hook me up to the TPN bag and to start the pump and to then take me off it, twice a day and it's really irritating not being able to go out anymore. I mean, who wants to hang out with the anoretic freak with the catheter in her arm all taped up?! I look like a dying, medical case study or something and it sucks bigtime! ARGGGGGGG...And at night when the tpn is running, I have to lug it around in this big, tacky black backpack that has the tubing sticking out of it, going to my line and I feel so stupid. Sean doesn't want to take me out anymore and I feel so alone. SO, SO alone...And it doesn't help that my mom has a temporary conservatorship on me and that on April 11th I have to go to court and it will become permanent! Just shoot me now...
=0((((((((((((((((((((((((((

2003-03-04T16:06:00.000-08:00

How am I feeling right now?
A N X I O U S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I started home hospital today which is where this teacher lady comes to your house for an hour a day and overwhelms you with loads of work that drives you mad out of your mind....it was not fun.
I feel as if I'm about to burst from anxiety about school...
The teacher pretty much gave me this insanely long lecture about how I need to eat lots of protein and no starches and how flaxseed oil is just wonderful and blah blah blah...I was not amused.
So I called my mom who is going to try and get me enrolled back in real school so I can go for like four periods a day or something like that.....even as stressed out as I get at school, it is better than spending time with this stupid home hospital lady and diving deep into a sea of massive schoolwork...
As soon as the woman left, I broke down and started bawling because I'm in over my head with all of this pressure and it's killing me! I want to recover soooooooooooooooooo badly, so so so badly (which is amazing that I can actually say that now) but I cannot stop thinking about my future and how I'm going to manage to pull through school and do community service and learn how to drive and get a job and apply for city college and move out of my house away from my mother and oh my gosh I'm freaking out....The easy thing to do would be to have a major relapse and go away for treatment again but I SOOOOOOOOOOO do not want that!!!!!!!1 AHHHHHHHHHHHH god no, but I don't know what in the world else I am supposed to do?!?!! I want to get well.....I sooooooooooooooo want to, but how can I when I have no future......no hope?!?!!?!? This is insane...my whole life is insane....I'm going to die if I can't figure a way to straighten things out....that's just the way it is, as much as I do NOT want that to happen....I'm fighting and I won't give up, but it's just soooooo hard to keep going. SOOOOO hard to live and not take the easy road of letting myself die. I don't want to die. That's why I must stay strong...i HAVE to....god help me. I'm so, so overwhelmed right now.
=0(

2003-03-01T21:49:00.000-08:00

Well it has been a few days since I last wrote in here, so I thought I'd just type a quick entry to update you all about my life...
I turned 18 on Thursday and although it had been a day I was waiting to occur for years, it only made me feel incredibly overwhelmed and alone...I'm an adult now with no one to take care of me and I can't even take care of myself...it's one thing when you are sick and an adolescent, but now that I'm 18 and sick it feels like I'm in this all by myself...I'm struggling soooo much with my eating disorder these days and as much as I am trying to help myself, I'm scared that my own strength might not be enough and I have no one to help me anymore. I'm just more scared than I have ever been in my whole entire life...
Other latest happenings: I fixed my potassium deficiency by drinking more and doubling up on my 10 mE/q potassium chloride pills...it took a few days but I managed to raise my level enough so that I no longer have to deal with that annoying tingling in my legs...yay for my wonderful achievement!
Hmmmm what else has been happening with me.....nothing really....I've been basically keeping to myself a lot lately and staying in the comfort of my home, and of course, trying not to eat too much or purge. I'm pretty lonely and depressed but I don't know how to handle those feelings...
Things are all right, I guess.
I'm pretty much focusing more on living and not dying from this awful disease than on any other areas of my life.
I'm trying.
Really.
It just may not be good enough.
=0(

2003-02-26T17:13:00.000-08:00

The fun just never seems to end:

I just got home from seeing my medical doctor this afternoon and things do not look too good with me. Since I have been virtually medically neglected for the past month I had to have lots done including a ton of blood drawn, an EKG, and my weekly Vitamin B12 shot that hurts like a bitch. I'm afraid of what my doctor is going to say and how she will react to my blood test results because based on how awful my EKG reading was, I'm not physically stable right now.
After being out of treatment for barely three whole days, I already am having heart abnormalities:
Premature atrial contractions
Inverted T-waves
This is not good...the inverted t-waves tell me that my electrolytes are not balanced, more specifically that my potassium is low...AGAIN!!!
ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.
Why does my stupid potassium have to drop all the time?!?! Why must my health be consistently horrible?!
I gained freakin weight and have been eating for a month now, so why am I still dying????????!!!!!!!!
I'm sooooooooo frustrated with my body...its condition deteriorates at the drop of a hat, leaving me helpless and weak...
I used to feel like I had power over my health and the way I feel physically, but now I realize I don't.
I lost all control over myself.
I'm quite unstable and even though I'm eating again, my stability remains pretty much the same, only improving a slight bit here and there...gosh darnit!
I really hope I haven't screwed my body up for life and done permanent damage...
*sigh*
I'm sad... =0(

2003-02-25T21:31:00.000-08:00

Honesty goes a long way...
I was uncomfortably honest today and it resulted in gifts of opportunity for me.
Allow me to explain:
I woke up this morning to the sound of my alarm blaring, crawled out of bed, stood up with a rush of blackness, and sighed heavily.
Time to get ready for *school*.
::::::::::::::shudders::::::::::::::::
The mere thought created a marked sensation of doom in my stomach along with a hint of erratic heartbeats that thumped in such a manner of chaos, I I became nauseated.
What was it about attending school that worried me to the utmost extreme?!!? This I could not figure out until I was actually heading toward my first period resource classroom with the feelings of dread hanging over me.
Reality hit me and I realized that I'm afraid...very, VERY afraid of the people I see at school, both my peers and teachers and the administration. I cannot tolerate the worries involved with them looking at me and noticing my existence...the obsessions dealing with notions of every individual I pass judging me and critiquing me in negative ways causes severe panic in me.
I believe it to be more commonly known as Social Anxiety Disorder.
Yes, that indeed sounds correct considering my situation of absolute anxiety as I'm simply walking through the halls at school.
Exactly why I'm so fearful of others is yet to be determined specifically, but it's definitely a topic to discuss and work with in therapy (when I actually get a new therapist, that is).
So what would be the obvious, or perhaps for some, the NOT-so-obvious solution in my case:
Reducing my hours spent at school and doing independent study at home while I try and dig deep into the anxiety problem, touching base with a professional who can help me.
It took a considerable amount of explaining to several different adults, but that's exactly what is going to happen...and what made it possible?
The fact that I spoke my mind and stated my needs articulately.
Who knew telling the truth could be so enlightening?!?! You can imagine how much better I felt knowing that I was actually being listened to for once and that I have plenty of support during this hard time of trying to live my life.
Recovery just seemed too faraway to even strive for because school was so anxiety-provoking that I would either eat beyond the point of fullness as a way of attempting to seek comfort, or just not eat at all as a method of trying to regain control in my life.
Real effective, huh?
Not quite.
Now I can relax a little and stop being so tense all the time because my anxieties will lessen and I can take care of myself.
I am way more inclined to eat now since the pressure of needing to appear thin in the eyes of those around me at school has diminished.
What a freeing feeling that is!
And not only did that issue get resolved, but another aspect of my life did also:
Sean came to sit with me at lunch today and we talked. I came so close to just ending my relationship with him but then ultimately decided to work things out, which we did. The newest details??? No sex, no uncomfortable touching (especially of my stomach!!!!!!!), more engaging in activities that are fun yet do not revolve around food, no more of his cruel comments about the looks of strangers we meet and pass on the street, no more conversations where I do all the talking and he just listens...
I want an innocent and meaningful relationship, and unless he lied, we are headed towards one.
Wow.
Honesty really does go a long way.
=0)

2003-02-24T17:44:00.000-08:00

I would like to begin this entry by announcing loud and clear that I have taken an Ativan today, only a few hours earlier, so as a result some of the thoughts I'm about to explain have the potential for being a little bit twisted due to my out-of-itness. Just wanted to clarify that real quick for you.
Anyway, today was a rather anxiety-provoking day for me and I must say I am proud of myself for managing to get through all of the torture involved with school. I became beyond overwhelmed with all of the schedule planning I had to engage in and with just being back on the DP campus...stepping foot at school and seeing all of the "normal" non-eating disordered teenagers freaks me out because I know I don't resemble them at all and never will. Sparks of reality stir in my head and I realize that I've lost all memories of how to even try and feign normalcy. With my eating disorder I am not normal and cannot even pretend to be because my behaviors are simply not as they should be. I'm very sick, both physically and psychologically, and as long as I continue down the road I'm traveling on, I will forever remain that way. I wish I could enjoy normal teenage activities like most of the girls at my school, but I don't. It's as simple as that...I just like being alone at home all the time in front of the TV or the computer with food. That's it. I have lost the ability to enjoy anything that does not revolve around me being isolated from the world or food. How sad! But at the same time, do I even want to change that? To be honest, no. My disease has robbed me of all pleasure in life, except with specific circumstances where I shouldn't even be experiencing pleasure and joy at all. I wonder how one talks herself into actually wanting to get out of the house and socialize and make friends and appreciate the beauty of this world. If only I knew...
I'm just so lost right now...so consumed by the black, crushing waves of Anorexia. Not only do I have the typical school and family worries in my life, but here I am stuck with an excess of anxiety that is created by eating disorder...I cannot even count how many worries I have right now that revolve around it:
Should I puke or shouldn't I?
How many calories/exchanges are in this muffin?
Do my peers at school think I'm corpulent?
Do they notice how much weight I've gained?
Does my mom think I'm restricting or actually eating?
Should I hide food in my room to eat later since I'm not allowed to eat anywhere but at the kitchen table?
Should I eat dinner tonight at the table when my mom comes home and just puke it up?
Or should I eat dinner ar the table and hide the food in my pocket?
(no matter what I cannot keep food down that I eat at the table because it makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable and just overall worried about everything...I've been eating in my room for the past five years and I have no intention of stepping out of my safezone to eat at the table...I wish my mother understood that right now having that rule is just way more added stress for me, and that when I eat in my room I actually can keep the food down because I don't feel so emotionally upset, but when I sit at the table it's just too much for me to handle. It's something that should be worked up to, not just forced on me.)

Just thinking about all of my worries makes me anxious! I HATE anxiety. I don't know what to do. I feel like everyone is pushing me into recovery and I'm just not ready yet. I'm almost ready and everyday I work on being ready, but right now things are going way too fast. It is as if all of my parents' long term goals for me in recovery have turned into the short term ones and I'm being thrust into a place where I'm not comfortable at all. I want to be able to make progress in this struggle with my disease, not just miraculously get better overnight! Maybe no one understands how hard certain things around food are for me such as eating in my room...that's the main one...one to be WORKED ON, not just enforced. I am so stressed out...I feel so alone in this right now. I want to get over my eating disorder, I really do. But right now it seems impossible because I just cannot work with my surroundings. What should I do? Should I have a meeting with my mother and explain that she is pushing me in the wrong direction by forcing me to recover too quickly? Should I write her a letter explaining that eating at the table is something I can work towards, but just cannot handle right now?
*SIGH*
I am sooooooooo sad and alone...I don't know what in the world to do. This is just soooooo confusing. Why am I so stupid GOD! It's my fault for having this disease and for being cursed with major anxieties. I did this to myself and now I want out...I just need help getting out, ya know?! And it feels like my parents and my treatment team are working against me on this one...I wish they understood that I need time to heal and get well...to pull my life back onto the shores of happiness and hope. Recovery is not something to be rushed and I feel like that's exactly what is being done with me...
Man oh man.
I don't even know what else to say.
I'm not very hopeful in terms of figuring out what to do to get out of this rut.
Recovery doesn't happen overnight so why are my parents expecting it to?!!!!!!!!
::::::::::::::::::::::cries::::::::::::::::::::::

2003-02-24T17:42:00.000-08:00

Written yesterday:
I'm back home!
Oh my gosh it is soooooo great to be home again!
Now I know it's the 23rd and I was supposed to leave the Center for Discovery on my birthday, the 27th since I turn eighteen and can just check myself out, but I pretty much got kicked out of the program early. Yep...Amy was asked to leave the treatment center sooner than planned because she refused to do anything but sleep on the couch all day long. I refused every group including my goodbye group today because they were just sooooo pointless and no one appreciated my brutal honesty about my eating disorder. I guess it wore out my welcome to go sleep in my bed after every meal when I was supposed to be under supervision twenty-four hours a day and there is no one to watch me when I'm in my room. *sigh* It was soooooooo miserable there. I HATE that god-awful place. You have to eat a horrible SIX times a day, and we aren't talking about little meals....gigantic meals for the girl on an insane amount of exchanges...around 3,000 calories a day I figured out. You must count incessantly when you are on observation (which was every minute of the day and night for me ugh) when you have to go to the bathroom or take a shower and then you cannot even flush the toilet yourself so basically the whole staff got to see my urine and crap. Fun fun fun...Walks are taken twice a day:
Once in the morning at 8:00am when it is brrrrrr freezing outside and my nose is about ready to fall off and then again in the afternoon. I could easily have tolerated them if it was not for my constant companion whenever we left the house...the WHEELCHAIR. God I wanted to kill that thing...I was not allowed to go anywhere without it because I guess my vitals were not stable enough for me to walk on my own. Hmm funny how I was allowed to do excessive laps around the floor of the hospital when I was there right before inpatient...We had different groups three times a day for around an hour and a half each and the rest of the day was spent eating meals or lying around doing absolutely nothing. Speaking of meals, they were awful: Sleeves up, napkins pushed away, no sweatshirts, no slow eating, no fast eating, no normal conversation which ultimately ended up resulting in extreme silence and no conversation at all...The staff was able to eat with us but really triggered us all because they were able to push away all of their food and we had to eat every single bite, even the gross pieces of food such as bruised fruit or the pure fat on chicken...Ewwww...I had such a high intake of food a day that it was painful to attend each meal...14 starches, 8 meats, 4 milks, 3 fruits, 2 vegetables, and 6 fats...Talk about a bloated belly. Getting off the subject of meals since it makes me cringe, phone calls were incredibly limited to only fifteen minutes a day...that's like practically no time at all when you have lots of people to break it up with...no gum was allowed and this was incredibly hard for me considering I chew like two pieces every five minutes ( I did eventually sneak in gum through my teddy bear lol)...mail was allowed but we were not able to even keep the envelopes since they have the potential for being puked in...it's like hmm how am I supposed to write back to people when I can't see their return address gosh! Therapy assignments were given every week and not in small portions might I add...like up to eight lengthy projects a week...ugh how time-consuming and lacking any real purpose...Habitual behaviors such as nail-biting, hair-twisting, standing, knuckle-cracking, etc. were strongly frowned upon and "not acceptable" at all so I was pretty much yelled at every second of the day for tugging on my hair and chewing my fingernails. Napping during the day was absolutely forbidden and if you were found in the sleeping position then privileges such as phone time and having visitors were taken away.
Maybe you can understand why I was so against the program now...I guess it is okay for certain individuals but not me...I've just been in treatment for way too long...UGH.
And now that I'm home it is sooooo hard because I gained around twenty pounds during the past four weeks at the center and my body image is way worse because of it.
In case you are wondering, I'm 115 pounds even as of today and it does NOT feel good.
*sigh*
I really hate this disease. I wish I could just be happy with myself for once...to accept the way I look. But that's not reality.
The reality is that I'm stuck in this eating disorder situation right now and it is creating major struggles.
::::::::::::rips hair out:::::::::::::::::
I'm soooooooo tired of this shit...it's just neverending. Maybe something will click in my brain one day and I'll finally be able to recover, but until then who knows what will become of me.
I walk around like a zombie on crack...fun times.
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
I'm just glad to be home again and away from the anxiety of inpatient treatment...

Thank you, Lord for pulling me this far.

2003-01-23T22:01:00.000-08:00

Well I'm still alive as you can see, despite the fact that I randomly disappeared from the internet world ten long days ago.
What happened was I ended up seeing my medical doctor on Monday morning because my heart had been hurting super badly and she was not pleased with my weight or my vital signs or my overall health in general. Back I went to Cottage Hospital where it was discovered that my potassium was at a horrible, horrible low of 2.2 (normal is 3.5-5.2), my chloride was 87 (normal is 98-110), my magnesium was 1.2 (normal 1.5-2.0), my CO2 was 35 (normal 22-28), I was severely dehydrated, and my EKG showed excessive and extreme abnormalities with my T-waves and my S-T changes and basically numerous arrhythmias that proved themselves harmful. According to my doctor, this was the worst she has ever seen me and that I'm incredibly lucky I ended up seeing her two days sooner than originally plannned because I would not have made it till then. She claims that my heart was sooooooooooo close to going into cardiac arrest from the electrolyte imbalances that I'm lucky I even made it to her office in time...before just dropping dead that is. Part of me wishes I HAD died....then I would not have to be facing all of this awful stuff I'm going through right now.
When the doctor did rounds at the hospital and saw me the second day I was there, she told me that she was not going to send me home....that i'm a danger to myself. So she and my mother dearest conversed and it was decided that I'm going to be shipped off the the wonderful Eating disorder center for discovery in Downey, CA...so I freaked out, thought about randomly bolting from my hospital bed, down the stairs, and out the front entrance but because I was on my favorite floor (five central) the nurses kept me sane. Instead, I ended up pacing the halls at a maximum speed, working my heart rate up to 160 bpm that caused an alarm to go off at nurses' station from my heart monitor hooked up to the computer at their desk at which the nurses pleaded with me to slow down...I could not. Too anxious. Too miserable. Too completely and utterly depressed. I'm dying inside...not to mention, outside too. I'm so sick all over and it's destroying me entirely. I hurt so badly in my heart......there's a constant aching that won't go away...and my stomach is a mess...that awful gnawing sensation from nerves and lack of the ability to digest food. This is HORRIBLE.
Why did I do this to myself? Why was I sooooooo dumb that I got all control over my life taken away from me? I'm such an idiot.
But okay..back to my story about what's happening...well I was going to be admitted to the center for discovery this past Wednesday, oh wait that was yesterday, and my insurance company failed me....refused to pay because the place isn;t licensed or something. I was very pleased to hear that it was pushed off because I sure as hell do not want to go away. But then this morning my mom showed up randomly at the hospital, told me to gather my things because Blue cross had gotten me accepted into this program called Pacific Shores in Oxnard, CA and they wanted me in there TODAY. Well you can imagine that I really appreciated the advance notice, ya know....I cried and cried and cried and couldn't stop until we had driven to the facility and were walking in the door. I was given a tour and began feeling horribly anxious and fidgety because I was so scared, but then the charge nurse came up to my mother and I and said that there was a problem and that I could not stay there because it's a strictly adult program and they are not licensed to treat anyone under the age of 18. It was awesome....yet oh-so-traumatic for me at the same time. I was thrilled to get out of that place because it seemed so horrible and there were sooooo many adults and i felt intimidated and freaked out. Oh my gosh...I cannot even express how god-awful I felt. Talk about having a nervous breakdown. But anyway....so we got back in the car, drove back home, my mom screamed at the insurance company on her cell phone, and didn't know what to do with me because she does not want me at home.....like at all. But after talking to my doctor who did not want to admit me right back to the hospital again, she calmed down and decided to let me stay at home tonight, which is why I'm able to be here right now, typing this. Yay for me. =0( Riiiight....remaining in the house with my mother is just wonderful. But so my mom kept pestering the insurance company and they are going to work on getting me into the Center for discovery tomorrow...*Sigh*
I really do not want to go but whatever....I'm never listened to.
If i don't want to go to a stupid treatment center it won't do me any good because I'll be hating it the whole time and be too focused on how awful the place is, rather than my eating disorder. ARG.
I'm checking myself out on February 27th, the day I turn eighteen so only a month more....just one lousy month...I need to get through this shit.
Time for Er now.
I love and miss you all.
God bless.

2003-01-12T20:02:00.000-08:00

I just got back from going out to dinner with my father and I'm very upset.
I made him cry.
No, it was more like sobbing now that I think about it.
This gnawing sense of dread and guilt in the pit of my stomach is all that I have left from the experience.
As you can imagine, I rid myself of the food the second after I stepped through the door and it really did make me feel better. It was as if I was flushing the negative thoughts and regrets from dinner down the toilet with the food. So gross yet freeing at the same time.
He says I'm going to die.
I just don't know.
He also says that at the rate I'm going and the way I look right now, I'll be right back in he hospital on Wednesday.
I told him that I did not think that was going to happen...that the worst case scenario would involve me having to go to the ER for a potassium fix.
He was not content with my current weight of 99 pounds. It's really not that low...I'm dead serious...I've heard of lots of anorexic girls weighing much less than that at my height and surviving.
I feel terrible...I really worry my father.
What a horrible person I am!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know what to do.
I'm...
s
c
a
r
e
d
.

2003-01-11T21:34:00.000-08:00

Is there more to life than throwing up every hour of the day, being able to eat only certain foods at special times or to not even be allowed to eat anything at all, having to make sure I don't overload on fluids so that my weight doesn't jump up and scare me, focusing on the reading of the scale 24/7 until it becomes me and defines who I am as a person, worrying about how others perceive me all the time?!?!?!
I'm starting to think that there really isn't and that saddens me greatly.
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I woke up this morning at 98 pounds and feeling really not so great...by that I mean I was overcome by dizziness, blurry vision, chest pains, tingling legs, etc. to the point where it bothered me intensely. The deep hunger I was describing yesterday was tormenting me and it sparked some sort of response in my body where I could not help but eat to fulfill my needs...
My body was strongly, and boy do I mean strongly, craving salt for some odd reason (possibly because I'm dehydrated although I've been drinking tons so who knows?) so I ended up eating about half a jar of pickles (the zero calorie kind not that it matters, I tell myself) and then having some carrots that I drenched in soy sauce...I also drank a couple bottles of water and downed an Ativan to help get me to relax and stop worrying about this upcoming week, so that I could rest because I'm soooooooo tired all the time. So I slept for a couple hours with the food in my stomach...the Ativan helped me deal with it and I just tolerated the feeling of bloatedness and overall self-disgust. After a couple hours I managed to drag myself out of bed and to the kitchen where I began cooking pasta and preparing dinner for myself....it was so strange because it happen subconsciously. I felt as if I was in one huge dream where I was watching myself do things and act a certain way that I would never do nor act. But I fixed myself an actual meal and sat down at the table and ate it over the course of half an hour...
Three things wrong with this picture:
1) I NEVER take the time to cook a full meal for myself
2) I NEVER sit down and eat at the kitchen table..I haven't done that in literally years.
3) I NEVER take a whole thirty minutes to eat...usually I consume food fairly quickly.
But so I just found myself sitting there and eating like a normal person, but then I guess the "real" Amy mindset...or I guess I should say the ANA mindset...came back home and I threw up every part of my lovely meal.
I would have been okay if only I had stopped there in terms of my eating disorder but I couldn't and when I stepped on the scale and saw that I was a sudden 101 pounds I panicked. I apparently gained three pounds in a few hours simply from eating and drinking...The logical part of me is reminding myself that it is impossible to have such rapid weight gain and that it is merely water weight since I DID consume a ton of pickles which contain a lot of salt that makes water easily retained by your body when you are in a state of dehydration...also, I drank massive amounts of pure water so I'm sure it's all being kept in by my body, too...
I know in my mind that this weight won't last and that by tomorrow i'll probably be back down to 98 pounds, but i still cannot help but freak out a bit.
What's worrying me is that I see my doctor this Wednesday and if my weight is not low enough, then she will not be as likely to believe that I'm actually sick...I know I truly am because my heart feels awful and has been beating peculiarly and my legs have that familiar tingling feeling of severely low potassium and I'm obviously dehydrated if I retain water this easily...and I need help to get over this.
Yes, HELP.
I need major help...I want my doctor to help me get better.
I think that I've reached such a low and dangerous point in my life where hospitalization may actually help me now...I would like my doctor to see how serious my condition is, to stop telling me to simply go home and eat like it's the easiest thing in the world, and to put me in the hospital again where I can receive IV fluids of potassium chloride and dextrose and my heart can be monitored on the telemetry and I can eat in peace without worrying about it since I have no choice in the matter when I'm there. I want her to help me feel better and to not release me from the hospital, despite any begs or pleads on my part, until I gain an appropriate amount of real weight (not just weight from the IVs). Then I want to start seeing a nutritionist regularly and to see my therapist twice a week so that we can begin working on my OCD which will aid in my recovery from my eating disorder. What everyone doesn't seem to understand is that I'm not nutritionally sound right now, and that until I am, I can't think straight and therefore therapy is absolutely pointless. So the obvious goal is to get me at a point where I am in stable medical health (which yes is obtainable) so that I can actually try hard and work on getting better and making progress. And if after I am nutritionally sound, outpatient therapy is not beneficial enough for me and I'm still struggling, then I would like to find a reasonably ADULT treatment center to go to so that I can beat this goddamn disease that is killing me.
Does what I am saying make sense or am I going insane? It honestly sounds like a good plan to me, but maybe my mind is screwed up from my illness and I'm not thinking clearly....I just wish the doctors would listen to me for once....like actually HEAR what I'm saying. I've indicated in so many ways that I can't get a grip on my eating disorder because it is so out of control in my life, but it's as if my parents and the professionals are all in denial and think I'm just going to snap out of this one day or just die from it...I need help...yes I currently am in outpatient therapy, but I need MORE help because this isn't helping me enough...
*sigh*
This is so frustrating....it's like I have no voice.
Oh well.
I just wish my doctor would help me...that's all I want but she doesn't seem to understand.
I hate myself for getting myself in these difficult situations.
=0(

2003-01-10T22:22:00.000-08:00

It has been a blah day for me...
I woke up late at 2:15pm after having going to bed this morning at around 4:30am (I was ummm...watching Beauty and the Beast lol).
Since then I've pretty much gone through binge (well not technically binging I guess but more food than usual for me)and purge cycles..I'd guess about five times to be exact. It's so sad and depressing that I can't control myself today (or any day really) but stupid Anorexia is soooooo strong and she is consuming me! AHHHHHHh I want to kill her!
I HATE throwing up...I hate it i hate i hate it! but if I hate it so much then why can't I stop?!?!?!?!
This is so confusing.
My hunger has been intense this afternoon for some reason, maybe because I ::::::::::::Gasps::::::::::: actually kept down a cup of goldfish crackers last night. I don't like the feeling at all...but it is something I will eventually have to get used to if I plan on surviving, which I do.
Ugh.
My skin is getting that dry, whitish appearance...but I'm drinking so I don't understand...I drink massive amounts of water each day! What's wrong, gosh!?!
Okay, maybe it's from my potassium deficiency. that'd make sense.
Why am I so sick all the time and why the hell can't i get through this?
I'm tired of this shit.
It pisses me off.
ANA pisses me off.
I hope she dies and burns in hell.
I want my life back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2003-01-10T00:10:00.000-08:00

It's getting a little late for me to be up online but I just strongly feel the need to do a quick journaling.
After sitting on my bed, staring at the foreigner in my mirror for two hours straight, I came to a lot
of conclusions about how I'm going to manage the next couple of days.
I spoke to my mother moments ago and we calmly decided together that I have had a rough week and can use a bit of a break so I'm staying home from school tomorrow. I know that that may not seem like a big of a deal but to me it really is because just by knowing that I won't have to be seen in public by many people tomorrow, I can allow myself to eat a little something such as carrots or celery tonight and to most importantly, keep it down. You see, sometimes just realizing that I have to constantly be seen by my peers and teachers at school causes me to not eat much or to throw up a lot during the week out of fear that I will be seen as fat and I know that is an issue I strongly need to work on so don't worry. I honestly believe that the most stressful part of going to school for me now is just having to be around so many people who see me on a regular basis and are pretty much sick of me and my eating disorder. I mean, before it was the major load of schoolwork and the pressure of my academic classes that stressed me out but now that that has been taken care of thank God, I feel a lot more at ease and like I can handle school. It's just a matter of finding the strength to pull myself out of bed in the morning and allow myself to merely drink a glass of water without worrying horribly about appearing fat during the course of the school day...you see, if I don't get just a few sips of water in the morning then I'm at such a risk for passing out and for having some sort of medical crisis, and that's really scary but what's even scarier is that if I wake up and feel super fat then I will just go off to school without having eaten or dranken anything for the sole purpose of looking skinnier and not bloated. School is a difficult task to handle when you are barely strong enough to do simple things like walk, even. When I think about it I get so nervous because I have to do so much walking and my heart always starts to race and then I feel dizzy and nauseous and if I could only take care of myself then I wouldn't have these problems. But it is perfectly obvious that I can't take of myself at this moment in time so then how am I expected to maintain enough medical stability to survive a day at school? I'm in over my head in this one and I'm glad it's almost the weekend because I need a lot of time to just sit with my feelings and to figure out what I want, and what needs, to happen in order for me to continue living in this world and not die as a pale skeleton in my bed one night. I'm just so confused right now and need to attack my feelings and think about them...I need time to learn how I can help myself get through this and I'm taking that time. Starting now. So tomorrow when my fellow classmates are pretending to learn and get some sort of an education, I'll be at home pretending to learn how to move on with my life. Well, hopefully not pretending but at least trying. Trying to figure out what to do and how to handle my situation. Yes, that seems to me a far better thing to do than sit in some classroom where I have learned all there is to learn about random subjects....I'll stick with those random subjects and sitting in class NEXT week once I've hopefully had a chance to reconnect with myself and to decide what needs to be done in terms of my treatment. Anyway, sorry for boring everyone with my stupid little worries involved with school and my life...I'm off now to go to sleep (let's pray I can find rest) and to maybe eat a little food first. Nightie night to all! =0)

2003-01-09T17:38:00.000-08:00

There are certain matters in life that are currently pathetic and yet also ones that remain pathetic.
Absolutely pathetic.
Take for example the relationship that I have with my mother:
I am sick. She says to lie down and refuses to call the doctor.
She is sick. I grab the thermometer, take her temperature, bring her cold water and two Tylenols, put her to bed, ask if she needs anything else, and apologize for giving her my awful flu.

Is it just me or is there a noticeable difference in the way we treat one another here?
Yes, and I can pinpoint out what the issue appears to be:
I care about her and want to do my best to help her since she is my mother and we are blood-related regardless of our differing personalities and morals, and although I do believe somewhere in my heart that she cares about me, she never seems to show it. Perhaps she is afraid to get too close to me because of all that I have put myself through in terms of my eating disorder and that she has reached a state where she is convinced that all possible hope for a meaningful recovery for me is nonexistent...that could explain why she acts so distant towards me all of the time...because she thinks I'm simply going to die from my disease (and it sure doesn't help my chances of survival any to witness her giving up on me) and it might somehow lighten the load if she breaks apart from me.
That is my psychological interpretation of my mother's actions, or should we say, lack of action in our relationship...I could be onto something here or have missed the mark completely but who knows??!?!?!?!
The one thing for sure is that at this stage in my life, I am virtually mother-less and missing out on what could be an extra means of support for me during this whole food ordeal. If you are pondering over as to why I don't tell my mother that I would like to be closer to her and try harder to talk to her more then you can stop now because I HAVE tried to confide in her more lately but she never has the time to listen to me. She is continuously, and boy do I ever mean continuously busy. Busy at work which is understandable, busy partying with her friends every night, busy drinking, busy talking on the phone to her best friend about God knows what. She is TOO busy reading a magazine or watching TV or feeding the dog (who apparently won't eat, according to my mother, if I or anyone other than herself for that matter is in the same room with him) to ever talk to me. Oh wait. I take that back. Of course SHE talks to ME. We see each other in the halls of our house every once in awhile, or late at night in the kitchen, and she manages to tell me a little bit about what's going on with her in her little world. Does she ever ask how I am doing? No. Does she ever reach and try to find time to listen to me? No.
Sure, we both have our character flaws and our reasons for why our relationship is totally not working, for why the mother-daughter connection cuts off at mother and leaves me screaming alone in the dark! I'm not blaming her for anything so don't get me wrong...I'm just saying that I'm down one parent and it hurts me.
Yes, I admit it.
I hurt.
My entire family situation hurts me in every way imaginable.
My father is so ill that I see him a mere once or twice a week, or more often if he picks me up from school. I mean, I talk to him pretty much every single day on the phone when he calls me (key phrase here: HE calls ME...this shows that he, unlike mother, is making an effort to stay connected with his daughter) and we get along really well, but I feel so helpless with his terminal illness destroying his life, crashing down on what used to be his happy little world and killing the man I used to know. Killing the father I still and always will love, but who is at the same time, changing from his disease. He has become grumpy all the time and negative and it depresses me sooooooo much to see him constantly in pain like that. I mean, what am I to do? I can't even take care of myself, nevertheless take care of my disabled dad so I just keep trying to remind him that there IS hope for him and that he can't let him being sick all the time rob him of all happiness. Man, I'm such a hypocrite but oh well...I just wish I could help him...he deserves so much better than this. *Sigh*
Got a little sidetracked there, but getting back to my family situation:
My brother is a total druggie who runs wild and even sells drugs to his friends on the street to make money so that he can just buy more drugs and become even more high...I love my brother and I miss him. This "person" who lives in the room next to me at our house is definitely not my brother. Sure, he looks and acts like him, but I assure you that this imposter is not my twin. My brother is out somewhere, cold and alone, looking for a little love, affection, nurturance, someone to listen to him, someone to care about him, someone to have hope and faith and to believe in him. Well, I do. Believe in him, I mean. I think that once that fake whacked-out brother dude moves out and gets faraway from the stresses of our home life, my real brother will come home. Yes, I strongly believe that...STRONGLY.
My sister doesn't come around much anymore...the frequency seems to be getting less and less as the seasons pass and time moves forward. We have always gotten along reasonably well, that is with little fighting and quarelling over silly, petty topics that many sisters engage in. But ever since she moved out, she is growing up into a strong, beautiful woman which I am sooooooo happy about and proud of her for, but she is doing so well I guess that she doesn't have much time for her "family" anymore and well...I truly miss her. I wish she were around more for me to hang out with. We always have a lot of fun when we go shopping at the mall or out to eat...we think similarly on specific subjects such as "mom's craziness" and "dad's incessant questions" and just have a lot in common. Number one on the list of things to do before I die: Be close with my sister.
Now I've stated many things and gone into great detail about the various members of my family here because they are a huge part of my life...just some in more bad ways than good. My family is so dysfunctional that it's too much to bear for me a lot of times and I end up taking out the frustration and the anger on myself because I don't know what else to do with it. It's as if all of the worries and anxieties are sucked into my body, more specifically my stomach, and I do whatever I can to get rid of them, to stop them from haunting me so I eat to fill the void they leave in my life, and then throw up to get them the hell out of me. When I am purging, it is as if all of that anger and all of that frustration that builds up from my family problems or from school or just from any crisis at all, is being spewed out with the food...that I am freeing myself from what has been weighing me down for so long.
My eating disorder is my coping mechanism...yes, I do indeed need a more positive and less dangerous way of coping, but that I am yet to have found so instead I keep turning back to my disease for sanity. I know that hardly makes any sense at all considering that eating disorders are so mind-altering and personality-changing that they pretty much drive you mad and make you feel insane. So why then am I doing this if it only seems to make me feel better on the surface, but really screws me over bigtime as I sink deeper into it? This is a good question that I'm afraid I am currently unable to answer because I just dont know. Habit, maybe. All I know is that I'm very, very sick right now and that I just need to keep fighting through all of this madness so that I can reach the end of this torturous maze. It's like a game and one that I definitely should not be playing but then it grabs you by your throat and forces you to play...
"Just lose five more pounds and you'll be perfect"
"So and so thinks you are ugly because you are so fat"
"You'd be happy for once if you were skinny"
"Food is your worst enemy"
"A moment on the lips but a lifetime on the hips"
These are the voices of the monster...of the ravishing beast of Anorexia...She is the Queen...your opponent in the game...the one who makes it look like you are winning when in reality, SHE is in the lead and you are dead, literally DEAD, behind. Ana never loses...until you start fighting back. If you try and tell yourself that those whispers in your head, the lies that she sings to you while you are asleep at night, dreaming of a feast that she would never allow you to eat in the first place, are simply not real, it is THEN that you are moving up on the gameboard...She may never stop telling them to you, but that doesn't mean you will never learn not to listen. In your face, Ana!
Now all I have to do is pray that I don't die before I have a chance to realize how to do that...how to ignore her snobby, lying face in my life.
Well I believe in miracles and so therefore I believe that I can stay strong enough to beat this illness...to be free from this neverending self-persecution.
Mother may have lost hope, but I haven't.
I don't want to die known as Amy the Anoretic girl...I want to die known as Amy, the poet, the writer, the singer, the famous doctor or psychiatrist, the girl who fought the odds and pulled herself away from death's doors when not one soul believed she could. I want to die and be known as ME, not have my whole self and soul defined by Anorexia. They'd say, "She was a perfect anoretic..." but that's not what I want. I want to live. Fuck Ana and her Godawful ways...I am me and that's ALL I want to be.
I would like it to be said that if I die from this disease, I died FIGHTING. That I tried and tried to get better but She got the best of me. That way Ana still doesn't win and I steal back an ounce of dignity.
But let's get it straight that I don't plan on letting her kill me...I repeat, I DON'T want to die.

Okay now that I tormented you, the reader with my thoughts that go on and on, I'll take this moment to let you know that I'm almost finished here so you can breathe a heavy sigh of relief. There, hope you feel better now.
I'll conclude this all with a few minor details about today:
I dropped my sixth period class and can now go home after fifth period at 1:40pm, which makes me feel a LOT better because my body can't hold up for an entire six-period school day. (I'm working on that okay?)
I woke up after a sort of decent night's sleep because I tried a new sleeping pill my psychiatrist prescribed for me called, Sonata and it got me to sleep pretty quickly and would have worked perfectly if not for the fact that it has a short half-life that caused me to wake up a few times in the middle of the night, but oh well. My sleep cycle is starting (I guess) to get back on track so yay!
I began taking TWO K-tabs (potassium-chloride pills) now because my potassium level is *surprise surprise* really low once again...maybe two a day instead of just one will help the deficiency.
I sure hope so or it's uh-oh time, but I'll worry about that later.

Well I am off now to probably go rest since I'm DEAD TIRED after typing all of this lol...
I hope everyone is doing well and that you know I love you!
A special shout-out of love to my home-girl, Kylie and my precious sweetie, Ali! You guys rock! I hope you are hanging in there and staying strong for me?!?!?!
=0)

2003-01-06T16:56:00.000-08:00

It has been a dull day but I feel like sharing anyway:
My stomach hasn't been feeling well at all and it is making it extremely hard for me to tolerate any solid food so my mom (with much pleading) called up my doctor's office and made an appointment for me this afternoon. It's hard to describe the pain but like my stomach and organs hurt and my tummy is all bloated and I thought maybe it was from constipation so last night I drank a whole bottle of Magnesium Citrate to try and rid myself of the problem but inspite of all of that came out I did not feel much better. So I went and talked to my doctor for a little while and told her about the pain and she ran a few tests like a CBC and Comp Metabolic Panel on my blood and did an EKG which my eyes carefully noticed the inverted T-waves on. I also got a great big shot of fun...okay so it was really of Vitamin B12 but that ruby red liquid just makes my arm muscle feel fabulous! LOL just kidding of course! Ummm what else......oh she told me start taking more Reglan to help my poor tummy absorb food better because I have really bad delayed gastric emptying that makes me feel nauseated and bloated all the time....that was about it.
Oh and then you will be amused by this part:
I was walking out the door and as soon as I started stepping down the stairs right outside her office, I fell.
Yes, FELL.
As in, on my ass in front of everyone.
"Woah," said I as I rushed off and prayed that not many noticed the incident.
Hehehe.
I'm soooo pathetic...can't even walk right.
LOL!

On a totally different note, I am freaked because I think I'm going to school tomorrow and I'm sooooo scared about seeing everyone again, especially since I've lost a few pounds since I was last there. God I hope I am not overloaded with work! UGH.
But whatever happens happens so oh well.
My life is more important than stupid school right now so too bad if the school administrators and teachers don't realize that.
I have made up my mind to not let school trigger me into relapse this time.
I will NOT kill myself because of school!

2003-01-04T14:50:00.000-08:00

My doctor says that this is what my heart condition is:
http://www.naspe-patients.org/patients/heart_disorders/sick_sinus/
Sick Sinus Syndrome

2003-01-04T14:37:00.001-08:00

Ugh
103.8
And no, that's not my weight.
It's my temperature!!!!
I am soooooooooo sick.
Damn my stupid white blood cell count must be extra low if not even after being home for a whole day, I already have a horrible case of the flu.
Lucky for me I have Compazine or else I'd be throwing up all over the floor because my fever makes me soooo nauseous.
Last night was the worst.
I could not stop shaking from the chills. The more my fever rose the colder I got and the shivers made me ache all over, so there I was lying in bed with the covers over my head, convulsing violently, trying to press down on my back to keep it from spasming, holding my head which was killing me, and crying out in pain.
I believe that this happened to me for a reason, though because now I feel really strong towards recovery and am sick of putting myself through so much shit. I could have been spared a ton of misery if I was not cursed with this disease.
I really want to get better.
Mark my words.
I'm soooo going to!
I would start eating more right now if only I was feeling semi-okay.
My weight is hovering at 103 pounds....down three from yesterday!
I just want to maintain!!
I'm so sick of losing because not only am I shedding pounds when I do, but I'm also getting rid of my life.
I've been begging my mother to PLEASE get a nutritionist for me because I think it could really help me...hopefully she will listen and get me one!
Ugh I feel a wave of nausea coming on so I have to hurry back to bed now...

2003-01-04T14:37:00.000-08:00

Written yesterday:

*sigh*
I cannot even begin to express how depressed I am today. As soon as I woke up this morning I felt bombarded by those evil ana thoughts that I wish would leave me the hell alone. I crawled out of bed, walked down the hall, and mumbled a good morning to my mother who was on the internet looking very busy.
"What are you doing?" I asked inquisitively.
"I'm looking up information on Blue Cross in case we need to send you away again. I don't want to go through all of this again," she replied.

Greaaaaat. My mother has absolutely no faith in me and do you know what that means?
It means IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII have no faith in me.
How can I get well when everyone is rooting against me?!?!
I'm sooooo miserable.
And not to mention, utterly alone.
My trust in God has fallen into deep, dark ditches of blackness and I'm hopeless.
This is soooooo hard.
I consumed a salad with lite italian dressing for lunch and was determined to keep it down, but did I?
Of course not.
Those goddamn demons of destruction screamed at me and lied to me about how fat I am so I just HAD to purge.
In a way, I don't even care if I'm obese or not anymore. Part of me just wants to disappear forever to some land of freedom. I turn eighteen in less than two months and I don't know how to handle that. It will mean more decisions and more responsibility which is good because it takes the ties away from my mother and places freedom/choice in my own hands, yet at the same time how will I manage?
Man, how lonely I am.
So so sad and by myself in this cave of madness.
And I'm so stressed out because school starts back up next Monday and I have no clue how I'm going to handle all of the pressure or how my heart will tolerate all of that walking around campus.
I wish this misery would vanish forever...
I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooo out of hope.
I want to get over my disease soooo badly but I don't think I ever will.
It's going to kill me.
I know it will.
May the Lord have mercy on my soul.
=0(

2003-01-02T14:18:00.000-08:00

Home from the hospital
This has been the all-time worst week of my life.
It all started last Saturday when I woke up not feeling so great, like super dizzy and all.
I urged my mother to do something because I thought I was going to die and so she drove to the emergency room...yes for the second time that week.
Blood was drawn and I was hooked up to a heart monitor and pulse ox and it turned out that my potassium was an extremely low 2.6 (norm is 3.5-5.0) and that my heart was really abnormal as a result.
The doctor on call for my regular doctor who is currently on vacation came and admitted me to the hospital on the cardiac unit where I stayed for five days, hooked up to an IV that pumped high levels of potassium chloride into my veins, to a heart monitor, and to an NG (naso-gastric) feeding tube. I thought I was going to die when the nurse put the feeding tube in...it hurt soooooooooooooooo much. I can barely even explain how awful it was having that thing shoved up your nostril and dangling there in the back of your throat...I could neither move nor speak because the pain was so excruciating. Instead I merely sobbed for hours on end until finally the nurse felt so sorry for me and took it out against the doctor's orders. The on-call doctor was a total jackass who tortured me sooo much. Not only did he want the feeding tube in me, but he also wanted me to eat 3,000 calories a day which is way too much for a shrunken stomach not used to food, and he decided randomly to start me on Zyprexa *which I conveniently tongued every time it was given to me ha ha ha* to control my mood and to help me gain weight. According to him, I was deathly underweight at 97 pounds for my height of 5'7 and a half. Yeah right you stupid dumbass...but whatever. So I ended up gaining ten pounds of fluid weight in a matter of three days and it made him happier. not me, though. I feel like a cow but oh well. I was watched constantly there. My room was purposely placed smack dab in front of the nurse's station and I was not allowed to shut my door at all, or even go to the bathroom with assistance. It was so horrible and i NEVER want to go through that shit again. NEVER EVER. Thank God I'm home now! Right before I was discharged my doctor gave me the hugest speech....he says that I'm severely medically compromised and that it has affected my heart majorly if not my other organs also. Apparently while I was hooked up to the telemetry (heart monitor) at the hospital, there were numerous times during the day when my heart would just stop altogether for up to three whole seconds, and then resume pumping...I guess it is really dangerous and next week when I see my real doctor she is going to have me hooked up to a Holter monitor for twenty-four hours to see if it is still stopping suddenly like that...I came really close to having a pacemaker put in my heart, but because I'm so young the cardiologist at the hospital wanted to hold off on that unless totally necessary. So yeah...my fuckin eating disorder is killing me and that is outrageous. It still hasn't really kicked in that I'm surely going to die if I don't stop this and that I could even drop dead right now when I'm "healthy." This is all too strange for me. I thought I was immortal and that nothing could kill me. I'm so confused now but I am at least going to maintain my weight for awhile and pray that my heart functions normally...if not then surgery it is. UGH. Please don't let this happen to you guys...stop your disease before it starts killing you. We are all too young to die!!!!!! I have hope for you.....and yes, even for me.

2002-12-26T15:57:00.000-08:00

I'm sooooooo close to hitting a better weight for me...100.5 pounds...just one more pound and I'll be in the "acceptable" two-digit range. It is sickening how elated that makes me yet I don't have a clue what I can do about it. While I was throwing up in the shower this morning I felt my usual tingling...yep the lovely low potassium leg problems but oh well. I'm soooooooooooooo over that crap. I just no longer care whether or not my electrolytes are off because as long as I am losing weight then I am happy...so what if I get some weird feelings in my extremities every once in awhile...and not like my doctor cares about it so why should it bother me?!?!? I am thrilled beyond belief because I don't see my medical doctor till at least the 8th of January and that means I will be able to accomplish soooooooooo many weight goals! YES. I really feel fine, too. For reals! I'm way more at peace with myself knowing that I am losing and that I have tons of time to lose before it can even be acknowledged by anyone.
Woah there...Amy here...I think I'm going insane. I cannot believe I just wrote all of that...I'm so sorry!!! I really don't like this disease but I feel so powerless to the hold it has over me. Everything in my life has been reduced to how I look and how much I weigh and it just makes things...simpler and easier to deal with...but that does not make it okay. The way I'm feeling is just not right..it's a sin against myself...against God to feel this way. But what can I do? Nothing. Others may think I have control over this disease but that is such a lie. You reach a point in it where it becomes you...it defines you...it is who you are and all you have going for you. I see no way out right now. Will I ever? Maybe someday perhaps when my so-called eating disorder is not reigning over me with such intensity. I'm really sick...no wait maybe not....wait yes no yes no aHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. This is hard...two voices going on in my head...me and Ana...it's the two of us now...we live together in my body in what Marya Hornbacher calls a "state of mutual antagonism." How scary.
I can safely say that She is winning in terms of power...I feel totally helpless when it comes down to facing her.
Ana is soooooooo excited but Amy is miserable.
Yikes that offends Ana terribly.....hmmmmm.
I don't know who to talk as anymore...myself or ana...the difference between us is pretty recognizable though so it probably doesn't even matter.
All I know is that She has become me. We are no longer two separate entities but have come together as one.
OMG just shoot me...I don't want that bitch controlling me!
Dude this sucks.
But at the same time it is awesome.
No more worries...no more anxiety.
Just the overwhelming need to lose lose lose and to rid myself of gross calories that my body does not need.
I can't believe it has come down to this...that all I care about is losing weight and reaching a point where I can be skinny.
UGH I'm sooo fat right now!!!
But wait...am I really? Maybe my disease is just hiding the truth from me?!?!?!
God I don't know anymore...I don't know what to do?!!??!
I dont want this....make her leave!!!!!
Ah okay I'm fine really...just a little confused.
He...he...he.
::::::::::::::::smiles brightly::::::::::::::::::::::::
I feel so free!!! (Ana)

Yet also so hopeless and controlled....I'm so lost. (Amy)

I need some serious help but I already used up all of my chances to get better...
and better=fat anyway so whatever...the doctors and my parents just want me to get fat...
no that doesn't make much sense. Why would anyone want me fat? Maybe they just want me healthy?
ARG no no stupid bitch no. Everyone is against me...they want to take my freedom away from me. It's MINE. M I N E!

What the hell.
Do you see what I mean?

This isn't me.

But who am I?

Ana, she says.

I am an anoretic...a bulimic...an eating-disordered individual.
And that's all I am.

I wish there was more to me but there's not. I don't have anything else...this is my great accomplishment. How wonderful. I have a QUOTE eating disorder and nothing else. My disease makes me special. Wait does it really? No...it makes me sicker and just takes away everything that used to make up my good qualities. I want it gone. But how?

You stupid whore. Shut the fuck up. You need this. You NEED me. Without me you will die in this world.

*sigh*
So powerless over her.
=0(

2002-12-26T15:22:00.000-08:00

Written last night while I was on Ambien hehehe....you are forewarned!

Everything I am about to say may confuse and frustrate you but please realize that I am only being honest with myself and that you are choosing to read this. If you are easily triggered do not continue on with this entry because it will contain triggering content that has the potential to upset you.

I feel as though my whole reason to live as changed completely ever since the happenings of Monday, as if my very source of happiness has taken a sudden turn in direction. Allow me to explain a little:
I saw my doctor on Monday at 4:00pm for my weekly weigh-in which can and very often has in the past become a sort of game where I keep losing and so she hospitalizes me and then I gain weight, get discharged, and get right back down to where I started in terms of both weight and poor physical condition. Seeing as to how that is frequently the case, I warned Sean ahead of time (he was taking me to the appointment) that I felt as though it was going to be one of those hospital days because my weight had dropped six pounds in five days and also due to the fact that I could tell my potassium was low from the incessant tingling in my legs. I was oh-so-very-wrong though because my doctor was pretty angry at my rapid deterioration and exclaimed that she was not going to put me in the hospital again seeing as to how it does no good. I was shocked because usually she is so predictable but on this day she was the exact opposite. Silence filled the cold, white examination room.
“But….I….I…think I need to go to the hospital again. I really don’t feel so well. And it does help contrary to your beliefs…it truly does,” I managed to say.
“Amy…the hospital does not help you and you have already been there four times last month. I won’t hospitalize you again. And do you really want to be there during Christmas?” she replied.
“I don’t know. I just feel horrible and am pretty out of control with my eating disorder. To be perfectly honest, I want to go to the hospital. Yep…I want to! I truly believe that if you were to put me back in just once more, that it could help me get to a reasonable weight that I could feel better and be able to eat well at. I know it hasn’t worked like that in the past, but now I’m ready to get well…to really try for once. After the UCLA experience I had a sudden change in my whole way of thinking…I want to eat and not throw up but I can’t because I feel so terrible physically when I do eat or if I don’t throw after eating. I am very sick but no one seems to believe me! Won’t you just please give me a chance to get better at the hospital? I’m different now!” I almost started crying.
“I’m sorry but I am not going to hospitalize you, Amy. I mean, four times in one month? Give me a break. I know that I don’t understand what this is like for you but I can’t just keep putting you in and out of the hospital every week. Nope, this time you can just go to the ER and I’ll call over there and make sure that they check your electrolyte levels and that you get a couple liters of fluid in you,” my doctor announced.
So that was that and Sean and I just left her office while the doctor and I were not on the best of terms if you know what I mean. We sped over to the Emergency Room and I was taken into exam room eight almost immediately. The nurse lady was really nice and she started two IV’s going in me…one liter of saline and one liter of potassium chloride…I was hooked up to this big heart monitor and I had a pulse ox on my finger…I was really scared. The doctor was okay…she was sort of uncaring towards me and treated me with a lack of empathy for my eating disorder problems. And so I ended up spending a whole nine hours at the ER, which might I add, is nothing at all like the TV show! At one point I mentioned how I wanted to leave and how I didn’t care if the doctor wants me to finish out the whole bag of my IV because I was tired of being there for so long and if I was not even going to be admitted to the actual hospital then why bother to stay. I guess my doctor got very angry because she had to call for security…making it so that there were two really mean security guys with dogs watching me to make sure I wouldn’t leave against medical advice. Fun fun fun.
That was the worst experience ever and I just felt like no one cares about me and like no one even believes me when I say I’m sick.
Because of that traumatic experience for me my whole view on my life has changed completely. I am happy now because I don’t need to worry anymore about if the doctor is going to hospitalize me or not when I lose too much weight…since she has apparently decided to never hospitalize me again. Do you know how free I feel? My eating disorder is soooooooo happy and as a result I am happy!!! Now I feel like I have a grip on happiness…seeing the numbers go down on the scale every single day makes me soooooooo incredibly happy and so now there is true happiness in my life. I am now so free from all the pressures that I can finally reach my goal weight of 97 pounds and my doctor will of course freak but she wont hospitalize me so it doesn’t matter. Ana is making me sooooooooooo happy…she has opened up my eyes to a whole new world of ideas and happiness. Losing weight makes me soooooo happy because I have come to the blunt conclusion that I, myself, am fat. I know it is true. I have never felt so fat in my life before as I do now so I’m going to do whatever I can to make myself happy and to lose a lot of weight. It is so true that weight loss=happiness so why would I want to take away
what’s bringing me joy.
This leads into step two:
I don’t really think that I have an eating disorder. I’m totally serious. I just feel soooooooo ugly and fat and losing weight makes me so happy…so I just restrict or throw up what I do eat to be happy. I don’t want to lose my sense of joy. Maybe I’m not really as sick as everyone else seems to think I am and I’m surely not as sick as those poor sweet anorexic girls who look like they are about to drop dead because they are so skinny. I’m not skinny. It’s a fact. And so I do everything I can to get rid of the bad fat feeling…that is not really describing an eating disorder.
So basically what is going to be happening with me is that I’m going to continue trying hard to lose weight so that I can be truly happy with the results of the weight loss. I know that all of this sounds so crazy but I feel FREE. It’s awesome! Now that I know I will never be hospitalized again I can pretty much do whatever I want, and I can finally smile when I reach my goal weights…I don’t see my medical doctor until two weeks and so I’m especially free now on this winter break! YAY!! My doctor has made me sooo happy and I’m going to thank her sooooooo much because now I’m living my life with my eating disorder in control, and my eating disorder that brings weight loss brings me true happiness. Today I am a huge 102 pounds and it makes me want to cry just admitting that to you guys. I’m 5’7” you know…..I feel like I would maybe possibly be skinny enough at 87 pounds. Who knows?!!?!?!? I just have my goal in mind and it makes me happy so yayness.
I hope you guys understand that I really don’t like this disease. I just am too far gone in it right now to be able to recover without major support like from my doctor and my psychiatrist and my whole team of doctors. And my doctor pretty much turned down my last chance at trying to recover, so I feel as if she thinks I’m hopeless. Whatever though. Maybe it is hopeless….yep. Maybe it IS. We’ll see soon enough…But right now I’m just letting ana and mia control my life because it’s so much easier with them under control. Amy is still there and always will be but just for now, Princess Ana and Mia are the rulers…that makes me rather sad but I don’t know what to do because I’m so out of control with this eating disorder thing. I’m so lost, confused, and alone.
I’m so sorry if you had to read this.
I love you all soooooooo much!
((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
=0)

2002-12-20T16:44:00.000-08:00

OCD
Hmmmmmm...
What an interesting diagnosis for me.
Haven't heard that one before but maybe I should have.
My new therapist (who specializes in anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder) says that I have OCD and so he is going to help me overcome it because he believes that if we eliminate my obsessions then I will have a better understanding of how to fully recover from my eating disorder.
YAY!
Now there is actually a reason for why I freak out all the time about little things such as writing essays, speaking to adults, being contaminated by germs, how "everyone thinks I'm stupid", how "if I eat and keep food down then I'll gain massive weight and never stop gaining", how I'm going bald from ripping out my hair all the time in moments of intense anxiety (trichotillomania 312.39), talking to adults, etc...
He also says I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which frankly is NOT a new diagnosis for me, but I feel that my obsessions cause such deep levels of anxiety in me that I act out in compulsions to reduce my worries and fears.
It is so odd how in many cases eating disorders are either proceeded by or followed by comorbid disorders...
In my situation I feel that my eating disorder is a result of my many worries and obsessions so hopefully with intense outpatient treatment I can get well and grow in strength so that it becomes easier to keep up with the trials of recovery and I can truly prosper.
It puts me at ease to know that my feelings and anxiety can be explained, rather than just killing me in silence through a lack of knowledge about what the heck is wrong with me aside from the obvious eating disorder.
=0)

I didn't go to school today or yesterday but that's okay because I find that when I am not caught in the pressures involved with academics and the social situation of high school, I am able to eat with less obsessions about how fat my teachers and friends think I am and about how I should not eat much during the weekdays since I have to be seen in public at school and take in expected (only expected...no one actually taunts me for being QUOTE overweight and that is what makes this worry an obsession) criticism about my body/appearance.
So yes, I made the appropriate decision to skip school for the rest of this week so that it will not succeed in stressing me out and causing me to restrict or purge and deteriorate to an even worse state of health.
After all, I most certainly do NOT want to be forced into the medical hospital again simply because I let my anxieties get the best of me when they could have been easily avoided for the timebeing.
School will be an issue for me in two weeks after Winter break, but right now I'm trying not to worry about that. Instead I am trying to focus on how to take care of myself and to maintain my eating/health status during this crucial stage of recovery where relapse risk is high and overwhelming.
So far I have been pretty successful in terms of eating when and as much as I am supposed to.
As simple as that may sound, it's not but I'm really making an effort to "be good" inspite of the hardships involved.
And I keep telling myself that no one (not my peers, my acquaintances, my boyfriend, my teachers, my parents, my doctors, virtually the people of the world) has come to the conclusion that I'm an idiot for eating and that I am "too fat" to live.
Everytime I have one of those thoughts I surrender it up to God and cast my anxieties on Christ, exposing the unrealistic obsession to His almighty power.
This may sound kind of corny and stupid (omg there I go already with the worries that you, whoever is reading this will think I'm an imbecile) but I refuse to let the devil get the best of me.
Nope...I will keep Satan from strangling me, even if I have to rebuke him through the mentioning of Christ's name five hundred thousand times a day!

Stepping back from the spiritual aspect of my personal needs for getting well, I believe that knowledge about my disease and related problems is key.
If you know me pretty well then you surely realize how fascinated I am by eating disorders, medical information, psychiatric disorders, and more, and so currently I'm immersing myself in a bubble of knowledge to both inform me about my condition and to pick up on coping skills to better deal with my Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (307.50).
I purchased five new books from Borders yesterday about the body, health, eating disorders, etc. and all of this reading has me very excited and inspired to give recovery my all.
YAY!
Things are looking up for me right now as an outpatient and I hope they stay that way, but I assure you that if I find myself suddenly struggling with the jaws of my negative and destructive behaviors again, I WILL seek a more intensive form of treatment once again. The difference will be that if I ever go to an eating disorders facility again, I will participate in a residential program so that my lifestyle if not far from how it is at home, and the other change will be that I would pursue an adult facility. I strongly believe that UCLA failed in the manner of aiding me in working with myself to recover because:
1) It is an inpatient treatment center that is structured just like a psychiatric ward and that creates a high level of anxiety in me because it is soooo scary being in such a white, confined place.
2) The program consisted mainly of young adolescents such as in the 13-year-old range, and although I loved those girls to death and respect them in sooo many ways, it is very difficult sitting in group therapy with people who are facing totally different issues than me due to the age difference.
3) I was overly familiar with the swing of things at UCLA, meaning I knew the daily schedule, how treatment worked there, every staff member's flaws and good points, and basically the whole goal of the program since I had been it through already twice before. And because I was such a "veteran" there, I knew exactly how to go against the program and how to get myself kicked out and sent home.

I think I've written enough for now and I have to go anyway since my mother is yelling at me about how I have to reschedule all of my doctor appointments for next week since she has a hair appointment, so yeah thanks for reading.

I love you!
((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))

2002-12-18T19:32:00.000-08:00

Do You have an eating disorder?
brought to you by Quizilla

Kylie and I are twinsies!

2002-12-18T19:20:00.000-08:00

Well I'm back home and doing my best to hang in there.
Here are the details and updates on my situation:
Right after my last entry in here I was admitted to the medical hospital again for the bazillionth time and then I was transferred straight from there to the Neuropsychiatric Institute at UCLA.
I spent a whole thirteen days inpatient on 2-West, the eating disorders unit at the psych hospital and it was beyond horrible.
I was treated like shit, everything that I cared about such as my cds and books were taken away from me, I was forced to sit in the corner in front of the nurse's station for hours at a time...just facing the wall, my room was locked frequently so that I couldn't even leave it and talk to the other girls, I had to undergo test after test after test for my gastrointestinal tract since I felt so sick from the refeeding process, and overall I have never been so miserable in my entire life.
I went in at 107 (after gaining five pounds in the medical hospital beforehand) and came out at 106 pounds so I'm pretty much the exact same, in the way of looks of course that is.
I still take soooooooo many medications, except HA HA HA no more stupid Lexapro because praise the Lord my doctor at ucla took me off of it since she saw no reason for me to even be on it right now.
so now it's simply:
Reglan three times a day for my delayed gastric emptying
Protonix two times a day for my nausea
Folic acid once a day to help my B vitamins get absorbed
Iron three times a day to try and combat my anemia
Senokot twice a day because I'm majorly constipated
Valium or Ativan whenever I need them for anxiety
Ambien for my sleeping problems
and yeah that's it at this point in time.
YAY!
It's so great to be home, yet at the same time oh so depressing since my family situation and home life is the exact same as when I left, so my mom still triggers me insanely and makes me want to die and my father's negativity and hopelessness for my disease causes me to feel fully in despair. I've cried so much these past few days because I'm just so traumatized by all of these hospitalizations.
I can honestly say that I'm scared right now but trying my hardest to make things okay because I can't recover at an ED facility when I don't want to be there at all.
Nope...I need to do this all outpatient where I have more control and can take things into my own hands.

I went to school today for the first time in ages...
I cried my eyes out sooooooooo much because I felt so stressed out already by all of the work I've missed and by the pressure at school.
It's sooooooooo hard.
I'm just in such a tough, tight, little situations right now and I need to show my mother that I'm perfectly well and doing better or she will ship me off to another inpatient facility against my will, which will NOT help my eating disorder at all.
Recovery needs to be up to me and needs to be done for MYSELF, not because my mother is making me eat and get well.

My life has become so difficult and I'm just trying to survive right now.
I'm trying to live.
Literally...just to get through.
My health is totally unstable because my body doesn't handle food very well and it causes me to become very sick, tired, cold, and dizzy all the time, and no one seems to understand that.
I'm sick.
I'm going to be sick for a long while.
But just because I'm sick does NOT mean that I'm not trying my hardest.
I am.
I'm going to continue to.
It is just going to take a ton of support from those around me, not to mention a heart of understanding.
I WILL get well, whether I'm in this all alone or not...I WILL RECOVER.

I've missed you all soooooooooooooooooooooo much and I love you from the bottom of my heart. Thanks for always being there for me and for encouraging me you guys.
I'm always here for you if you ever, ever need to talk.
Lean on me.

2002-11-30T13:12:00.000-08:00

I cannot possibly even describe a worse feeling than my current one.
I told my mom last night that I felt really sick again and that I was worried but she was drunk and throwing up in the bathroom as a result so she just told me to lie down.
Great.
Then this morning I felt way worse and totally dehydrated and deficient in potassium which is fuckin serious people...and she called the doctor who said I was merely having anxiety attacks and that she is not going to hospitalize me again.
What the fuck.
I'm dying here and no one believes me.
Do you know how AWFUL it feels to know that no one in the entire world believes you? Believes that you are truly sick and in serious danger if medical attention is not sought out immediately?
It is a feeling that I cannot even try and explain because it is absolutely devastating.
I'm about ready to blow up inside from the fact that I'm all alone in this.
My doctor simply wants to see me Monday....well yeah what if I can't make it till then?
This is scary.
I wish I was eighteen so that I could go to the ER myself and get the goddamn intravenous fluids I need so badly.
"It's all in your control, Amy," they say...but it's NOT.
Anyone with an eating disorder knows it is not in your control.
If it was then why would I still be sick?
The professionals are idiots.
But especially.....my mother.
She says I need to drink.
Easier said than done you stupid whore.
I hate you bitch.
I HATE YOU.
Go to fuckin hell.
She yelled at me.
For being this way.
My pizza is in the oven right now and I just popped two Ambiens (yes even though it's the middle of the day) and I'm going to eat, throw up, and then sleep away the rest of my life.
Okay, not quite the rest of my life, but at least for a few hours.
I NEED to escape this madness.
I just NEED to.
No one believes me.
That thought alone KILLS me.
I'm not being taken seriously and I'm quite sick.
I really am.
No joke.
I remember this was how it was last year:
I was waiting to get into UCLA and I was in horrible physical condition but my parents did nothing and neither did my doctor.
I passed out on the floor and they thought I was faking it.
I got bitched at for that bigtime.
I should never have left the hospital.
Why am I so stupid.
I hate myself.
I'm such a fuckin cow.
Please just rob me of this misery.
It's completely unbearable.

Help...

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::Cries::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

2002-11-30T00:22:00.000-08:00

I just got out of the hospital yesterday and that was a huge mistake in itself that I actually got discharged because I am doing so horribly now.
I have somehow, that I cannot for the life of me figure out, lost seven pounds since yesterday afternoon when I was last weighed on the digital hospital scale. I'm still not skinny at all, though....I weigh a whopping 106 pounds right now. Yep...I gained while I was at Cottage Hospital. And now I'm right back down to losing unfortunately...It's like I have no control over my whole medical/physical situation whatsoever. My potassium is severely low again and I know this because I can already feel that familiar tingling in my feet and legs, and the awful numbness/limpness in my arms. I'm majorly dehydrated and drinking water doesn't seem to fix the problem at all because it just goes right through me in a matter of oh thirty minutes or so when I pee it out and feel the exact same dizziness, lightheadedness, and orthostatic hypotension that I did before I drank. When I left the hospital my doctor sadly informed me that my iron and hemaglobin levels are super low, meaning I'm moderately to severely anemic and I've been taking this iron pill twice a day, pending on whether or not my stomach can handle it painlessly, but yet the condition has gone unchanged for days now. I'm guessing that it's even more serious now that I'm at home than when I was released since my health in general has gone totally downhill...AGAIN. My heart does not feel good at all and the chest pains are pretty severe. Plus, the sinus arrhythmia has been creating problems with my breathing and it makes me feel even more like passing out than I normally do. My blood is probably not as oxygenated as it should be which is just plain SAD. Like the way I feel.
I'm totally depressed. Just about everything.
I want to go to UCLA and I'm so glad that they want me in their program, but at the same time I'm scared to go away and leave behind my friends and support systems. I remember this time last year when I was getting ready to go away and it was one truly sad, sad time for me in my life. I miss everyone already...
I miss Julia bigtime and her constant support for me.
I miss Riki and seeing her everyday at school...just having her there to be my positive motherly influence.
I miss Kylie and being able to connect with her each day via the internet. She is pretty much the one person who has kept me going through this rough time for me. Thanks sweetie for everything!
I miss Ali whom I have not talked to in ages and who I am deathly worried about if she is okay...
I miss Emmalee so so so so much because we have totally drifted apart and not communicated in like weeks....I miss her friendship and totally sweet and caring attitude...I will never forget how she was the one and only person who wrote to me when I was last at UCLA...that meant so much to me at the time and still touches my heart to this very day.

I hope people write to me! The address is:
Amy Robbins
UCLA-NPI/2-West
760 Westwood Plaza
Los Angeles, CA 90024

I'll write to as many of you as I can because my love for each of you is strong and everlasting.
I think I'm going to be okay but I have to go now and lay down before I pass out...Don't worry.
I'm eating melon as I write this...
Everything will be okay...I hope. And my doctor is on call this weekend so if anything major goes wrong before I see her on Monday then I can call her and update her on my latest issues.

Goodnight my dears....God bless you all.
Mwahs.

2002-11-20T18:26:00.000-08:00

Today was an incredibly looooooong and exhausting day...
I woke up at 7:00am since I'm used to getting little to no sleep from the hospital and I lasted for about an hour before I had to take my breakfast-time nap.
Then I woke up at 11:00am and called Chaun's class at school, proceeding right after to watch ER until it was time for my lunchtime nap.
I ended up sleeping until 4:00pm and I've just been hanging in there ever since.
Gosh...my body is soooooo tired all the day!
How sad!
But tomorrow it won't be...I'm actually going to school!
YAY!
How exciting!
I haven't been to school in forever!
That reminds me....I really miss Joel. I haven't mentioned him lately but that doesn't mean the sad feelings have disappeared.
He called me when I was in the hospital but of course I was sleeping and missed his call.
Sadness...
I see my medical doctor on Friday...I pray to God she doesn't hospitalize again.
I'm trying to eat.
Really!
It's just soooo hard.
My tummy hurts all the time.
I'm so sick.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::sobs:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
I wish I could make all of these bad icky sentiments go away!
=0(

Oh yeah....if you are reading this:
Kylie--I love you tons babe and I miss you like hell but my AOL has been acting up lately and so I haven't been on much and haven't caught you online...I think I'm going to start writing you a letter via snail-mail because I am soooooo sad not talking to you! Wah wah!
DAMN YOU AOL!

2002-11-19T16:08:00.000-08:00

I'm back home from the hospital....AGAIN.
*sigh*
Eight hospitalizations is eight too many for me or for anyone in general.
It feels so good to be back but I'm sure that feeling won't last.
Let me fill you in on things:
I saw my doctor on Wednesday and she was very concerned...
My weight had dropped to 102 pounds in the previous five days since I was discharged from the hospital.
My breathing was labored, and I felt very short of breath.
My blood pressure was incredibly low.
My pulse was racing.
My very appearance showed that I was dehydrated.
So that was that and I was admitted right back into the medical hospital after being out for a mere five days.
How sad.
When I got there the nurses freaked.
I laid down on my bed and three nurses hovered above me, one with an oxygen mask since I could hardly breathe, another with a heart monitor, and the other one with a bag of intravenous Potassium Chloride and the IV hookup to go with it.
I could not feel nor move my arms....they were totally numb.
My legs were tingling all over.
I was shaking.
My lips were blue and my teeth were chattering.
It was freezing.
Then a young man with a big machine came and did an echocardiogram on me to check the condition of my heart.
Everything was fine I think except that my total blood volume is a bit low.
Blood was drawn and EKGs were performed:
My potassium was 2.9 and my phosphorus was 1.3...
No wonder I felt like I was going to die.
But sure enough, I got over that in a matter of hours, after having tons of potssium pumped into my veins and after drinking cup after cup of this gross pink, citrusy-flavored phosphorus liquid.
I ended up staying there for six long, boring days and I'm sooo glad to be out now.
I'm not much different today than I was last Wednesday except that my electrolytes are back on track...my blood pressure is still very low...my pulse still jumps when I stand, along with my blood pressure dropping...I am still weak and tired when walking....my stomach still hurts from constipation...my albumin level is 3.4 and falling lower with each passing day, according to my doctor...my Vitamin B12 level is really low, meaning I have to have weekly injections of it once again...and I'm still fairly dehydrated.
But I cried and said I'd be good and eat and drink tons if only my doctor would release me, so she did.
YAY!!!
My parents and doctors have already contacted UCLA to get me on the waiting list there for inpatient treatment. I'm actually happy about it because I want to get better and I can use the break from all of this stress in my life.
Everything is looking good so far with getting me back in that eating disorder program...my insurance was approved and so now it is just a matter of convincing Dr. Strober and Roberta that I am urgent enough to be moved to the top of list and go there soon.
Somehow I don't think that will be a major issue.
Hmph.

If you made it this far I applaud you and I'm very sorry for blabbing.
I hope everyone is doing well and I send out my love to all!
Mwahs!

2002-11-12T19:48:00.000-08:00

If she yells at me for one second more I'm going to cry until I'm so dehydrated that I can no longer walk.

2002-11-12T19:08:00.000-08:00

*yawn*
I'm dead tired.
I slept for a long time in my resource class at school today, yet I'm still incredibly exhausted and sleepy.
I wonder why...
::::::::::::cough LOW POTASSIUM cough:::::::::::::::::
My heart has been bothering me so much lately, too...I hit myself in the chest frequently to try and stop the chest pains, but it doesn't cease their existence much.
I see the doctor tomorrow after school at 2:45pm so don't worry...I'm fine really. Or at least I WILL be when I'm back in the hospital (fun fun fun....) and then in an inpatient facility.
I'm freaking majorly about how the doctor is going to react to my major weight loss and horrible heart condition...I pray to God that she is not mad at me!
::::::::::::Cries:::::::::::::::::::::
And luckily I am meeting with Scott (my school counselor) tomorrow morning at 8:00am (Riki we can just meet at Chaun's class first thing and then go to his office, right?) and so I'll feel more at ease once I get my school plans straightened out.

Well I don't know what else to say except I need to get some rest now.
Much love to all.
*mwahs*

2002-11-11T08:24:00.000-08:00

It's too early in the morning for me to be voluntarily up, but here I am anyway.
I ummmmmm sorta kinda maybe never went to sleep last night.
I know...Let's all say it together now:
BAD AMY BAD!
I couldn't help it though...
I took THREE Ambiens and still found no peace in slumber.
The worries and anxieties about this upcoming week kept me up.
A lot of things are going to be happening with me in the next few days.
Just a lot of shit oh oops I mean fun stuff.
=0(
I'm taking matters into my own hands...
I'm keeping it majorly on the DOWNLOW but inpatient treatment is right around the corner for me...I'm insisting upon it pretty soon.
I can't take this crap anymore with my family....especially my mother's issues.
I need a break.
A big one.
I need to go to some place where I feel safe, supported by those surrounding me, fed positive words of encouragement and hope, and basically taken care of.
My health is so horrible right now and only getting worse the harder I try to eat more regularly...I don't think my body can tolerate food anymore...it's really sad but I refuse to give up on myself and just sit back and watch Amy die so I'm taking charge and fighting back now.
Here is the plan (okay not really a plan but just more like what is going to end up happening whether I like it or not):
I'm going to survive until Wednesday when I see the medical doctor for my weigh-in...
She will scold me after taking note that my weight is not 110 like she wanted but is hovering way below that instead...
She will immediately want to hospitalize me out of anger because of my cachexia (I'm smart now lol) and I'll apologize for being such a burden, then proceed to explain:
"I tried to eat, Dr. Hrach. I really did. But it hurt too much and I feel like I'm just too ill and weak right now for my body to handle the food. I don't feel well at all and that's why I think it is best if I were to go into a more aggressive type of treatment such as inpatient at this time. I'm really sorry for everything."
Then she will nod her head, listen to my heart with the cold stethoscope up against my back, and sigh.
"Amy....I'm afraid I'm going to have to put you back in the hospital again. You are just not at a stable weight and your heart doesn't sound too good. I'm going to have the nurse draw some blood from you and then do a quick EKG. I'll go write your orders for the hospital."
I'll probably start crying because I don't want to go back to the hospital again......good God no, but I know it's going to happen anyway....I just hope my doctor isn't so fuming mad at me that she writes strict orders........gosh darn it. I truly hope not.
So then I'll be miserable in the medical hospital for who knows how long this time....and right after I get out, I'll be sent away to an inpatient eating disorders facility that I really hope is an eating disorders HOSPITAL and not a residential place, because I'm in pretty bad physical condition and I sorta need a lot of constant medical attention so an inpatient treatment center with nurses like at UCLA would be my best bet for recovery....but oh well. I have virtually no voice or say in where I go or anything like that, so I can pretty much just hope that things work out for me.
I have thought long and hard about all of this and I could use major feedback on this next "plan of action" for my life...like do you guys think this is the right decision?
Like I mean to just sort of give up and go inpatient?
It's so scary....
I'm worried about being locked up again.
But then again, I'm even more worried about dying from this disease so it's all complicated.
I'm confused and super nervous....
I am trusting that another medical hospitalization and then an inpatient hospitalization is God's will and the best thing for me right now, but maybe my thoughts are just screwed up?!?!?!?!
Man, I'm soooooooooo freaked out about everything to come...
What will happen to me?
Am I going to die?
Am I going to ever recover?
Will my mom ever have faith in me?
*sigh*
This is sooooooo tough.
But anyway......other than straightening out these life and death matters in my life, everything is okay.
I'm fine....really.
::::::::::::::::::::smiles:::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Hehehehehehehehehe
*nervous laughter*

2002-11-10T22:07:00.000-08:00

Owwwwwwwwwwwww...my stomach hurts soooooooooooo much. I would think it was a ruleout appy (hehe I watch too much ER), that is, appendicitis or something similar considering the pain is in the right lower part of my stomach, but because I've had this exact pain, only not quite as extreme a couple times before while I was in the hospital, I know it isn't. Ahhhhhhh this does NOT feel good. Maybe it's my intestines or my organs......SHIT. I push on my stomach while throwing up and have been for years, so maybe I like pushed in my organs there and they are shrinking! Okay...I won't make assumptions but I am hurting majorly right now....
Crap!
AND you know what else I've noticed lately?
The dry skin on my face is ten times worse with each passing day (possibly induced by dehydration) and it burns!!! Wah wah.
PLUS, there are horrible bruises on my legs that I have no idea how they even got there since I don't remember ramming into anything recently but they hurt horribly and aren't exactly healing the slightest bit.
Okay, now that I've complained for awhile, I'll talk about the highlights of my day:
I am back together with Sean!
Please don't kill me you guys...I know many of you hate him because of our past sexual activity in exchange for "allowing" me to purge, but he has changed soooo much now.
He came and visited me soooo much at the hospital since of course my mother was too busy partying with her friends but it was really sweet!
And today he picked me up in his white Mustang convertible (hehehe yes he got a new car that his parents paid for....but he's paying them back since he works at a drycleaning place now lol) and we saw The Ring, which freaked me out and made me jump at various points during the course of the movie, and then we went out to eat at Red Robin....it was fun!
Except when I came home and my mother didn't even want to hear about where I had been or how my day was.....nope. She was too busy watching TV and yelled at me for trying to talk to her. I'm sorry you guys but that made me so miserable, that I threw up the whole meal. That seems to happen a lot....I get so upset that I turn to my eating disorder to relieve the emotional pain I experience from my mom's negligence.
But here's sort of a positive:
I feel so behind in school and so stressed out about that and my family situation that I'm strongly considering the possibility of inpatient treatment now. But I need to look into my options more so keep that info on the downlow and don't get excited just yet.
One bad thing is that it would mean I would have to be hospitalized in the medical hospital before going inpatient since in order to go to a residential program you need to be totally medically stable and of course, I'm not even close to that state.
So pretty much, I'd go for my eighth hospitalization and then immediately my ninth which would be no fun but hey...it'd get me the hell away from this triggering family situation I currently live in.
Update on that:
My brother admitted to me last night that he is taking ecstasy right now, along with other lovely drugs, and that he plans on selling them soon to make more money since he has wasted so much on them. Great.
My father cried all day long and was in a horrible frame of mind when I called him this afternoon because apparently his online friend who lives in Ireland died all of a sudden, and he was like obsessed with her...
My mother, sister, and I all believe that she was a con artist who was trying to rob my poor father of money....like get really close to him and then ask for his social security number or something.....we are afraid that one of her "relatives" is going to ask my dad to like make a donation to her family for her funeral plans or something.....
Hmmmmmm....not good at all.
I'm stressed bigtime.
But I must pretend to be happy for everyone around me except those of you close to me...
"I'm FINE, mom. FINE, dad."
Yeah right.
More like:
"I'm DYING, mom. DYING, dad."
Oh well...Today I am alive and that's what matters.....
I'm trying to take it one day at a time...to live moment by moment...
That's pretty much all I can do, along with researching eating disorder facilities in California....
I don't give a shit if my effin family won't help me...
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII will help me.

2002-11-09T23:33:00.000-08:00

::grumblegrumble:: *gnaw on Robitussin bottle*

What pisses you off?

Created by ptocheia

2002-11-09T11:13:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning feeling all gungho about recovery.
In fact, I was even going to come on here and write about how positive I feel and how hard I'm going to try, and that I'm actually allowing myself to eat today.

I'm really sorry for disappointing you all, but those feelings didn't last.
They've been crushed and shredded into a bazillion pieces because my mom woke up and started talking to me.
I asked her enthusiastically if she could please go to the grocery store soon so that I could have food to eat for breakfast since "I'm feeling soooooo much better and happier and want to be healthy."
"Well I'm not going to even be ready to leave the house for a couple hours because I am going on the treadmill for thirty minutes now and then I have to take a shower and put my makeup on and do my hair. Plus, we have plenty for you to eat in the house right now. Look in the refrigerator. We have tons of fat-free cottage cheese."
"Well I know we have cottage cheese, Mom....It's just that I'm used to eating stuff like bagels and muffins and fruit in the morning from the hospital...I can't just have cottage cheese for breakfast!"
"Why not? Are you going to be binging? I can't afford to go to the store so often for you anymore...I'm wasting hundreds of dollars on food each week!"

Greaaat. There goes my plans for a healthy breakfast. Just because I want to eat more than fat-free cottage cheese for breakfast does not mean that I'm going to be binging....it means that I'm trying to be healthy and to put the "recovering" part back into the title of "recovering anorexic."
Now I'm so depressed that I don't ever feel like eating again.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't realize how much my mother affects my progress (or should I say "lack of progress") before today...but she totally shattered all of my hopes and dreams for a hopeful recovery. Now I feel like I'm never going to get well......I'll be anorexic and bulimic for the rest of my shortened life! And when I say shortened I mean it....this disease is KILLING me. I'm dying right now in soooo many ways.
For example:
I weigh as much as I did when I was ten years old, inspite of the fact that I'm seven inches taller now.
My hair is so thin and limp that it just sticks so close to my head all the time, and if I even touch it the least bit, clumps of hair fall out. My room is covered with my dead hairs all over the place, as gross as that sounds.
My body temperature averages right around 96 degrees, give or take a few, which is pretty darn close to a hypothermic level.
My blood pressure remains around anywhere from 88-103/44-60 which I honestly doubt is stable at all.
I get sooooo dizzy when I stand up at certain times throughout the day that I fall over and get this awful buzzing in my ears.
I'm dehydrated 24/7 regardless of how many fluids I drink or how many IVs I'm hooked up to.
My potassium level falls to a deathly low at least a few times each month and I have to go to extreme measures to get it up before my following doctor's appointment or I'm hospitalized for over a week straight.
My heart goes from barely beating at all with bradycardiac arrhythmias to racing at incredible speeds with tachycardiac arrhythmias...in general, my heart has not shown up as totally normal and flawless even once in the past six months but instead it always has premature atrial contractions or a right branch bundle block or some nonspecific ST changes or an inverted T-wave or sinus arrhythmia or supraventricular tachycardia or just some sort of cardiac abnormality that's potentially dangerous. Too bad that my heart just gets worse as I regulate my eating.
My albumin protein level is almost always quite a ways below the norm and that's an indicator of overall health and nutrition so I'm pretty much damned and cursed with malnutrition.

I'm really scared because I don't want to die. I really don't.
But at the same time I don't know how I can recover when my family situation remains dysfunctional and unchanging.
I need to at least try anyway, though.
I NEED to.
It's a life or death matter.
I have to live......I WANT to live....
I'm choosing to live and why?
Because I CAN.
Because it's up to me and NOT up to anyone else.
As I learned yesterday from the hospital social worker guy:
I am precious and perfect and always have been, regardless of whether or not I am treated that way by my parents or others. Just because my mother does not see it, doesn't mean that I can't.
I just want to be loved.
When my church friend, Adam came and visited me in the hospital, he told me something that made me break into tears because it touched my heart so much and I'm not used to hearing it (except of course from my online friends whom I care about dearly...but it's just not the same hearing it via the internet than in person):
"Amy, we (everyone in my youth group) love you and care about you. We've noticed that you haven't been at youth group in awhile and we all really miss you."
That caused me to start sobbing because my mother never tells me she loves me ever and I mean, the only reason my father does is because I say it to him first and now it's just sort of a habit if you know what I mean......kinda like "Bye daddy....I'll see you later...I love you..." and then he says it back because he is probably afraid of dying before he gets to see me next and wants me to be at peace when he's gone. My dad really does care.....don't get me wrong. And I really do love him and know that he loves me. It's just that it doesn't really sink in, I guess. My ears have become immune to it almost. It's rather peculiar.
I'm just dying for some love, for some attention, and some optimism.
My mom doesn't believe that I'll ever recover as is easily seen and oh-so-often-proven by her harsh words towards me , and so that lack of faith in my abilities and strength as a person affects me negatively and makes me hopeless like hmmmm maybe I won't ever recover since one so near and dear to me as my very own mother doesn't think I will.
Who knows.
But I'm starting to learn that I can't base these crucial decisions such as to try and eat or to simply give up on how she feels.
I need to break away from her altogether because her attitude and beliefs are destroying me so much emotionally that I take it out on myself physically.
*Sigh*
This is sooooooo hard.
I'm just completely lost and alone right now.
I don't really know what to do....
Well actually, that's a lie.
I do know one thing:
It feels soooooooooooo good to take care of myself....to sort of nurse myself back to a state of temporary health. Last night I was feeling sooooooooo sick and nauseous and insanely light-headed so I slowly drank cup after cup of lite cranberry juice (only 40 calories per eight ounce serving) to hydrate myself a little better and I sort of rocked back and forth on the floor, whispering to myself that everything was okay and that I was going to be fine. I was actually nurturing to my body and mind and it felt great. I need to remember that......no one else knows my needs better than I do and so what's stopping me from fulfilling my need love and comfort? Nothing...that's what.
I can take CARE of myself and be LOVING towards me because that's what I need in my life right now: Someone to love me and make me feel like I'm safe.
But sadly enough....as much as I can say all of this, all of my needs can't be met by me alone.....like when I was in the hospital, I peeked into some of the other rooms and saw patients with visitors (probably spouses, mothers, fathers, close friends, or any sort of a loved one) who stayed by the person's side and even slept there with him or her. I've been in the medical hospital five times so far in my lifetime and it is soooooooooo freakin scary....I needed my mom to be close to me, or just someone near me so that I didn't feel so afraid...sure the nurses were right in front of my room but that didn't make me feel any better.
I feel abandoned and betrayed almost by my parents, especially my mother.
When my sister was in the hospital years ago for her Anorexia, I remember that my dad stayed with her the very first night...sure it's six years later and I've been hospitalized many times but that shouldn't stop my parents from caring....Yes my dad has a terrible disease...Lou Gehrig's disease to be exact, but I feel like he should still be there for his daughter more......I really do love him though no matter what...he tries but that negative disease voice in his head stops him from turning outward and caring about anyone else in his life. My mom.....what's up with her? Okay, she goes to work three-four days a week but what about the weekends? She could have stayed with me Friday night or Saturday or Sunday or even on a work night.....I mean, her job IS just down the block from Cottage hospital (she's a patient counselor for a plastic surgeon) so she could have visited me more than the three times she came...two of those times were for meetings in my hospital room with my doctors and the other one was for like five minutes while she dropped off stuff I needed like cds and my discman. After awhile I just didn't even want her there.....my ex-boyfriend, Sean stayed with me more than anyone did and god did I appreciate that. He would have spent the night with me each night if his parents had let him.
*sigh*
I'm so sorry that this entry is sooooooooooooooooooo incredibly long but as you can tell, I'm just very frustrated.
Maybe I'll go drink some more juice now, cry for a moment, and then tell myself it's going to be okay.
But don't worry because I've decided that I'm going to try and eat today....to make an attempt at being healthy and see how that goes for just one day on my own.
God bless.

2002-11-08T16:02:00.000-08:00

Man oh man...
Okay now.
As many of you know, I just got out of the hospital an hour ago.
I had been there since last Thursday morning, which means for eight lovely days of fun-filled excitement. Riiiiiiight.
I hated it so much.
Let me fill you in a little bit:
You know that meeting with all of my doctors that I was sooooo NOT looking forward to bright and early last Thursday?
Well it turns out that none of my doctors were too happy with the results of my weigh-in the day before (107 pounds..hehehe my ass I weighed 107 but yeah) and so they decided to hospitalize me on a spur of the moment basis. Greaaaat.
It was a rather good thing that they did though, because my potassium was pretty low, my sodium was really low from dehydration, I had cardiac arrhythmias, and my weight was 103 pounds.
It is so sad but my doctor had just drawn blood from me the day before and all of my labs were perfectly fine--in the normal range--and my EKG had not been too abnormal either...
But then by the very next day my body was so malnourished and starved that everything was all screwed up and I was in terrible shape.
That's really scary to think that I went so downhill in a matter of one night. Gees.
But now I'm back and that's what matters...I can't even remember the last time I threw up and I'm not planning on it anytime soon so that's good.
I'm really lucky that my doctor released me today:
My insurance ran out.
LOL!
What a shame.
She was not happy with my current weight as 107 pounds....I was supposed to be at 110 before even being considered for discharge but oh well! I'm soooo thrilled to be out!
Also, one thing that really pissed me off was that my doctor told me that the nurses had mentioned to her that I had flushed my dinner down the toilet last night...Ummmm NO. Too bad I didn't. I'm so upset that no one trusts me gosh darnit! I totally ate all of the food that I was given.....sure I didn't do it happily, but I did go along with the "treatment plan" for me, so there's a positive.
Some general facts about the hospital that sucked for me:
*I was moved into a room right in front of the nurse's station a few hours after my arrival, so that they could watch me better.
*I was not allowed to shut my door for the first two days, until I finally talked my doctor into letting me close it since I couldn't sleep with all of the noise from the nurse's station.
*It took five different stabbings (okay more like "penetrations" that felt like stabbings) and three different nurses to get an IV up and running in a reasonable vein...the first time in my left hand vein (major ouchies!!!) leaked my blood all over the place, the second time in my left wrist vein missed the vein, the third time in my right upper arm vein went in but got infiltrated after about twenty minutes and my nurse finally removed it after my arm swelled up to like twice the size of my other arm and I began to cry in pain, the fourth time in my right arm elbow vein gave no blood response, and then the fifth time in my left arm elbow vein was the winner! YAY! Oh happy day...we all know what a joyous occasion it is to stop being stuck with needles over and over again....or I should say "catheters" rather than needles because an IV is really a little plastic catheter instead of a jabbing needle....the pain is still there though, nonetheless.
*I had to have a nurse in my room with me during meals to make sure I was actually eating.
*I had to eat six times a day...three HUUUGE meals, along with three big snacks, and either two or three cans of Boost Plus. Yuck.
*My urine had to be collected in the bathroom so that the doctor could monitor my input and output amounts and I got bitched at many times for only consuming like 575 or something like that cc's of liquid a day, which is not even a liter so my doctor tells me, and for being out more than twice that much, causing me to be even more dehydrated.
*My weight was pretty much hovering around 105 after the third day, and so my doctor threatened me with a feeding tube so that I drank more and got my weight up simply from fluid retention...oddly enough, it didn't go up that much at all....just two pounds, inspite of my excessively large calorie intake.
*The very first hour after I was in my hospital room, laying in my hospital bed, I became hysterical and started crying like crazy becauuse I hated the situation so much.....I mean after all, this was my SEVENTH hospitalization in the past year.....and it had barely even been a whole month since my last one....my nurse freaked out and called my hospital case worker who I despised because she kept telling everyone that my disease was controlling me and that that was why I was so upset about being in the hospital again...and then she called this nice pediatrics social worker who came and talked to me for like an hour, until I eventually calmed down. He was actually pretty cool...

Well that was a lengthy overview of my hospital stay so I hope I didn't traumatize you too much with the details.
I am just soooooo happy to be back home again, although I know that tonight I'm going to be feeling mighty lonely since I have been used to being looked after and checked up on every hour, and around a lot of people...and now I need to get used to being all alone again at home.
*sigh*
Oh yeah...one thing I will definitely NOT miss about the hospital is being woken up in the middle of the night by some nurse's aide guy rolling me over onto my back because apparently my blood pressure drops really low at night...like to 88/44...and it makes the blood pressure machine sound off this loud, obnoxious alarm and so the guy wanted to take it again with me in a different position, and luckily it helped a little bit and got my pressure up to around 90/50 which is I guess in a "safer" range.
Another thing I won't miss about being there, and this was an especially common problem for me, was my really low body temperature that made the nurses freak out. On average it was around 96.0 degrees fahrenheit and I guess that no one was aware that a lowered body temp is often seen in anorexic patients, because it ended up with like the nurse's aide calling in a nearby nurse to my room after seeing my temperature, and then that nurse calling in another way after taking it again and getting the same reading, and so on until there was like a rendezvous with half of the nursing staff in my room. What fun, especially when I'm trying to take a nap. I remember one night, my temperature got super super low.....at 94.1 degrees fahrenheit and so my nurse brought those little heating pads that they put on your arm sometimes before putting in an IV to get your veins to come out, all over my arms to warm me up...and then took my temperature thirty minutes later to see that it rose to 95.4 degrees...(don't even ask me how I remember these random numbers....I just have like a photographic memory for math-related/number-related things I guess) and so she left me with more on for another thirty minutes and it got up to 96.0 degrees which she figured was better than before, and so I was okay aftter that and left to sleep in peace, but yeah...it was not cool at all being stuck with that ear thermomator and then a mouth one and then an armpit one so many times...UGH.
I can't believe just how much my eating disorder has destroyed me.
It's so terrible.
Gees...
I pray none of you have to go through this hospital shit like me but I know perfectly well that a few of you have so an extra special shoutout of empathy for my Sammi sweetie who has especially felt my pain these past few years...I love you hun and we WILL get through this together!
To my other special chicas: Stay strong and remember just how much I love you!
Mwahs!
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((super hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

2002-10-30T17:13:00.000-08:00

I'm rather upset right now.
I just got back from my doctor's appointment and the nurse wouldn't let me see my EKG strip!!
ARRRRRRRRRRRRG you stupid lady!
I don't think it was that bad this week, either...gosh darnit.
Oh well...I see the doctor again tomorrow morning, bright and early, so I'll be sure to ask about it then.
I hope the three vials (CBCs, Comprehensive metabolic panel, Magnesium, and Vitamin B12) of blood I had drawn were okay...that was just too much fun for me to even try and describe. Riiiight.
The wonderful scale lied in my favor: 107 pounds.
Wow.
Funny how my much more accurate and DIGITAL scale said I was 105.5 pounds (with all of my clothes on).
Hmmmmm.
Ha ha ha!!!!! Yay for me! MY doctor was like, "So you lost some weight, huh?"
And I simply replied, "Ummm no...if anything I gained...you know perfectly well I was not 114 pounds last week."
Yeah, she knew....that's probably why she didn't even think about hospitalizing me for it. YES!

That was the major event of my dull day. Some extra information if you care would be:
I stayed home from scool today.
I've been sooooooo nauseous and ready to throw up involuntarily as a result.
(ooooh yeah...my doctor gave me some Protonix to help my nausea and to help my food stay down)
I've been freaking out all day long about that fabulous meeting tomorrow...

Let the good times roll.

2002-10-29T18:42:00.000-08:00

Ewwwwwwwww...I feel soooooooo nauseous right now.
Yuck.
I came home early from school today because I wasn't feeling well at all, and ever since then I've been pretty much confined to my bed, ready to hurl at any second.
There is no way I can miss school tomorrow, though. I have an Econ quiz second period and my classmates are counting on me to show up so they can copy off of my paper. Man...
Oh yeah.
I have a weigh-in tomorrow, also. Greaaaaat. I wonder what fun and excitement is planned for me at that appointment?!?!!?!?
That reminds me...I haven't made myself throw up in the longest time....you guys would be so proud! Sure it's pretty much because I've been sick lately and too preoccupied to purge my food, but oh well...I still haven't done it for a couple of days...Gooooooooooo me.
*sigh*
I just need to make it to Friday and I'll be okay...I mean, tomorrow is weigh day and Thursday is my big doctor meeting, so when (notice how I say WHEN and not IF..lol) I get through all of that lovely crap, I'll feel a bazillion times better emotionally than I do now.

Man, my life is just too much fun, ya know?!?!?
Hmph.
Riiiiiiiight.
I guess you could consider it appealing if you like being anxiety-ridden every moment of the day...

2002-10-28T14:39:00.000-08:00

School was uneventful and anxiety-inducing as usual, today.
My accomplishment of the day was at lunchtime when I actually sat with my QUOTE "friends" for the first time in weeks...maybe even months..who knows?!?! It's been soooo long since I have talked to Ashley and Kimberly because usually I spend lunch by myself, shivering in the sun, trying not to think about food, but I decided to be social today and go say hi. I felt like they hadn't even noticed the fact that I sorta disappeared out of nowhere from them....that awhile ago I just randomly stopped showing up at lunch to sit with them. They didn't even care. Seriously. And what bothered me even more was how inspite of me actually being there today, the two of them just virtually ignored me the whole thirty minutes and talked amongst themselves about certain topics that I could not exactly jump right into the conversation with...I mean, stuff like what happened in the classes they have together and about people who I have never met before and about what they did this weekend....talk about being a third wheel. I felt so unbelievably excluded, and it totally reminded me of why it's so much better to isolate myself than go through that akward, self-esteem-lowering hell of fraternizing and trying to appear overtly happy-go-lucky all the time.
It's so sad how my anxiety comes in the way of having close friendships with people...like I honestly believe that I'm one of those individuals who can get along with everyone in this world (I'm a total people-pleaser), but at the same time, that doesn't really matter because I choose not to hang out with potential "friends."
Julia used to ask me all the time if I wanted to hang out or if she could come over, but as I kept coming up with lame excuses about why I couldn't, she got sick of trying to keep our friendship going, and sort of just gave up. Don't get me wrong....we are still friends and all, but she doesn't know what to do to help me in terms of my social-anxiety, not to mention with my eating disorder either, and I don't blame her. If I were in her shoes, I don't think I'd know what to do....it's only natural for a person to not want to watch her best friend die a slow, self-torturous death from an eating disorder.
But then what is there for me to do? It is my humble opinion that we all need friends to manage in this world and to be happy...so how can someone like me who has this oh-soooooooooo-fun disease go about having friends and benefiting from human connections?
I think I may have an answer to that:
Have a little more self-confidence so that you don't always have to be worried that what you said was stupid or that everyone hates you or thinks you are fat or that you are too much of a bad person for anyone to actually like you...
So maybe if I felt better about myself, I'd be able to stand up taller and be comfortable with who I am as a person, thus eliminating the fear of constant rejection by my peers and allowing me to be present in social situations without panicking tremendously.
Hmmmm...that's quite interesting...
I'm seeing a goal here...
=0)

2002-10-27T20:54:00.000-08:00

I'm already stressing out about the huge meeting on Thursday with all of my doctors, AND about my weigh-in on Wednesday...UGH...
I actually admitted to my dad tonight when we went out to dinner with my sister, that my weekly weigh-ins have been killing me with anxiety and that I really NEED, not just want, my treatment team to get rid of the stupid bottom of the range weight of 114 for me...I told him that right now I weigh 106 (okay so I lied a little...I didn't want to scare him!!) and that it tears me apart having to gain all of that fake weight for my doctor's appointment....
He basically said that I should go to my weigh-in this week at my real weight and tell the doctor that I'm sick of playing this little game with her and that I'm simply not going to do it anymore. I felt way relieved that he was supportive of me in that way, but I'm stills cared about being sent to the hospital if I am not at 114 pounds....but duh...it's not like the doctor doesn't already know that I'm not anywhere near 114 so she shouldn't admit me. Okay...I'll pray for the best.
Hmmm...school again tomorrow. I can feel the stress vibes already. I like learning...okay more like LOVE learning, but it just takes away all of the fun when my perfectionism kicks in and I have to rewrite my papers over and over again until they are perfect...yikes. Talk about robbing me of energy, too. ARG...
My goal of the week is to ::::::::::::GASPS::::::::::::::::::::: gain three pounds...three real pounds to get me up to 104-105 for my weigh-in this week, since I did tell my dad I was 106....
There is absolutely no difference between the way I look at my current weight and at 104 anyway, so that's why I'm not freaking out.
Okay...
"Everything is going to be A-OK."

2002-10-26T13:14:00.000-07:00

Yay...I'm glad Blogger is working okay again now!
It's 1:15pm and I just woke up....gees I could sleep forever, without even realizing the passing of time. And I'm sooooooooooooooooooooo glad it's Saturday...I keep thinking there's school tomorrow since I didn't go yesterday...but yay there's not!! I'm happy to say that I got over my lonely feelings of yesterday because in the midst of the silence of my slumbering house last night, my sister came over with her two dogs! Usually I bitch and complain about her going over all the time, but dude...last night I was beyond thrilled and talking up a storm. So all in all, having that extra human connection cheered me up and I feel less hopeless now. Thank God!
And now my mother has randomly decided to go to the grocery store, so I'm going to attack the list with my many picky requests....hehehe!
=0)

2002-10-25T22:40:00.000-07:00

Testing...testing...

2002-10-25T21:00:00.000-07:00

I really like quizzes!!! If you couldn't tell, I mean! LOL! =0)

2002-10-25T17:06:00.000-07:00

What Psych-Ward do you belong to?

Take the What Sex Position Are You? test by Ley Ley

Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel.

See what Care Bear you are.

2002-10-25T15:12:00.000-07:00

Stayed home from school today and by now I wish I had gone because I'm soooooooo lonely. And plus, my brother and his friend, Mike were here all day long, watching TV at incredibly loud volumes, eating up all the food in the house, smoking nonstop, and tracking in dirt into the kitchen....the kitchen I just cleaned a few days ago gosh darnit!!! ARG...Why must my brother be so stupid and lazy?!?!? And not to mention, verbally abusive! It really upsets me bigtime! But anyway...I'm feeling a bit better than I did this morning, other than the fact that I'm way nauseated....but like my head doesn't ache as much and my nose isn't as stuffy...and I had a slight fever in the middle of the night which has passed now...my temp is back down to my normal low...96.4 degrees Fahrenheit! YAY! I HATE having a fever, so thank God it's gone.
I wish I could have gone to school......it's so weird how when I DO go, I'm like, Wah wah I wanna go home...but then when I don't go, I'm like wah wah I should have gone! I'm so confused! LOL! And it's Friday, so I hope Joel didn't visit today with me not there because that would just make me beyond sad that I missed him... =0(((((((((((((((((((((
I wonder if anyone even noticed I wasn't there....hmmmm. Now THAT'S a good question. Probably not considering I'm just a big fat loser...and lately I've been quiet because I just want to disappear, so I seriously bet that not one person realized I was not in class. I think that's more of a good thing, than a bad thing though because half the time I wish I were invisible at school...God, I'm pathetic but oh well.
On a positive note, I only threw up once yesterday and so far, not at all today. Wow! What an accomplishment!!!!!!!!! But then you get to the part where you look at how much I've been eating and it's not exactly enough so I'll leave out that minor detail to spare myself from disappointment. I'm exactly 103 pounds today, which is no biggie to me...I've been thinking a lot lately, and I'm strongly considering just maintaining my weight around 102-104 pounds because I think I'm starting to get uglier as I lose more weight and I only want to be beautiful. I personally don't feel "skinny" yet, but I'm starting to realize that I don't think my eyes will EVER show me a non-distorted view of myself, so I'm sort of just relying on what others say about me right now, and based on that input, I "don't need to lose any more weight." Okay, now that's sooooooooo hard to believe, but I'm going to try to because I don't know how much lower I can get before my body totally shuts down...I mean, I'm not anywhere near death now, but that doesn't mean I won't be at 95 pounds or 97 pounds or 99 pounds...I really don't want to die. Really. I just want to stay right where I am and be in good health. YES...it's possible.
Anyway, I'm getting pretty tired so I'm going to go heat some water for my cup of coffee.
I hope all is well with my SOED girlies! Mwahs! I wuv you guys! It's the weekend now so RELAX!

2002-10-24T20:06:00.000-07:00

Ugh....It's a few hours later than when I last posted and man, oh man do I feel way worse. I ended up sleeping from 5:00pm to 8:00pm, which means two super long naps in one day and that's just not normal for me. I woke up from my last nap several minutes ago and my throat is even more sore than before, I'm sneezing more, I'm coughing up a lung, and I just feel really congested. Ickiness....
=0(

2002-10-24T15:34:00.000-07:00

I was soooooooooooo tired today and so during my resource class, third period, I zonked out on the couch...Next thing I know I'm waking up with a sore throat and headache, and it's not exactly third period anymore.
"Chaun....is it almost time for fourth period?" I asked sleepily with my eyes still closed.
"Fourth period? We're in the middle of fifth period right now.....you slept for sooooo long!" he replied with a hint of laughter in his voice.
Apparently I had slept all through third period, through fourth period, through lunch, and halfway through fifth period for over three hours! And according to reliable sources, I had been in a really deep sleep because various people had tried to wake me up but had no luck whatsoever in doing so...oops. I feel kinda bad now because everyone in that class probably thinks I'm some huge slacker and an indolent, disrespectful girl...Oh well. I needed the sleep soooooooooo much and I feel a LOT better now...well emotionally, that is, and physically better in the sense that I'm not tired anymore. Now I just feel like I'm coming down with something....my throat hurts, my voice is getting hoarse, I keep having coughing fits, and my head hurts. Ugh. What a lovely feeling. The strange part is that I felt fine this morning....I must have picked up some cold germs from someone today, especially since it is so easy for me to get sick because my immune system is pretty worn down from my deteriotating health (thanks to my fabulous eating disorder....hehehe lol....not funny) but whatever. I'm dealing with it. I took some lovely Tylenol when I got home from school to relieve my ouchie head so hopefully I'll feel better soon. I love you all tons and pray that you feel a bit better than I do! Fight off those yucky sickness germs!

2002-10-23T20:31:00.000-07:00

Which Disney Princess are you?

2002-10-23T18:31:00.000-07:00

Wow. What a day it has been!
I woke up this morning feeling not so good....the usual eating disorder problems...dizziness, fatigue, muscle aches, headache.....(Thanks Ana and Mia for blessing me with these joyous feelings! Riiiiiiiight...a bit FAT thank you to you. UGH.)
I went to school, hardly said a word first and second period to anyone, then suddenly crashed third period while talking to Riki and just sunk lower and lower from there...I bawled my eyes out and said obnoxious things that I regret saying....but basically everyone knew I was overly anxious about being weighed this afternoon.
My dad picked me up right after six period and we drove to my mom's house in utter silence until he broke the awkwardness by bitching at me about why the hell do I not have any friends who can take me to school on Friday morning....(usually my mom does but she can't this week so oh heavens no, he has to take me! God....it's not THAT big of a deal to wake up a little earlier than usual for him....all he has to do is pick me up from here, drop me off at school, go back to his apartment and jump right back into bed.)
I immediately whipped out my scale the second I got in my room and measured to what extent of damage control I'd have to put myself through....apparently I gained two pounds from the cup of Chex Mix and jelly beans I ate last night right before bed, putting me at a grand total of 104. Shit, I thought and ran into the kitchen, grabbing five cans of Chocolate Mocha Boost + one-fourth of a container of fat free cottage cheese + one untoasted sesame bagel. I ate all of that food and downed those cans of liquid supplement in less than five minutes and then proceeded to run to my closet and grab my heaviest and baggiest pair of jeans. I threw them on me ASAP and kept on my same pink Roxy sweatshirt that I had worn to school since it was pretty big and would add more weight. Leaped back on the scale: 107.5 pounds now. Uh oh......now it was panic time, but wait...no need to worry because a few months ago I bought two three pound ankle/wrist weights and so I whipped those out of hiding and strapped one to each of my legs, right above the knee. Scale check: 114...purrrrrrrfect. The only bad thing was that I had to sort of hold up my jeans because they were so huge and also because it made the bulkiness of my weights less obvious.....but my weight was seemingly fine and just in time because my mom came home from her hair appointment two seconds later and ushered me out the door to go right away.
I got weighed and saw the doctor. The stupid nurse lady made me take off my sweatshirt so I was like 113.5 which I claimed really was "114...ha ha ha *fake nervous laughter*..." Luckily, my doctor didn't care about the 0.5 weight difference and so everything was calm and cool. Phewwwwwwww. And I didn't even have to have blood drawn or an EKG done or anything so YAY!!! The one "problem" with me today was that my pulse was 112 bpm and so my doctor wrote "arrhythmias" on my chart which didn't exactly put me at ease, but oh well.....it's all good and I lived through it. I wish I had known it was going to be so easy at my appointment, earlier today at school, but I didn't and my stupid outflow of emotions in front of everyone is a thing of the past now so I'm going to try not to worry.
*huge sigh of relief*
I feel ten-thousand times better at this moment than I have in a long time.
And oh yeah...my mom told me today that she met with this social worker guy, Bert who I am forced to talk to every Monday during third period (he's an okay guy...It's honest to say I don't hate him at all) and he is going to hook us up with information about this psychiatrist guy who will cost much less than the stupid BITCH I'm seeing right now, and this new psych will also do my therapy, along with meds, so that means less time spent in therapy since right now I have a separate therapist and psychiatrist and with him I won't! YES! This makes me so happy because maybe this new guy won't be so med-crazy like my current psych who, before I even say a word after stepping into her office, blurts out that "WE ARE UPPING YOUR MEDICATION, AMY" without even hearing if I'm feeling better and have been okay lately...Gosh! How would she know that she needs to up my dosage when she hasn't even asked me how I'm doing????? Huh huh huh? ARG! But yeah...I feel way better about this change that is coming up. It good be very positive for me!
=0)

2002-10-22T21:47:00.000-07:00

Stolen this time from the sweet and wonderful Emmalee dearest~

1. If you could only choose 1 cd to ever listen to again, what would it be?
The most recent Jars of Clay cd

2. If you could only choose 2 movies to watch ever again, what would they be?
Girl Interrupted and Rat Race

3. If you could only choose 3 books to read ever again, what would they be?
Wasted, The Holy Bible, and Jane Eyre.

4. If you could only choose 4 things to eat or drink ever again, what would they be?
Diet Cherry 7UP, Chex Mix, Jelly beans, and fat free Cottage Cheese with pineapple.

5. If you could only choose 5 people to ever be/talk/associate/whatever with ever again, who would they be?
Joel, Julia, Emmalee, Kylie, and Ali.

2002-10-22T18:54:00.000-07:00

Stolen from Ky who stole it from someone else...

[How old are you] 17
[When you look at yourself in the mirror, what do you see] I see an insanely overweight person who looks like her head is too small for her large, flabby, cellulite-covered body.
[Would you say your vision is distorted] Yes, but the only reason I say that is because too many people have told me I'm too thin...(my dad told me just an hour ago that I look like I just got out of the hospital) and I just don't see it no matter how hard I try.
[Have you ever been diagnosed by a doctor with an eating disorder] By many doctors...Anorexia Nervosa by my first doctor years and years ago, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified by Dr. Strober at UCLA, Anorexia Nervosa AND Bulimia Nervosa by my current doctor, and either one of the other by my current psychiatrist. So yes...I have an eating disorder.
[Are you 'pro-eating disorder'] Ummmmmmmm I ummmmm don't ummmm really know ummm what exactly to say ummmmmm....I don't want anyone else to be caught up in their illnesses, yet I am holding onto mine.
[How long have you had an eating disorder] About 5 years
{What is your BMI} 16.0
[What is your current weight] :::::::::Cringes::::::::::::::: 102 pounds
[What do you want to weigh] 94 pounds
[Are you on any medication for your eating disorder or any other mental illness] I sure am...I'm on Lexapro (oh wait...I'm not exactly taking it so hehehe that doesn't really count), Ambien for helping me sleep, Ativan aka Lorazepam for my anxiety, and that's all of the pschological meds I'm taking right now...I'm on many more phsyical meds for the high level of destruction I've blessed myself with.
[Besides your ED, do you have any psychological problems] Generalized anxiety disorder.
[Have you ever been admitted Inpatient] *sigh* Twice at an eating disorders program at UCLA and four times at the medical hospital.
[Have you ever been in any other type of program for your ED] Nope...I couldn't do outpatient/day treatment at UCLA because I didn't live close enough.
[Do most people know about your eating disorder] online? Uh huh.
[Do you believe in "The God" 'Ana'] Definitely not. Ana is not a God and never will be....
[What are your biggest triggers] My home situation...my sister...school...my brother...my father's stae of depression/his illness...being criticized about eating too much...when I'm told that I look "healthy" on a particular day....
[Do you like having an ED] Do I like the comfort and safety it brings me that I can find nowhere else? Yes. Do I like the actual eating disorder itself? NO.
[Do you want to recover] Someday....I just don't feel ready right now. I know it's stupid but I can see myself going through some self-recovery stage when I'm living on my own, away from my mother in who knows how long, but until everything is left up to me and I no longer have to be weighed every week and "take medication" and pursue therapy with a lady I despise, I'm not going to get better. When all treatment stops, I'll miraculously start to feel better about myself and I'm pretty sure recovery will follow but until then....it is a major blow to your ego to have to see so many doctors and be hospitalized every few months....it only makes me feel worse about myself than I already do, not to mention cause me to obsess about my weight even more since I must be at a certain weight every Wednesday for weighday...Recovery is an option...just not now.
[Who are your biggest supports?(in recovery)] My online friends, definitely...Especially Ems and Kys and Alis. What would I ever do without SOED? Oh and Joel WAS helping me, too without realizing it...when he was still around of course.
[Who are your biggest supports?(pro-ed)] This guy in my resource class at school who also throw up constantly...
[What is your biggest fear-food-(a food that terrifies you and you refuse to eat, even if it has nothing to do with calorie/fat content)] Any fast food, pizza, bacon, SODA, chocolate, ice cream, chips, salad dressing, butter, MAYONNAISE...
[Do you have any safe-foods?(foods you are not afraid of)] Jelly beans, vegetables, Chex Mix
[Would you classify yourself as underweight, average, or overweight] Well I personally would classify myself as overweight but I know others would disagree (like my doctor) and say I'm underweight. UGH.
[Do you know what caused your eating disorder] I think it has something to do with my family situation and my genes from my dad's side of the family.
[Do you have any friends with eating disorders] Most of my online friends, that one guy at school, Kimberlee and Katie from UCLA...
[Have you ever or do you often pass out or blackout because of your lack of food or electrolyte imbalance] Yes. It's very sad actually and I feel guilty for putting myself at such a health risk.
[What size pants do you wear] 0-1
[Happy with the size] Umm NO.
[Honestly, even if you were the smallest size possible, (00, 0, 1), would you be happy with it] Smallest size possible? I don't honestly believe that that exists.
[Are you obsessed with numbers] Oh yeah.....I sure am! All day long while I'm sitting in class at school, I add up calories in my head and just the other day I figured out a quick way to mentally convert kilograms to pounds....(you take the number in kgs...let's say 44 for example.....you double it to 88, then divide 44 by five which is 8, remainder 4....so you add eight to 88 which equals 96, and then you take the remainder of four and multiply it by 0.2 to get 0.8....so the finaly answer is 96.8 pounds...yeah I hope that's right lol)
[Do you really believe that eating disorders are about the food, weight, size you wear] In some cases, yes.
[Are you in recovery] I like to pretend I am but in reality, no I'm not.

2002-10-22T17:58:00.000-07:00

I'm way exhausted. I have been working for the past three hours straight which my body is not used to! I baked cupcakes, cooked some pasta, washed dishes, swept , mopped, and dried the kitchen floor, and vacuumed the whole house. Wow. How tiring. Why did I do all of this, you ask? Because I stayed home from school today and my mom made me feel sooooo incredibly upset and bad about it....so basically the guilt drove me to do whatever was in my power to make her forget about it and appreciate me.

2002-10-21T17:36:00.000-07:00

Here are some of the things I learned today lol...some random stuff:
1) Copying off someone's paper doesn't always help you because a lot of times you can write down an answer wrong and end up screwing your grade...(poor guy who sits next to me during Econ....I felt really bad because he cheated off me during our last test and didn't quite get the sequence of A's, B's, C's, and D's right and as a result bombed the whole thing completely.....awwwwww he is so sweet, too!!)
2) Staunch means strong...Here is an example (I think lol):
"I am staunch in my faith."
3) Never down a whole bottle of ice-cold water on a freezing cold day two minutes before English...(let's just say that I was affected in two ways, one immediately and the other in the middle of class while everyone is in the middle of reading a story: I got super, super cold which made me shiver majorly and also caused my hands to shake violently..then a little while later I had to pee like a racehorse and it was not so fun to hold my bladder like that, but shy, passive, little Amy would never even think about disrupting the class by asking to go to the bathroom so I had to manage...LOL).
4) If you look in a big mirror long enough, it becomes harder to recognize the person you have turned into...(enough said)

Those were my little lessons of the day and I bet I just killed a thousand brain cells writing them out like that! Oops...oh well...it's all chill.
=0)

2002-10-20T21:24:00.001-07:00

Please don't worry about me. I don't deserve to be worried about. It makes me really sad to know that you are worrying about me. Yet at the same time, thanks so much for caring, because after all, you must care about me if you can worry about me.

2002-10-20T21:24:00.000-07:00

Today was a really boring day and all I did was eat, throw up, eat some more, throw up, ya da ya da. What great fun.
My daddy and I went out to dinner at the Good Earth Restaurant tonight and I managed to remain calm during the whole thing. I ordered a garden salad with no cheese whatsoever, french dressing on the side. It was all right. But I feel so guilty about throwing up all of the food that my father just kindly pays for. Man...that makes me cry because I love my daddy sooooo much and if he only knew that I throw up everything after we go out to eat, he would be so disappointed in me.
I'm not feeling so well right now because I'm really dehydrated and only getting even more so dehydrated.....my dehydration is really hurting me right now. My hands can't stop shaking and my skin is still insanely dry and red and ouchies for me....and my lips are a bluish sort of color....they have that whitish-blue appearance. It just doesn't make sense, though about why I'm still having all of these symptoms of dehydration when I've actually been drinking WAAAAAAAY more water than I usually do. I'm very confused about everything.
But even more so, (don't kill me for saying this) :I'm really scared.
I feel really alone right now with my eating disorder and just everything......
No one really understands just how freakin hard even waking up in the morning is for me. I wish I could just sleep all day long, but I know that I can't because I have to go to school and work really hard there so that I can be the perfect student, not to mention the perfect person.
But for now, I'm mainly worried about my health.....this dehydration crap can be dangerous. I guess I just have to try harder!
*sigh*
I DO try. No one finds that possible, but I really DO. Seriously......I'm trying to help myself and get myself in better shape so that I can feel good because as of now I DON'T feel good.
I am going to go watch some TV now. I love you tons!!!! Sorry if none of this makes any sense lol!!!

2002-10-20T11:51:00.000-07:00

Ugh. I just woke up and I sooooooo do not feel well.
*sigh*

2002-10-20T00:12:00.000-07:00

Okay it's midnight here now and I'm a little out of it but I want to make it a habit to write in my blog everyday, so here I am.
Today was quite interesting because all I did was sleep, eat, throw up, sleep, eat, watch TV, throw up, eat......yeah and you can get the idea. The weird thing was how sick I felt.....I mean, this morning I was just totally not doing well:
I woke up with my skin even drier than usual.....sooooooo dry that patches started to bleed and so I felt mega-self-conscious about it. Those dry patches hurt sooooooooooooooooooo much....it feels like my skin is burning and I can't stand it....major ouchies!!!
And then I was incredibly dizzy today, more so than usual, and so I had a couple falls after I would stand up and black out, that were not too much fun for me...
My heart was really irregular and my chest pains got pretty bad....my resting pulse rate was about 108 Bpm when it is usually like way too low....like in the 50s Bpm category.....kinda weird.
And then my tummy was hurting bigtime and it was ouchies!!!!!!!!

But yeah...that was me earlier....I'm feeling a little better now....my face is okay at this point in time but who knows how it will be tomorrow morning.....I'm not as dizzy as I was earlier.....
so no worries everyone.
I love you all soooo much and hope you are doing okay.
Hang in there sweeties!!! Mwahs!
=0)

2002-10-19T16:01:00.000-07:00

I'm fiiiiiiine. Don't worry.

2002-10-18T15:50:00.000-07:00

You know how you are occasionally channelsurfing and you come across some show with a lady or a guy on it who has Body Dysmorphic Disorder, talking about how he or she is so obsessed with the flaws of one part of his or her body that it basically takes over every thought and becomes all-consuming?!?!? Well after my experience at school today I would have to say that although I personally don't have BDD, I am pretty sure I now know what it feels like.
Right after I woke up this morning and put on my makeup in the mirror I felt totally preoccupied and focused on the latest flaw of my face....my incredibly DRY SKIN!!!! AHHHHHH...there are two very red, dry patches on my chin and a couple smaller ones on and around my nose and it was sooooo obvious and disgusting....I almost didn't go to school because of my hideousness but then I did because I remembered that it was Friday and Joel sometimes comes to visit on Fridays (and sure enough he came today...SUPER YAY!!) so I dealt with my self-consciousness. But dude....my face looks terrible and I feel beyond horrible about it....I thought my skin was bad this morning but OMG it got soooooo much worse throughout the school day and by lunch I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. During my last two periods I just covered my chin with my sweatshirt sleeve, as if I was like paranoid about inhaling contaminated air or something....it looked so dumb and only made my face even more red and inflamed since I was touching it so much. EWWWWWWWW my skin is soooo gross and peeling and red and I look awful and I'm really not exaggerating....I asked everyone all day long, over and over again, "Is it really obvious? Does it look really bad? Do I look totally gross?" and no one wanted to make me feel bad so they sorta just told me not to worry but I could tell by their reactions that it WAS obvious and only getting worse. A little obsessed are we? YES just a little!!!!
A word of the wise to my fellow eating disorder sufferers...DRINK WATER!!! For the love of God, PLEASE drink plenty of water because that way you will stay hydrated and your skin won't get as dry as mine....yep, it's so sad because I wouldn't look this terrible if only I had treated myself kindly and gotten enough fluids everyday (And NO..Diet soda does NOT count)...but now I'm so incredibly dehydrated from all of the puking I do on a regular basis and my face is suffering!! So please, please, PLEASE don't let this happen to you....not only does it look like shit but it burns like hell and so yeah...it's not a pleasant feeling. DRINK UP!
Okay, now that I got all of those feelings out I'll move onto the other little aspects of my day because it would have been really awesome if it hadn't been for my ugly, peeling, red, major ouchies face. As I vaguely mentioned before, Joel came to visit during third period and it was sooooo great seeing him!!!!! I showed him my story that I had written about him (or shall we say, about Julian...?) and he liked it a lot which made me feel waaaaaaaaaaay special and good about myself temporarily. Just being able to talk to him totally made my day!! :::::::::::big smile:::::::::::::::::: =0D
There was a pep rally between third and fourth period and silly little me who has no school spirit whatsoever, a huge fear of crowded places, and not to mention, some major social anxiety, was lucky enough to be blessed with Chaun's kindness....he actually let me stay in his class while it was going on!!! Yeah....quite shocking for me....but it is a good thing he did because to tell you the truth, if he had kicked me out of the classroom to go to the rally I would have freaked out bigtime and ended up just chilling over in the land of temptation (the bathroom) and puking my guts out as a result of the anxiety...but shhhh no one really needs to know that minor detail.
Hmmmm what else good happened today...???? Oh I know!!! We saw our grades in my english class and I have an A+...100%!!!!! Talk about being overjoyed!!! I try soooooooooooo freakin hard in that class and it thrills me beyond belief to see the affect my effort has on my grade!!! My teacher is soooooo sweet~!~
But yeah....those were some of the highlights of my day...now I'm off to go cook some food...I'm not exactly sure WHAT to cook yet but definitely something.....maybe a variety of pastas...that sounds like fun!!! Cooking is totally de-stressing for me....It will make me forget about my face for awhile....hehehehe!
Hope you had a terrific day!!
I wuv you!!!! =0)

2002-10-17T23:18:00.000-07:00

It's just about time for me to start thinking about going to bed because I'm sooo out of it right now from Ambien, my sleeping pill that I took an hour ago, right before I sat down to watch ER.
But I remembered that I didn't post about my day today so here are some of the boring, who-really-cares-details:
I did really well on an Economics Test...everyone copied off me because I had actually studied and no one else had lol....but I don't care because it gives me an opportunity to make friends!
I turned in my Julian story for my English class and so now I am pretty anxiety-free.
Ummm let's see.....what else??!?!?!?!
Oh yeah...I'm still not getting along at all with my mother because she just only cares about herself. The first thing she said to me today when she came home from work was, "Get out of the kitchen. I need to make my dinner and there isn't enough room for two of us to be in here." All I was doing was baking cookies but I had to suddenly leave them out in the open until my mom would let me come back in the kitchen. It's sad. And then she shuts me up all the time when I try to have a normal, mother-daughter conversation with her....I'll be like, "Mom I did really well on my econ test today" and she'll be like, "SHHHHHHHHH Amy..be quiet....I'm trying to hear the news..." or "I'm trying to read this magazine" or "I'm about to call my friends so can you leave me alone?" It's saddening for me. Oh well. I'm used to it.
I'm a little too out of it right now to even type anymore so i'm going to go now. I love you all sooo much. Stay strong and happy Friday!

2002-10-16T20:58:00.000-07:00

I am horribly depressed.
Not the usual minor sadness type of feeling but painfully, hopelessly miserable.
I am so stupid for feeling this way but really, my emotions are out of my control.
Allow me to explain:
My mother and I went out to dinner tonight and I was in such a cheerful, carefree mood because I don't have to be weighed again for a whole week and I got a really good progress report in the mail today.
Remind me never to spend "quality" time with mommy dearest ever again.
She has hurt me in so many ways and is pretty much oblivious to that fact.
Just the things she said crushed all of my hopes and dreams, leaving me in this state of utter despair. I was trying to make conversation so I talked about how I am very interested in learning about how the heart works and how to read an EKG, and that I would like to buy a book on that subject matter to gain more knowledge and she says:
"We don't have enough money to buy you books."
Well that was pretty rude and inaccurate considering she just recently bought herself six HARDBACK books to read for entertainment, and yet we suddenly don't have enough money to buy me one lousy educational book that probably costs no more than ten bucks. Interesting...
And then she brought up my future and I told her I really want to be a nurse or psychologist because both of those areas fascinate me...
"A psychologist??????" she said surprisingly. "There are tons of those in the world already today and they are not even needed."
I quickly changed the subject before she even had a chance to tell me what she thought about a career in nursing...
"I really want to get a job soon but I can't until someone teaches me how to drive, Mom. Can we please go down to the DMV and renew my permit sometime soon because that way I can start making money and saving up...I really want to move out after I'm 18 and it's possible because I think it'll really help my recovery being independent like that."
Well that was when major negativity from her drifted my way....she said that I'll never be able to move out because I will have to pay her 3,000 dollars for my car insurance and that I won't have enough money to pay for an apartment to live in....that I won't have enough time to be a student and make enough money at a part-time job to live apart from her...
It ruined all of my plans for the future and I felt incredibly upset and hopeless. But that wasn't even all of it....apparently there was more stuff to stab me in the heart with:
"I hope you don't think you are going to be able to become totally independent when you are 18 because I'll take you to court and get total control over you the second you get physically unhealthy."
First of all, she is assuming that being alone and away from the family dynamics would worsen my eating disorder, when in reality I'm positive it would make it MUCH better...and secondly, she is pretending that she is a competent enough parent to actually take care of me. Wow. What a complete lie. Right now I'm pretty much taking care of myself. She is NEVER home except at night sometimes when she is watching TV or on the phone endlessly with her friends and has no time whatsoever to even speak with me or congratulate me on a good grade on a test. I would rather die..literally...than have her become my legal caretaker when it comes to my health....she is so irresponsible, unreliable, and negligent that she would end up locking me away in an insane asylum for the rest of my tortured life because she wouldn't know what to do with me in my condition when the mere concept of a little family distance would benefit me more than anything. OMG....that scares me to death. No judge would believe me, the "crazy anoretic/bulimic girl who's been hospitalized six times in the matter of a year" if I were to mention that I don't feel my mother is a fit caretaker due to her own emotional unstability and incompetence. SHIT. I'm so screwed. I feel like there's no way to escape her. I'm so trapped.
But there's more......on a totally different conversation topic....I mentioned to her that I heard she was going on a pleasure trip to Las Vegas with her friends for a week in the middle of December, leaving me with my verbally-abusive brother and dying dad the whole time...I asked why she had not even had the courteous to tell me about her little vacation and how in the world I was to get to school in the morning while she was gone and who would take me to my weekly appointments like the doctor and therapist and maybe psychiatrist...????? She claimed she had told me long ago about the trip and that she sooooooo deserves a vacation...that I'm seventeen years old and can take care of myself (but wait Mom..earlier you implied that only YOU could take care of me since I'm helpless when it comes to taking care of myself?!?!?!?!)....
"But Mom.....you say we're so broke so how do we have enough money for you to go to Las Vegas for a week right in the middle of December when Christmas is shortly after that and you will be spending a little money buying things for it likes gifts and food??"
"Oh, well I don't think I'm going to do anything for Christmas this year. I'm sick of celebrating it. And you're right...we DON'T have the money."
That killed me right there. Have I ever mentioned that the one reason I'm NOT in an eating disorders inpatient program right now is because I really wanted to spend the holidays with my family at home this year.....that the one piece of hope and motivation in my heart was the fact that I was really looking forward to having a meaningful Christmas with love, peace, and happiness? Well it's true.....that was my one wish in the whole world......to have a nice Christmas and now I have no reason to waste my time being here at home when everyday is a living hell and my mother doesn't even want to make a traditional holiday special. Forgive me for trying to spare myself the pain of reality that my family is dysfunctional and selfish....that no one cares about each other....I never realized until now just how much I pretended that deep down my family was in some way okay.....that we could at least come together on special days and feign happiness and cheer. What a fucking LIE...
I suddenly feel like no one gives a shit about me and that I just need to let myself go completely so that others outside my unloving family will care about me and make me feel special. What's stopping me from losing ten pounds in the next week and never drinking again? NOTHING now. Absolutely NOTHING. Who cares if I get sent away inpatient? I sure don't anymore.....it'd be nice to get away from these uncaring members of my "family", even if it means I'm locked up at on an eating disorders unit. At least the nurses and doctors there CARE the hell about me....or pretend to anyway. Right now I'm officially screwed because no one gives a shit. NO ONE. All I want is someone to appreciate me...to say they care about me...to say how proud they are when I get an A on my Econ test...to hug me and tell it'll be okay...that they are always there for me. I need a new mother....a new father....a new family. At this point of time I have no one. I feel almost stupid for trying to see my doctors less frequently.....I suddenly appreciate being weighed every week because at least it means that my doctor is thinking about me and is worried about me....that she sorta kinda cares....From now on, I'm holding on to every relationship possible.....I need people to love me!!!!!!!
I miss Joel.....he would know what to do. He pretended to care for awhile but now he's gone. I really am alone. Sadness.
*sigh*

2002-10-16T17:21:00.000-07:00

Phew. It's over. My weigh-in has passed and I am no longer burdened with unnecessary anxieties. YAY!
The appointment went very well:
My weight was all the way up to 115 pounds ::::::::::::BIG GASPS::::::::::::::::::::::
Too bad twelve of those pounds were mere water/food weight....You wouldn't believe how much I ate during the hour before seeing the doctor....bagels, fat free cottage cheese, lowfat mashed potatoes, fruit, five (yes FIVE) cans of Vanilla Boost...and plenty of diet Cherry 7-UP to go with it all! OMG I thought my stomach was going to explode.....but I feel muuuuuuuuuuch better now, having gotten rid of all of that gross food and liquid weight in my tummy....EWWWWWW it was so nasty being that bloated and full. But oh well...I did it to myself so I can't complain. What matters is that I artificially boosted my weight up to an "acceptable" weight and that now I'm back to my own norm of around 106 pounds....it will sink back down a few pounds once a little more of the water weight is peed out so I'm not freaking just yet....
My doctor was so proud lol.....even though she totally knew I wasn't truly 115 pounds...but there was no way of her denying the truth of the number on her scale so she could do little but merely go along with it. Hehehe.
And because I knew she knew I had just gained massive weight for the appointment, I asked her a nice little question to which she found no adequate reply:
"Do you think it is healthier to stay at a weight of about 102 pounds for six out of seven days of the week and then suddenly gain twleve pounds to reach at least 114 on the day left, or to simply maintain a mean weight of 108 pounds for all seven days? I believe number two is the best answer."
She totally did not know what to say except that she agreed with me and would talk to my other doctors about the possibility of modifying my target weight....
"Ummm well okay.....that obviously means no but whatever," I bluntly stated.
Still..it was interesting being a smartass like that....oh and then I also asked many questions about where the ideal weight of 114 came from:
"What's so great about 114 anyway?"
"Well Amy, it's based on a healthy body mass index," she replied.
"But how does that work out? What's wrong with 113 or 112 or 111 or even 110? And how were you even able to figure it out? I mean, no one ever took my height or anything and plus, I'm only seventeen and I know for a fact that you have to be at least eighteen for a body mass index to even be applicable...and was the size of my frame considered? What about that? I have a small frame, you know so I hope that was factored in..."
"I ummm don't really know...I wasn't the one who calculated it but..." she began to get nervous.
"But then it should be changed since YOU are my official medical doctor and deal with this type of stuff..."

I'm so obnoxious......I feel pretty guilty for asking so many questions and being so critical like that but I couldn't help it....I'm just so bad!!! *evil grin*

Good news of the day: I got 100% on yesterday's Econ quiz and a 96% on the one before that....so I'm guessing my grade is really up there in that class, even inspite of my excessive absences! YES! And tomorrow we are having a big test with Chapters 1-6 on it, so I'm off to study for that now so that I can do well and continue trying my hardest to be the "perfect" student.
Oh yeah...speaking of perfect, have I mentioned just how much of a perfectionist I am? Well it's oh-so-true.....AND a major overachiever...it's really difficult listening to that "not good enough" voice in my head that makes me rewrite my notes, taking hours at a time because they weren't neat enough to me and because I'm afraid the teacher will hate me if my work is not above and beyond what the expectations were. So yeah....I'm sure many of you understand this obsessiveness so just know that you are not alone!!!
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs for all)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

2002-10-15T20:26:00.000-07:00

I can't explain this feeling I have inside right now but I CAN say that I love it. I feel so mellow and calm, with no anxieties pulling me down. Thank you ATIVAN for saving the day! Yep...I have to be weighed tomorrow but whatever. I have to gain ten pounds but who cares. I'm dealing with it and that's what matters. So no worries. I'm completed kickback and relaxed thanks to my anti-anxiety medication. Bless its sweet effects.
And tomorrow is a minimum day at school so I'll be home by 12:30 and will actually be able to eat a real lunch. Yay!
I am going to go eat a piece of my Trader Joe's low-fat, vegetable pizza now so sweet dreams everyone. You are all in my heart!
I love you.
=0)

2002-10-15T11:52:00.000-07:00

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::sobs::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
I'm so out of breath from crying that I can barely type but I just need to get this shit out.
The meeting with the doctors was cancelled today.
That stressed me out because I felt ready for it and now I'm only going to have to relive that nervousness again when the meeting is rescheduled.
I don't feel well because my nose is all stuffy and I have a sinus headache, so I called my mom at work and asked her to excuse me from fourth, fifth, and sixth period so that I could go home. She could not pick me up from school though so I had to call my dad and ask him to....he said yes and I thought nothing of it.
But now...OMG!!!!!!!!
I just got home.
I'm so scared. Please help me.
My dad screamed at me while he was driving me back to my house....he spoke in that LOUD, MEAN voice..the one my mother hated so much that she decided to get a divorce to get away from the yelling.
He made me feel like pure shit.
He says I'm not trying.
He says I have no friends.
He says I don't care about anyone.
He says that I hate anyone who challenges me.
He says I'm full of bullshit.
::::::::::::::::::::::::cries:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
How could I be so mean to me? I'm his daughter for godsake!
Because I was so hurt and started crying right then and there, I told him to please stop talking, that I didn't want to hear his comments and/or suggestions to which he replied:
"Too bad. I'm your parent."
And then I said what I guess was the killer statement, "Hardly anymore. Mom is the one with control over me."
Well suddenly he slammed his foot on the accelerator and we were racing down the street so fast that I thought I was going to die. It occurred to me that my father could probably justify in his head killing himself and me by crashing into a house or tree because he is going to die anyway from his disease and I'm just a low-life scum of the earth crazy person so that could make it okay.......believe me, just that thought freaked me out. It is one thing if he wants to take his own life but another if he wants to rob me of MINE. I don't want to die right now thankyouverymuch and neither should he. I have never been so scared in my entire life than I was when we almost rammed into this brown fence on a corner house, the car going at a way-too-fast speed. We would have but then my father slowed down a tiny bit, made this huge quick turn and we missed it. BARELY. Then he proceeded to speed on up again and scare me even more. I don't know why he was doing that. Maybe to get out his anger or to just freak me out? Or maybe it was to show me that HE is in charge of me and that I NEED to listen to his every word. All I know for sure is that I NEVER want to see him again because I'm deathly afraid.....I have never seen such an incredibly temper in my whole freakin life.
Hopefully things will be okay because I just took not one but TWO Ativans...two because this feeling in the pit of my stomach is major and I'm bursting with anxieties.
May God have mercy on my soul...

2002-10-14T22:15:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a ton today about what would help me recover the most and this is what I have come up with:
If I did not have to be weighed so often and was not always judged by my doctors based on whether or not I meet their miracle number on the scale, I would actually be ten thousand times less anxious and as a result, I would be able to actually have a life and focus on things other than my eating disorder all the time. I mean, I could still be weighed every week if totally necessary but if that goal weight can be lifted off my chest then I'd feel sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much better and wouldn't be freaking out for more than half the week about my next weigh-in...the more I think about how I need to reach 114 by a certain day, I realize just how impossible it is for me to physically gain real weight by then and so it depresses me so much that I end up either restricting or purging food and ultimately I lose weight, which is the exact opposite of the goal. It is so confusing but I honestly feel that if my target weight was tossed aside and I went for regularly weigh-ins just how I am...like for example today I'm 102...then my health would improve because I wouldn't be eating and drinking excessive amounts of fluids and food to artificially boost my weight up to 114....I know that 102 is way too low to be okay with the doctor but if the focus was taken off of weight and placed more on my health then I'm sure she would find that I'd gain a few pounds probably up to 106-110 pounds and then it would level off and I'd maintain. Maintaining a weight of 108 pounds is much better for my health and emotional wellbeing than having HUGE fluctuations where I go from 102 to 114 in a matter of a day.....No one understands that 114 is just too high for my body. I have a very small frame and I believe that my natural, predetermined weight is around 106-108 pounds, so when my weight surpasses that range, I feel incredibly obese and fat and it is not something that I'm used to......I'm used to maintaing a weight of around 103-105 pounds....I did it for many years....and my health was perfectly fine. It seriously was..lab values all normal and EKG normal....but now I'd even be willing to gain a bit and maintain at 106-110 pounds.....so why can't the doctors see all of this from MY point of view? I don't get it but as of now I'm feeling as if MY little voice has absolutely no meaning or state of importance in MY treatment plan.
*sigh*

2002-10-14T21:09:00.000-07:00

I cried a lot today...just about all of the stress in my life.
*I'm freaked about that huge meeting tomorrow with all of my professionals....I swear to God if the doctors even think about raising my goal weight then I'm going to die. ARRRG.
*I'm jumping out of my skin anxious about my weighin on Wednesday because I am going to have to gain about 12 pounds in one day and I have never had such a challenge before.
*I'm NOT feeling physically okay right now. I don't even want to go into much more detail than that because it depresses certain people who are under the impression that I'm dying....I'm really not. It's more like a sick feeling rather than an I'm-dying one...my heart would be fine if I wasn't so stressed out about my freakin weight all the time and how I have to gain so much in so little time!!!!!

I wish I had a magic wand to make all of the worries of the world fly away forever so that everyone, myself included, can experience real happiness and joy. But since I DON'T have that option, I'm just going to go back to my anxious feelings now thankyouverymuch.
:::::::::::::::::::::grabs Ambien:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

2002-10-13T22:10:00.000-07:00

Today was uneventful and dull...
All I did was sleep, eat and throw up, and sleep some more. What fun. Oh yeah....and I can't forget my lovely allergy attack that I'm still recovering from right now...I went out to dinner again with my dad to Good Earth and I guess the tofu that I substituted for cheese on my salad didn't go so well with my body because right after he dropped me off, my palms got all red and itchy, and then my nose started getting stuffy, and then I felt like there was a big lump in my throat and I could barely breathe.....and omg it was so horrible and I thought I was going to have to go to the ER but the Clarinex and Benadryl I took seems to be working because my airway is open again and my skin color is returning to pale white, rather than before when I looked like a sunburned crab! And what pisses me off the most is that right after I told my mom that I was having an allergy attack and could barely breathe, she simply told me to lie down and went immediately on the treadmill. Great. Nice to know she's having fun trying to lose weight on the loud treadmill while I'm dying from lack of oxygen to my brain in the other room. Whatever. I'm over it.
Another health situation I've been struggling with today is extreme DIZZINESS. OMG it is sooooo freakin horrible...everytime I stand up I practically fall to the floor because all of the blood is rushing out of my head and I can't see anything but pure blackness, so I sort of feel around blindly for a wall or something to lean on but if there isn't one in arm's length then I'm falling...falling...fallling...down down down. I almost always feel some sort of dizziness or orthostatic hypotension like this on a day to day basis but today it was just horrible and now I'm a little afraid. When I was puking today I thought I felt the familiar tingling in my legs that I hate so much and so take that and add it to my sudden increase in dizziness and uh oh I might just be a little hypokalemic (low potassium) again. Good God I hope not. Oh well if I am though because my blood levels will at least be fine on Wednesday when I get weighed, after I eat all of that food and drink massive amounts of water to artificially boost the number on the scale.
On a totally different note: I'm freaked out about tomorrow because I'm absolutely terrified that something bad is going to happen with my english class and that the teacher (who I really do like a lot by the way) will tell me that I have to present my story on Tuesday!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH....I'm such a moron for worrying about the same thing everyday like I have been with this english situation but public speaking KILLS ME.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::screams::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRG

2002-10-12T21:24:00.000-07:00

I am so pathetic. Today I threw up three times and that's only so far...I'm guessing there will be another two times thrown in somewhere tonight.
*sigh*
104
You'd think I'd be happy by now but no. I'm not. I'm as miserable as ever, as stressed out as ever, as anxious as ever, and as scared as ever.
::::::::::swallows two Ativans::::::::::::::::
There is a major meeting I am being forced to attend with my mother and father on Tuesday during lunchtime where all of the people who have been working with me will come together and discuss my treatment plan. UGH. Do you know how scary that is going to be for me? I mean, me...little miss passive...with a whole team of professional authority figures such as my psychiatrist, my therapist, and my medical doctor! YIKES! I'm officially freaked out about the whole thing. And what if they think I'm too "thin" when I go?!?!?!? Crap...my therapist has this nasty habit of blurting out things when she sees me like, "You look like you're dying" and "You look like a survivor of the Holocaust." I can just see her saying something like that and then all of the doctors looking at me with that evil look in their eyes and deciding that I need to pack on all of this weight and that they are changing my goal weight to like 120 or 125 from 114 pounds...OMG I hate this worry!!!! What's the big deal with weight anyway??? ARG
Speaking of worrying, I'm already having an anxiety attack about Wednesday's weigh-in. Shit. I'm going to need to "gain" like at least ten pounds and it hurts my body, especially my heart, when I pack on all of that fake weight so quickly....Man oh man....I always get myself in these horrible situations and it only kills me a little more each week...shortening my life significantly. I'm such a fool.
And uuuuuuuugh....
I just remembered...I still don't know what I'm going to do about my english presentation this week! Chaun told me that he called my teacher on Friday and told her I was incredibly nervous about getting in front of the class, asking if there was any way of modifying the assignment for me so that I wouldn't have to get so freaked out. I wonder if she got the message???? I mean, she didn't say anything to me when I saw her sixth period Friday so oh no, what if she like has no clue that I'm about ready to have a heart attack from all of the anxiety of this project and she makes me present anyway! FUCK!! Why am I such an idiot? I wish I were assertive enough to freakin tell my teacher myself that I am having issues with it...but no, just the thought of approaching her like that terrifies me to the point where my heart beats even more irregularly than it already does and I get sudden chest pains. I don't know what to do anymore.
On a whole other note, my dad and I went out to dinner tonight. I ordered an Oriental Chicken Salad with "no chicken please, and dressing on the SIDE." Hehehehe..that's always what I get everytime we go out...I'm so predictable. But anyway, I had a fairly good time listening to my dad's long list of complaints and crisis' and I was actually able to offer some good medical and nutritional advice about what foods he should eat that will be less likely to choke him and what to do when the time comes when he has to rely solely on his PEG feeding tube for calories and suddenly has to increase his feedings through it. All of that sounds depressing but I loved seeing my daddy's face light up when he saw that I understood what he was saying and actually listened to him. After all, giving support is what I do best and it makes me happy so oh well if my dad is negative all the time because it just gives me more opportunities to bring joy into his life with positivity.
While still on the note of my family...I'd like to announce that I strongly dislike my brother. He is such a jerk and screams his head off at me for eating certain foods that were apparently only for HIM...God...talk about never wanting to eat again.
::::::::bows down to King Bryan::::::::::::::::::
"Don't worry, master. I promise I won't touch the cottage cheese or the turkey or the lettuce or the carrots or the bread or the bagels or the Chex Mix or the bananas or anything else that is sacred to you. I'm so sorry and will never do it again. Just don't sentence me to death. PLEASE."
:::::::::::::::::::::cries::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

2002-10-11T16:00:00.000-07:00

Guess what???????????????????????
Joel came and visited everyone at school today so I got to talk to him!!! YAY! How awesome is that?!?! It turned my frown upside-down!!! =0)
Hmmm what else happened today?
I made a fool out of myself in choir because little did I know that today everyone had to go up to the front of the class in pairs and sing this song we've been practicing, for a grade....let's just say that I have had a few too many absences in that class and as a result I am totally behind in my knowledge of the music everyone has been working on....so I ended up singing in front of the class with this other girl who OMG could NOT sing and I barely knew the song or the words or anything. It was awful and embarrassing...I felt like crying afterwards but whatever...seeing Joel cleared up those sad thoughts.
In economics today I became suddenly popular LOL because this girl sitting next to me discovered an answer book on the shelves right behind our desks, and so we opened it up and saw that all of the tests we have done and are going to be doing were in there with ALL of the answers...I was soooo excited because I've been working my butt off to get A's on tests in that class and now I can study like I always do, but have a guaranteed 100 percent score on the tests. So as you can imagine, I wrote down all of the answers really quickly with the guy sitting in front of me reading them off quietly, for chapters six, seven, eight, and nine...Then my friend and I asked to go to the library and we made copies of the answer sheets to hand out to the whole class so that everyone can get an A+ on the next test! So as of now, at least half the class has a copy of the answers and we are all soooo excited about it lol. Okay....so we are cheaters, yes that's true but hey...I have been working hard and will continue to work hard in economics just now I feel more at ease because I know that I'll do perfectly on the tests. Hehehe....and everyone likes me in that class now, too. =0)
All in all, it has been an interesting day so far.

2002-10-10T21:40:00.000-07:00

I am preparing myself for an emotional breakdown.
I have not cried since Monday and I really need to because I feel so numb and dazed...like I'm in my own little world. Tears could bring me back to reality so I'm hoping to be able to release my feelings through them soon. I have felt like breaking down and bawling my eyes out so many times these past few days but it never happened because I'm suddenly afraid of acting emotionally unstable in front of others who might put me down for crying. I do NOT like crying at school. Nothing sucks more than that. UGH. But yeah...sometime soon...maybe tomorrow, the next day, or the day after that, I'm going to just breakdown and not be able to control the flood of tears...
I've been so incredibly stressed out lately because of my english class. Writing a reasonably acceptable story of perfection was stressful enough for me, but then top that off with the fact that I have to present it to the class next week KILLS me. I CAN'T do it. It's as simply as that. I just can't. I remember this time last year when I was overwhelmed by all of these future presentations I was going to have to do...a current event for AP US History, a critical essay analysis for American Lit G/T, and more! I did not end up following through with any of those presentations because hmmm let's see...I was in the hospital when they were supposed to take place and so it was impossible for me to do them. I think back now and realize that perhaps I decided to go inpatient then because school stressed me out so badly and I wanted to escape the pressure...It's impossible for me to even explain why, but I canNOT stand up in front of the class and talk like a normal, average student. I go through a period of extreme nervousness where I can barely breathe because my heart is beating so quickly and erratically...it's like a major panic attack and I don't know what the heck I'm going to do about this when it's my turn to present next week. I should probably talk to my english teacher about my severe public speaking issue but I'm way too scared and passive to go up to her and like spill my guts about my anxiety. She will think I'm a total idiot and that I just want to slack off and not have to present my story in front of everyone because I'm an indolent fool. Man...I wish I was smarter and more assertive so that I could figure out how to fix this problem! The anxiety is seriously dragging me down into a major hole of depression...all I do these days is sleep, go to school and work my ass off being "perfect" in my academic studies, go home and do more schoolwork, eat, and throw up. What a great life, huh? Riiiiiiiiiiight.

2002-10-09T20:01:00.000-07:00

I've been doing remarkably well with "trying" to take care of myself more these days which is a seemingly good thing. Breakfast actually has a meaning now and I have been waking up a few minutes earlier in the morning to eat a little something like a bran muffin or a cup of fat free cottage cheese before I go off to school. The sad thing is that food only makes me feel sicker and after eating anything my body gets incredibly tired and weak, along with intensely cold. It's very odd and I don't like it one bit, yet I eat breakfast anyway because I have to trust it is doing me more good than bad...PLUS by eating in the morning, it causes my metabolism to get a quick jump start and I don't even end up gaining weight at all (I actually still lose around a pound a day), so that's definitely more of an incentive to keep the food down.
As I mentioned yesterday my heart has not been doing so well and I didn't even acknowledge the fact that something might..okay more like IS...wrong with it, until today. Sure my last EKG was terrible but I was feeling okay....I'm totally not anymore. This morning my heart was really irregular and it through my whole breathing pattern off...that was not good at all...And then when I got home from school I started getting REALLY bad chest pains, worse than I've ever felt before and it freaked me out so much that I sort of panicked while I was throwing up becauuse I was so afraid of dropping dead from a heart attack. Luckily I made it through my purge and am feeling a bit better now.
School is stressing me out majorly lately because I have this Character Sketch due Friday for my Modern Short Story class and I don't even know why but it terrifies me. Oh wait...I know why!! Hmmm could it be because next week everyone has to present their projects to the whole class?!?! Yeah...that's most definitely why I'm freaking out about it. I HATE PRESENTATIONS!!
*sigh*
After much thought, I decided to do my character sketch on a "fictional" character named Julian who just happens to be a 28-year-old, very good-looking guy who loves to surf. Yeah yeah...it's really Joel who I'm talking about, but I don't want anyone else to know that so I changed the name to Julian...LOL. I didn't know who else to do, okay so don't be thinking I'm all obsessed with Joel when I'm not! I'm just "attached." Extremely attached thankyouverymuch.
Anyway...I'm off to catch up on my special girlies (you know who you are, or at least you should!) by reading everyone's blog, so I'll check in later.
Much love!

2002-10-08T17:55:00.000-07:00

Oh man....I just got back from my doctor's appointment and well, it was very interesting:
My weight was perfectly fine and I reached 113 pounds no problem after my excessive water intake and because I actually ate today. Yep...that's right: I ATE!
I had a plain bagel for breakfast, one cup of fat free cottage cheese + one cup of square melon pieces + one can of Boost for lunch, and then a bran muffin + one heck of a lot of water right after school before my weigh-in.
It was a job well done and I must say, I do good work. LOL....okay maybe not but still...I derive a feeling of satisfaction from being able to pump up my weight anywhere from 7-9 pounds in a matter of one day. It's sad...VERY sad and I understand that but it doesn't stop me from doing it again the following week....
*sigh*
So then the doctor came in and listened to my heart which *suprise surprise* was NOT so great. She even commented on it again this week:
"Wow...your heart is really irregular today. Can you feel it?"
I was like, "Um no!!! Of course not because I'm fine really and I feel GREAT! It's probably just a little Sinus Arrhythmia. No big deal."
As you can imagine, she was not reassured by my countless deceiving words describing my fabulous health and so I had to have the usual tests done on me:
*Three viles of blood were drawn....One to check my electrolytes (basic metabolic panel), one to check my red blood cells and lovely junk like that to make sure I am not anemic (CBC), and one to check my magnesium level. Fun fun fun...but hey it only took two times for the nurse to actually get a reasonably good vein! YAY!
*A perfectly divine shot of Vitamin B12 was administered into my shoulder that left me in a state of pure joy! Hmmmmmmm okay not exactly...more like pure PAIN. Ouchies!!! =0( But I guess it's good in the long run because it will make me more energetic.
And last but not least:
*I had my regular EKG done and it was not pleasant. It took literally twenty minutes after being connected to those annoying wires and sticky things on my chest, arms, and legs, for the machine to actually get a realistic reading and my oh my the results were not too pleasing. The nurse performed my EKG so my doctor has not been blessed with the chance to look at it and let's just say that when she does, I'm going to be in some serious trouble. Apparently my heart is in bad shape. I honestly don't feel THAT bad though...I mean, yeah I've been getting some peculiar chest pains lately but they really aren't that disturbing and I feel pretty much okay so I don't see how my heart can be so screwed up right now.
I don't know what this all means but from what I remember, my EKG said the following on the top:
~Sinus Arrhythmia (This one I actually know because I've had it before and looked it up in the past and it is basically when your pulse speeds up as you breathe out and slows down as you breathe in...I don't think it's that big of a deal at all so no worries.)
~Short PR Interval
~Some sort of Q wave abnormality (I can't remember what the specifics were)
~Abnormal Ventricular Contractions (And there was a little more it but I can't remember the last part of it)
Hmmmmm now isn't this just GREAT? Gosh darnit....the nurse was like, "Now look at this, Amy. I don't remember your EKG being this bad last time."
ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
NOT good...The sad part is that nothing is different now than last week when I went other than the fact that I actually had some food in me! So clearly, FOOD+AMY=FUCKED-UP HEART
:::::::::::::::::::::::Hits self in head:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

2002-10-07T18:17:00.000-07:00

Emotions I'm feeling right now:
*Incredibly nervous about tomorrow's weigh-in....UGH it has not even been a whole week since I last went....WAH WAH...I'll worry about gaining the seven-eight pounds I need to gain in order to meet my target of 113 pounds for the doctor tomorrow*
*Annoyed because Chaun (my resource teacher with whom I have three periods during the school day) was being a total dumbass to all of the students...apparently he is still very upset about Lacey almost dying on Friday and is taking it out on the rest of us! UGH...what a jerk! And this morning he decided to tell the whole class about her overdose which made me totally upset because it is no one else's business and she should have the option of telling her peers or not when she comes back to school (she is still in the ICU but hopefully will be released sometime tomorrow...she is also suspended from school for a week) and I started crying because I still feel like it's my fault she almost died...and what did Chaun say to me? "Amy stop crying. We don't have time for this now." *sigh*
*Pissed off about the comments two stupid girls made on Kylie's blog entry from yesterday. I DESPISE stupid people!!!

2002-10-06T20:43:00.000-07:00

I feel sooooo guilty...
I didn't realize until today just how much money my mom must spend on going to the grocery store twice a week following my numerous complaints of being out of a particular item.
Today I'm lacking in my Artic Chill gum that I chew excessively every second of the day, yes sometimes even while I'm sleeping.
It's so pathetic because I think, oh well since she is going there already, I might as well add on some other things to the list that we are out of it such as:
Fat free cottage cheese--pineapple, chives, and plain kind
Celery
Carrots
Cucumbers
Tomatoes
Ready-made Salad
Mixed fruit
Bagels
Lite Cream cheese--strawberry and plain
Chex Mix (this is a HUGE one...don't ask me why but I eat Chex Mix constantly)
Jolly Rancher Jelly Beans ( I tend to consume a whole bag or half a bag before bed some nights because my body is so malnourished. I actually don't have a hard time at all keeping fat-free candy down because it's like basically sugar...pretty interesting)
And my favorite binge/purge candy:
Hershey Kisses

How sad is this? My mom has to buy all of these things several times a week because I eat them all up during my ravenous hunger stages and that would be perfectly fine if I didn't ALWAYS throw everything up. UGH.
I should just call a plumber and have him empty out the pipes of all of my years worth of vomit and force myself to eat THAT....yeah that's incredibly disgusting....sorry for mentioning it LOL!
But dude...I am going to try and set a limit on myself:
I'm only going to puke TWICE a day now and no more.
I hope I can do it...I just cannot stand spending up all of my parent's money like this all the time anymore. It NEEDS to stop. And NOW.
So there.
It's stopped.
Or more like, CUT-DOWN.
Only two times a day...if less then that's awesome but a maximum of two times a day...No more. Nope....just twice...
Okay...let's be honest here. It makes me cringe to think about cutting down my puking times that much right now...I'd say that I currently purge an average of five-six times a day so going from that to only twice a day is some major cutting back....But oh well. I'm going to shoot for it anyway.
"I believe in myself...I believe in myself. I can do this. I have faith in myself..."
Riiiiiiight, but I'll still try no matter what.

2002-10-06T00:58:00.000-07:00

I can't really pinpoint why exactly I'm feeling this way but as of now, I'm remarkably hopeless.
Let me describe the scene:
I was watching ER while subconsciously stuffing my face full of BURNT (wah wah) vanilla cake....the kind with the mixed in rainbow sprinkles, with globs of rainbow chip frosting smeared on top and the next thing I know the idea, no more like the FACT, that I'm incredibly UGLY pops into my head and I cannot rid myself of the thought. It tortures me, teases me with every glance in the mirror, becoming one with my soul while simultaneously obliterating my heart of every ounce of dying hope. As the blood of demons courses through my shrunken veins, I realize how completely and utterly lost in a secret world of intense self-hate I am and that I am all alone with myself. I have been going to all measures to avoid confronting this extreme hate, but it appears as if it has caught up with me...Now I have but one decision to make: Whether I should fight this feeling or let it consume my thoughts and define me as an individual. Obviously I should stick with the first option, but I am clueless as to if I am even strong enough to fight anymore...I'm exhausted. REALLY exhausted. I no longer know what to do with myself, how to handle my eating disorder, if I will ever experience some sense of satisfaction with the way I look. I've sunken to a new level of depression and it is confusing to me. I'm not "hanging in there" as I often say I am....I thought I was but now it is so clear that I'm falling and falling and falling into the blackness. I'm really scared. I don't want to die. I don't want to give up. I don't want to let Ana and Mia kill all that is left of the "real" me. Yet at the same time, I feel helplessly drained of energy with no sign of the inner strength I wish I had to pick me up off the ground. What can I do besides let myself go? Who knows...I sure as hell don't.
Although I'm beyond miserable at this moment, I feel this inclination to keep fighting...to search for some mysterious ladder at the bottom of the dark hole I've fallen into, to climb up slowly and seek out the light. Thank God for still having an infinitesimal, glass piece of hope in my heart...It's almost to the point of shattering but for some reason has failed to do so yet.
Hmmm....
I wonder why.
No..I know the answer...I know perfectly well why I can see a small crack of light in the midst of this overwhelming darkness...
One word:
Jesus.

"He has given me hope to carry on..."

2002-10-05T11:32:00.000-07:00

I miss Joel...
I have not really mentioned him for awhile but now I sincerely miss him and wish I could just like talk to him every once in awhile, you know? He is/WAS the only one I could trust enough to be perfectly honest and open with. Now there's no one.
Anyway...
I failed to mention the good points of yesterday:
I got an 96% on my Economics Test which is really good considering I have been absent soooooooo many times for that class lately...And everyone else had gotten really poor grades, except for the guy sitting right next to me, because I collaborated with him during the test lol...And when I turned the test into my teacher, Coach Sherman, he was like: "AMY...you are really getting on up there like old times (I had him in 10th grade for world history and he thought I was brilliant because ::::::::gasps::::::::: I actually did my classwork and studied for tests!!), always giving 110%..." It made me feel really good and appreciated so that was positive for me.
Also, during third period, I got a call from this lady named Janine at the Career Center at our school and so I went on down to see what she wanted and it turns out she wanted to talk to me about college and community service and jobs....I was actually pretty relieved to meet her because it seems like she is really going to help me out this year with my future goals. YAY! So that was cool, too.
And then in my sixth period Modern Short Story class, my teacher sat down by me during independent reading and started asking me how I was doing and if I was okay....it was really sweet of her to care so much about me like that...I ended up talking to her for like ten-fifteen minutes just about my eating disorder and she was sooooooo nice! Gosh I am sooooooooo lucky to have her as my teacher!!!
Those were the highlights of yesterday at school....
Here is a highlight for the week I guess you could say:
Those Vitamin B12 shots I've been getting in my ass and/or arm every week at the doctor's office are really starting to make me feel tons better. I am soooooooooooo less dizzy and fatigued than I used to be a mere month ago and it makes me a lot happier to have more energy. Sure, I hate shots and needles and all that crap but dude....this shot is worth the pain!!! =0)
Okay...I don't want anyone to worry about me anymore because as you can see now, I'm not doing too terribly....it just might seem like I am at times because usually when I write in my blog I'm having some sort of crisis from school or something, but in reality, I'm hanging in there.
I can see the light and the end of the tunnel.
Can you?

2002-10-04T21:03:00.000-07:00

testing-{kylie's blogger builds}

2002-10-04T19:01:00.000-07:00

I feel really bad because I'm basically ignoring everyone from SOED and GoBI today but
you see, I'm just sooooooo emotionally unstable right now. I have one Ativan in me from earlier
so I'm a little bit disoriented and I am just so incredibly upset about the whole Lacey
situation. I cannot stop worrying about her!!! The little nagging worry voice keeps popping into
my head and consuming my every thought so that all I can think about is how terrible of a friend
I am and how sad Lacey must feel...it kills me knowing that she is in so much pain. I
cannot even explain why, but it just tears me apart knowing that this sweet fifteen-year-old
girl got so depressed that she ODed and is now fighting for her life in the ICU as a result of the drugs.
I just want her to go home and attend school everyday like a normal teenager, but to be shielded
from all of the evils and temptations of this world.
I wish with all of my heart that I could keep Lacey safe but I know that I can't and it makes me
feel utterly helpless and undeserving of her friendship. This is just so tough for me.
*Sigh*

2002-10-04T18:42:00.000-07:00

::::::::::::::::::sobs:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Lacey is in the hospital right now! She just called me! She is on the Pediatrics Intensive Care
Unit because the ER doctors said she almost died! They pumped her stomach and hooked her up
to all of these machines like a heart monitor and an IV pole (hmmm I know what that's like oh-so-well) and she is so miserable. She has no idea how long she is going to be there for and she is still
coming down off of her Oxycotton trip so she was pretty out of it when I was talking to her.
I just feel sooooooooo unbelievably horrible about all of this. Like maybe Lacey would not have
been so close to death if I had freakin told someone sooner like hmmmmmm perhaps right
after she took all those pills....this is all my fault and it makes me cry and cry and cry.
And what makes this all worse is that Lacey has no other friends besides me and I can't drive
so I have no way of even visiting her and I don't know if I even will have a way while she is in there.
I am such a horrible friend, not to mention a rotten person in general.
I am so sorry, Lacey for not helping you more....I'm so sorry...
::::::::::::::::::::::::::cries::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Please forgive me....

2002-10-04T15:23:00.000-07:00

It has been SUCH a long day at school for me...
*sigh*
Lacey is doing so terribly...it was her first day back at school today after having been absent all week
and when I asked why she had been gone and if she was okay, I got many bad responses that upset
me to hear...
"My mom and I have been getting into brawls lately where I hit her and she hits me"
"I'm back into hardcore drugs again"
And then the worst of all:
"I just took ten Oxycottons (sp?)"
OMG....I was so worried and did not know what to do because my good friend was getting
abused by her mother, was into major drugs, and had just ODed on painkillers! Talk about me
freaking out! Well that occured second period (she simply took the pills in the middle of class) and by
the end of class, Lacey was NOT looking so good. But I had to go to my third period class which is
not with her and so as scared as I was for her, I had sworn secrecy about her problems and did not
want to break that trust, so I casually mentioned to the teacher that I thought Lacey should go see
the nurse and left. So a couple periods passed and I was sitting outside of my resource class
during lunch, talking to this guy, David who I've been trying to befriend lately...
All of a sudden one of the teacher aides walks out of the class and says I have a phone call...
Well I thought that was very odd considering it was lunchtime but I walked inside anyway and
it was Mrs. Hughes, the assistant principal wanting me to come down and talk to Lacey because
she had been asking for me. So then I go down to the office, see Lacey crying, and try my hardest
to comfort her. One problem...she was not making much sense and her eyes kept fluttering.
I was afraid she was going to pass out and it was sooooooo incredibly scary for me. I just kept
hitting her arm every few minutes while I was talking to her and telling her it would be okay, but
she did not seem to be doing well at all...so after about fifteen mintues of talking with Lacey,
the lady came back in and I was issued off back to class in the middle of fifth period. Right as
I got to my class, my resource teacher, Chaun was leaving to go see Lacey and find out
what in the world was going on....I felt semi-better knowing that these adults were taking care
of the situation and would never let her die as long as she was in their presence.
So a half hour later chaun comes back and wants to talk to me about what's up with Lacey...
I ask if she is all right and of course, she isn't.
"Her pulse is 130 and she cannot keep her eyes open," he tells me angrily.
And so I spill my guts and tell him everything...about the drugs, her Oding, the abuse, even about
how I think she needs to be rushed off to the emergency room right away and have her stomach
pumped. I beg and plead with him to "for the love of God...DON'T tell her I told you!!!" and he agrees...
It was so weird because he actually seemed to have respect for me which was new and unusual
and I told him "good luck" before he went off to tell the administrators what I had told him, and he
turned to me, said he appreciated all of the help, and gave me a tight hug. It was so odd lol...
I'm still confused over it but whatever. God...I hope Lacey is okay.
I'm SO worried...
I feel so guilty about betraying her like that and now if she gets sent to a treatment center it will
be all my fault....but then again, if her life is saved it could be because I was honest about what was
happening with her...
I just don't know.
I snitched and feel terrible about it, yet at the same time, maybe I should have snitched sooner so
that she could have gotten help right away.
OMG--what if she dies from all of those pills?!?!?? It would totally be my fault because I waited
all the way until fifth period to tell all.
Man oh man...life is so tough.
Why did it have to come to this.
Lacey is so miserable and I have no idea what is going to happen with her.
But please God, don't let her die....Good God, no.
:::::::::::::::Cries::::::::::::::::::::::::::

2002-10-03T19:51:00.000-07:00

I vacuum
I cook
I clean
I kill the ants in the kitchen
I basically play the role of "mommy" in my family and all for what?
I cannot believe she didn't even bother to thank me. It was the least she could do. And now here
she is bitching at me about how she "doesn't feel like going to the grocery store right now and why
is it so important for me to have jelly beans and fat free cottage cheese tonight?"
Hmmmmm mother dearest...maybe because there are only certain foods that I allow myself
to eat such as JELLY BEANS AND FAT FREE COTTAGE CHEESE which we currently do not
have in the house so forgive me for wanting to get some health and nutrition into my dying body!
GOSH. She is driving me insane with her pathetic excuses for being so irresponsible and such a
neglient parent...
I hate this shit.
Just shoot me now.

2002-10-02T19:16:00.000-07:00

Okay now...
I had my weigh-in today and so you are probably really curious how it went so I'll tell you!
It was awesome because I had "gained" two pounds since my last visit, making me a lovely
112 pounds on the doctor's slightly-too-heavy scale and my doctor was pleased about
the progress. The only problem was that she totally knew I did not REALLY weigh
that much because I sort of snickered when she mentioned the weight gain and because
she is perfectly aware of the fact that I'm really sneaky...but oh well. As long as the
scale has a good reading, everything is A-OK. So YAY! I'm so proud of myself,
yet disappointed at the same time because I mean wow I gained a whole nine pounds
since last night from solely water and water-based foods such as fruit and celery
consumption...and oh yeah, from the hmmmmm FIVE cans of Boosts I drank in a hurry
right before my appointment. And I did not have to have any tests done so no EKG
or blood tests...just a fat Vitamin B12 shot that was actually in my arm this week (OUCHIES).
Apparently I'm in fantastic health.....okay so I'm really not but shhhh don't rain on my
parade....the one negative thing the doctor said was that my heartbeat was really irregular
but that was it so hey...I'm sorta kinda doing better...
Well until I came home, that is and peed out a ton of the water weight (It was pure
misery sitting in the waiting room of the doctor's office, about to die from a burst
bladder. But I held it in anyway like a good girl) and puked out whatever was left in me...
yeah that was not too wonderful and it made my weight drop to 106 pounds so
man that was a huge load of liquids in me to have added on so much weight. Gosh
golly jeepers.
Incidicentally, I'm feeling ten thousand times better now than I was earlier today when
I had the worst fight with my mother. Can we say BITCH? She started screaming her
head off at me right after I woke up and told her I felt too anxious about my weigh-in
to go to school and that I wanted to stay at home instead and eat...and keep food down!
But nooooooo....lovely mommy dearest attacked me with her crazy talk of me not
being able to "stay at home (meaning I deserve to be hospitalized and/or taken away from my home)
if you can't even go to school" and how "you cannot miss EVERY wednesday because
of having to be weighed!" Oh and this was my favorite:
"YOU ARE GOING TO BE LOCKED AWAY IN A MENTAL INSTITUTION FOR THE REST
OF YOUR LIFE!"
Hmmmmmm...funny how she knows just what to say to make me jump for joy. Riiiiiight...more
like jump out of my skin from anxiety and anger. What was I to do in this situation? Scream?
Cry? Throw a tantrum?
Well I did not know what in the world to do so I did what I have done in the past and can
count on to make me feel better and bring me back to reality:
I cut.
It's a thin, perfectly-straight line on my wrist that it nicely covered by my watch and
if anyone happens to see it for some odd reason then I'm prepared to say that
my watch dug into me and it sliced my wrist a little bit. Sure that's a lame excuse
but it's good enough for the adults around me to believe. Ha ha ha. Who has the
last laugh NOW, mother?!?!?!?!?!?!
Anyway...so I ended up dragging my lazy butt to school after all the quarreling
and I could not even walk into my first period class without bawling so I demanded
that I see the school psychologist immediately and talked her into calling my mom
and having me go home to eat and rest. I'm such a great manipulator. I am
rather proud of that fact although I should really be incredibly ashamed...hmmmmmm.
Maybe someday I'll realize it's not a positive quality to be able to talk other's
into doing what I want and to know how to say just
the right things so that I can turn right back to my routine life with my eating disorder and avoid any
outside help.
How pathetic.
Yet I'm at ease this way so it gives me more good in my special little world than it does
bad.
Wow.....interesting how the voice of my disease really stands out like this over the true
"Amy" voice hiding inside of me.
The "real me" would never talk like this. That's rather depressing...the person who I would define as myself is simply dying...
I don't want to die, victimized by this disorder. Really I don't. It just has not sunk in yet
that I am ultimately the only one who can save me..I feel like someone else should play
the role of Savior in my life and come and rescue me. Riiiiight...like that's really going to
happen.
Anorexia's making me kind of stupid.
This is what she says:
"TOUGH LUCK."

2002-10-01T21:09:00.000-07:00

I've royally screwed up my life and all that is important to me....meaning my FRIENDS.
They ARE all that is important to me.
Sadness.
Worthlessness.
Total despair.
Shame.
Guilt.
Embarrassment.
It's official...I'm a dirty-rotten failure and now I can, by all means, call myself a

FAT BITCH.

:::::::::oink oink:::::::::::::::::::
:::::::::moo moo:::::::::::::::::::

2002-10-01T20:45:00.000-07:00

My day today consisted of me:
*Crying...no more like sobbing and literally choking/coughing from my tears
*Getting yelled at (spoken to harshly as said by other sources) by my resource teacher, Chaun
*Sleeping in the nurse's office for a few hours (on the rock-hard bed that made various bones
ache....like hmmm, my pelvic bones, my ribs, my shoulder bones, ugh everything hurt)
*Dreaming about good people (aka Julia, Joel, yeah cool individuals like that...)
*Talking to Manny (he is sooooooooo chill and such a totally therapeutic guy for me to
hang around)
*Coming home to the wonderful world of food and of course, purging...yeah just WONDERFUL
*Being happy
*Being sad
*Being utterly confused and hopeless
*Worrying about tomorrow's weigh-in

That sums it all up for you. Me and my lovely life of fun times. Pure happiness. I wish.
Time for some Ativan....and so yeah, I'll be going now.
Thank God for mellow meds...
=0(

2002-09-30T17:52:00.000-07:00

I had a reasonably good day today:
School went well and it turns out I didn't miss much when I was gone three days (due to eating-
disorder-related health problems) last week so yay because Stress-free's the way to be!
Riiiiiight I'm corny I know.
Joel called my resource class during third period today and so I got to talk to him for like
two seconds...my voice started breaking as I was telling him how much I missed him but I'm
happy because he is going to come and visit during first period sometime soon. YAY!
I'm officially freaking out because I have to gain such a massive amount of weight in the next
two days and my eating did not go well at all today even though I was going to make an effort
to gain weight. But no.....stupid little bitchy Amy had to go and puke MANY times and ended
up freakin LOSING more weight...UGH. I totally disgust myself. But tomorrow is a whole new
day so please God, let me eat and gain eleven pounds........PLEASE?!?!?!??!?!?!?!
This is very sad but I'm incredibly depressed about tonight because my mother invited my
grandparents over and it makes me sooooooo sad having to fake dramatic happiness so that I don't corrupt the old people....I love them and all but it hurts knowing that I'm putting on a big FAT
PHONY smile and pretending that the world is just fine and dandy...
*sigh*
And I'm also very upset because it means that I won't have any freedom tonight to eat and throw
up so boo hoo hoo...I'll go cry myself a river. =*********0(

2002-09-29T16:14:00.000-07:00

YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE!!!!!!
I HATE YOU...I HATE YOU...I HATE YOU!!!!
LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!

Okay...now that I got that out I'd like to announce to everyone reading this that I DESPISE Sean...
he is such a bastard you guys...okay so I was just watching ER this afternoon, thinking about the joys
of my life when it came to me. SEAN HAS FOR SURE BEEN READING MY BLOG! And how do I know
this? Well you see...last night when I was having my lovely phone convo with him, I casually
mentioned that "Kylie had created a blog for me" (I wanted to see how he reacted to get an idea if he was reading my blog or not) and he was like, "What's a blog?" And I
thought it was so weird that he didn't know what a blog was because I had talked about it so much
when we were dating and like how I had "read this in so and so's blog" and he seemed to know
what it was then.....so today I was thinking and I recalled that a few weeks ago (before he creeped me out) I had told him
how much I wanted to create a blog and how I wanted to come up with a cool username like
PorcelainSlave or something that had clandestine meanings....and he was totally gung-ho
about it and thought it was a great idea...so why would he suddenly now forget what a blog
is? And remember how I wrote about how he for some reason knew that Joel was leaving, last
night? Well I have come to the conclusion that he for sure is reading me blog, but only played
dumb when I asked him because he wanted to freakin check up on me in peace and to get
the inside scoop on the latest happenings in my life...What the fuck? I'm sorry you guys for
making a big deal out of Sean but he is seriously stalking me!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I don't like this
at all....I want him to leave me the hell alone....
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::cries::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
It freaks me out to think that this creepy guy knows all this stuff about me and can prey on my
vulnerability....
=0(

2002-09-29T12:57:00.000-07:00

"You have to gain two pounds every week up to a minimum weight of 130..." my doctor explained
while I bit off all of my fingernails and whined insanely.
Thank God it was only a dream....no a NIGHTMARE. OMG..there is no way in hell that I'd
ever put on ::::::::counts on fingers:::::::::: 27 pounds to get me all the way up to 130 when I'm okay
with my current weight. It is bad enough that I have to gain a lovely ten pounds even by this
Wednesday so that I don't get sent away inpatient or back to the hospital again...I'm going to try
my hardest to get up to 110 and then to drink water and eat a nice big meal right before my weigh
in so that it looks like I'm 113 pounds...that's not so bad. And crap...I am not going
to let myself throw
up on Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday until after my doctor's appointment because maybe it will
make my heart get semi-normal and then my doctor will be satsified with my EKG. That's going to
be way tough but oh well...hopefully I'll be successful. But here's a very scary thing for me: I'm going
to have to pack breakfast, a snack, and lunch to bring to school so I can eat there!!!!! AHHHH I have
never eaten anything at school since I first came into high school....and hmmm I'm a senior so that
makes what...three-four years of no eating lunch. Great...but I'm planning on bringing like a nice
bran muffin for breakfast, a beautiful can of vanilla Boost for a snack, and then I'm not sure about lunch.
Probably like some carrots, celery, fruit, maybe a bagel.....okay ugh I have not eaten that much in a
loooong time, and especially not at school...yikes. I just know that everyone is going to be
looking at me when I'm sitting there with all of that food.....I don't know if I can handle that.
I remember last year when I felt so sick that I actually brought an apple and a muffin to school
to eat during first period, these guys around me were like, "Damn Amy....what are you doing?
BINGING?" And that hurt me so much that I immediately ran to the bathroom and rid myself of the
awful calories. What fun.
Okay, okay....whatever happens tomorrow happens....and no matter what I'm going to do the
right thing and get some nutrition in me...
I hope...
*Sigh*

2002-09-28T22:21:00.000-07:00

~Two Tylenols~
~One Ativan~
~One Ambien~
All of these together make up one very confused, disoriented Amy with a really bad tummy ache
that she is trying to cure with a steaming cup of peppermint tea.

It's been a rough evening with Sean because he imed me and I explained to him how I've been
avoiding him because of the uncomfortable situation he put me in when I was in the hospital.
I mean, when I was in my hospital bed, hooked up to all of those lovely machines, he came
and visited me...that would have been fine but then he started touching me and rubbing my
leg while he was sitting on the side of my bed...and he kept making comments about my
boobs and stuff like that....he acted as if we were still going out! It made me feel really
creeped out. And so I ended up telling Julia about it when he left and she told the nurses
on five central (the unit I was on) that there was this ex-boyfriend who was harassing me
and basically stalking me....so they put a sign on my door that said, No Visitors--check
with nursing staff, to keep Sean out. And also, the nruses at the desk were screening my phone
calls to make sure he didn't bother me. It was an upsetting situation and so tonight when he
imed me, I tried to explain how awkward that was for me and he didn't understand. He was getting
me all worked up by pretty much accusing me of lying about everything and of overreacting
so I just blocked him on my buddy list and logged off.
Then he CALLED me! Gosh......and so we had a very awkward-silence-filled phone
conversation that did not resolve anything. Great. Sean really creeps me out....really badly. :::::::shudders::::::::::::::::
And I feel like he is watching my every move, like reading all of my posts on the SOED messageboard where I so often hang out at, just to check up on me....I'm really paranoid about this...and tonight when we were talking on the phone, I told him that I didn't want to tell
him anything about me and what's going on in my life recently because I don't trust him and have been having trust issues.
And do you know what he said? He was like, "Well do you have trust problems
because Joel's leaving?" What the heck? I NEVEr mentioned anything about Joel to
him....so my first thought was, shit he has been reading my blog!!! And so I asked
him why he said that about Joel and he claimed that I had told him earlier but there
is no way that I did, so crap.......I'm sooooo worried that he is
like watching my every move and sort of stalking me! Wah wah!!!!!!! =0(

2002-09-28T19:24:00.000-07:00

Sigh* I wish I could just live by myself and not have my annoying mother and her
oh-so-inconsiderate-comments ruining my bleak existence. I was making brownies
and had just taken them out of the oven...YES I ADMIT IT. I could not keep my hands
off of the gooey, chocolatey yumminess and so I was sort of picking off little crumbs
that I felt would not plague me with obesity with my fingers.Then SHE walked in the kitchen...
"AMY...you stop that right now. Use a utensil."
"I'm sorry, Mom...I was only doing it for a second."
"No....you ALWAYS eat with your fingers, even when we are out in public. You need to
develop some manners!"
Good God...she should know that it is very common for girls with eating disorders
to pick at food, forgetting to always use a fork or spoon. It's not like I purposely do
it just to bug the crap out of her, and she makes such a big deal out of it. GOSH....
She should be freakin happy that I'm actually eating, rather than criticizing my
method of consumption. But whatever...both of my parents love to nag me about
my eating or to be more specific, they question me all the time with:
"Have you eaten at all today? What have you eaten? When did you eat it? Are you going to
eat sometime soon? What will you have? Will it be a PROBLEM for you? Are you sure you're
getting enough calories? Are you drinking enough water? Why must you drink so much diet
soda? Why not drink the REAL thing?"
This is most often said by my father so you can imagine that I try to avoid coming in contact
with him when he drops by our house. All it does is make me want to never eat again because
it freaks me out to think that everyone is watching what I eat all the time...Yikes. Hey...that
totally reminds me of the funniest thing that happened the other day. OMG okay, I got to
tell you about it. LOL. I was sitting on the couch in my resource class at school one day
last week, and everyone (all the students and the teacher and teacher aides) was gathered
in a circle so we could talk about how our lovely days had been going...I pulled out a can
of Boost to drink because I was trying to get at least a little bit of nutrition into my frail
body...Chaun (the teacher...and yes since you are wondering, I DO call my teacher by his
first name) looked over, saw me opening the can of liquid calories, and decided to
announce to the whole class that "Amy is going to drink this entire Boost so let's all watch..."
He then proceeded to grab the can from me and read the nutrition facts aloud to everyone, causing
me to suddenly obsess over all of the 240 calories and 4 grams of fat that I was going to consume.
I was like, "Please stop...." in a whiny voice but he didn't seem to acknowledge the level of
gravity in my voice and so there I was, telling myself not to worry and to just drink the can,
freaking out because my peers had their eyes focused directly on me. Well then someone
walked in the classroom and during that one instance when all eyes focused on who had just
entered the room, I downed the whole can of Boost. Go me lol! When everyone turned to look
at me again, I simply stated, "I'm done." Hehehe....but anyway, the point of me sharing this
story with you is to reinforce the fact that the outside world is totally clueless when it comes
to eating disorders and how to act around us victims. I mean, how stupid can a person be?
Come on....making a huge deal about the calories I am digesting does NOT help me feel
better. Gees. You'd think that'd be perfectly obvious but apparently it isn't. So seeing as to
how the average person in our society fails to truly understand or even KNOW anything
about these terrible diseases, I feel that it is our duty as sufferers, to inform and enlighten
everyone so that ignorance can be outlawed and we can be supported through recovery, instead
of being completely disgusted at the thought of getting well from others' diotic comments.
Well then, I believe I've said enough for now so it's time for me to jet. Much love! =0)

2002-09-28T14:37:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning only about two hours ago, feeling as depressed and
miserable as usual because WAH WAH my tummy hurt and WAH WAH I was
cold and WAH WAH my weight had dropped again when I am supposed to be
gaining. Oh..and one more WAH WAH...I dreamt about Joel last night...that he
called me on the phone while I was at school in my resource class and we had
a really pleasant ten-minute conversation that made me cry because I missed him,
but left me feeling ten thousand times better because I knew he was not gone forever
and that I could still talk to him. So I was pretty happy in my sleep, until I woke up
that is, and realized that I had NOT had that phone convo with Joel and that he really
IS gone forever. Great...just great. Why am I so pathetic that my worries lately revolve
around the fact that one individual in my life has disappeared...I mean, it is just one
person and there are so many others who I can talk to and spill my guts to. But no...
sadness still crashes over my soul because this one guy was freakin SPECIAL...I
TRUSTED him and there is no one...NO ONE else in my life who I can trust in that
same way and be totally open with. NO ONE AT ALL. Sure, I have friends, both real-life
and online whom I can confide in, but we are all teenagers/young adults and it is just
different when you have an adult who has seemingly more wisdom and experience with the
ways of the world than you do, to converse with. So now my trust has vanished and I'm all
alone. Oh well...I'm over it. (not really but I can feign acceptance all I want, okay?!?!?!?) So anyway...continuing on with my lovely day...after I woke up and pushed through the misery,
I decided that it would be great fun to write letters to three awesome chicas in my life....REAL letters....HAND-WRITTEN letters to send via snail mail....so Emily, Kylie, and Cayce:
Be expecting some cool stuff from me in the mail soon, k? =0) Writing those letters
cheered me up a lot and so I was starting to be almost happy when I walked out of my
room, past my twin brother's room, and casually glanced out the window by his bed...
Suddenly all smiles, I noticed it was RAINING!!!! YAY!! I LOVE rain.....for some odd
reason, just seeing those raindrops trickle from the gray sky and hearing the little
pitter patter sounds against the roof, creates a fabulous sensation of joy in my heart!
So now I'm REALLY excited because it hardly rained at all here last year and especially
not in September in California...YES!!!! The Lord has touched my heart by sending this
beautiful weather to me!!! And here is a very positive thing: I am now highly motivated to do
my best to stay here at home for these cold and wet months this year, because last year I
missed out on Fall and Winter since I was locked away in a psych ward where I could only
glance out at endless buildings across the street, through the bars on the window of the
dayroom at UCLA. UGH....it was terrible and I actually want to be home for Halloween,
Thanksgiving, and Christmas this year!!! I remember how last year I had to come up with
this lame excuse just to get a pass to leave the unit of the neuropsychiatric building and
go out to dinner with my parents in Westwood for Thanksgiving. I claimed that (this is
sooooo fake and lame but I sprung tears on Dr. Strober when I announced this to him)
this would be the last Thanksgiving ever where my father would actually be able to eat real,
solid food because his disease (Lou Gehrig's disease) was deteriorating so rapidly that he
would have to have a feeding tube implanted in his stomach soon and would only be able to
consume liquids! Now at the time I didn't find that to be true or accurate at all, but well what
do you know? I was absolutely right because just a few weeks ago my father had that surgery to implant the PEG feeding tube in his stomach and so he actually WON'T be able to eat real
food this year at Thanksgiving dinner....it's such a shame that I ended up being right....gosh
darn it. But anyway....I don't want to go through all of that trouble just to enjoy the holidays
again this year, so I'm going to try hard to ::::::::::::gasps:::::::::::::: gain weight and :::::::::::::::::cries:::::::::::::::::::::: eat. Yikes that sounds scary. I'm going to try though...
or wait...I remember Joel once told me not to TRY, but to actually do it. So yeah...I think
I'll go have a bite of something now.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::grabs a bagel and runs outside to dance in the rain::::::::::::::::::::::::::

2002-09-27T20:40:00.000-07:00

Now that my blog has been miraculously "fixed" of its little annoyances by the
master of blogger, Kylie, I can actually post a real message about how I'm doing!
These past few days have been pretty rough for me because it was my first week
back at school since I was released from Cottage Hospital last Saturday morning
and I felt rather awkward, as if everyone was staring at me because I look so plump
and big, considering I gained five pounds while I was being treated. But aside from
those stupid paranoid feelings, I managed to make it through Monday and Tuesday
without having a nervous breakdown. But Wednesday...uggggggggh Wednesday was
not good at all. I had to see both my psychiatrist and my medical doctor, one right after
the other, and it left me feeling stressed out and scared. My medication has been switched
to a new anti-depressant called Lexapro and I'm officially off of Celexa (not that I ever actually
did take the Celexa but still.....I can pretend to have gradually reduced my dosage and
weaned myself off of it even though you can't exactly wean yourself off of something
that you have been getting ZERO milligrams of for four months LOL)! So that was what
my psychiatrist did for me and then my medical doctor succeeded in freaking me out terribly
when I visited with her...she did an EKG that was so awful that she also had to draw four
large viles of blood and give me a nice shot of Vitamin B12 in the butt. I asked her what was
so bad about my EKG, claiming that "my heart feels fine" and she whipped out a copy of
my EKG and shows me all of these problem spots on it, using doctor vocabulary that would
have been nice to use in layman's terms so I could understand. Basically, my heart is
straining...how odd. And so yeah....I'm supposed to gain weight until my heart returns to
normal but the thing is, as long as I continue to throw up all the time, my heart will still
be "straining" and I'll have a bad EKG so I'm afraid I'll end up gaining like fifty pounds
and STILL have heart troubles! ARG! And then as if I wasn't already miserable enough,
my friend, Lacey informed me that this 28-year-old, hott, really sweet and caring teacher
aide guy quit his job and won't be helping out at my school anymore! WAH WAH...
my heart is crushed because he was the only one I could talk to...like I mean, the
only trusted adult I could confide in and be honest with and now he is gone forever. ::::::::::::::::::cries::::::::::::::::
I miss Joel!!!!!!!!!!! Why did this have to happen
to me? I must have done something terribly wrong to deserve this because now I feel
so alone and depressed. *Sigh*

2002-09-27T20:14:00.000-07:00

I would like to announce to everyone that I LOVE Kylie with
all of my heart and soul and that she is the greatest, most skilled and talented
chica in the whole wide world! Mwahs!! =0)

2002-09-27T19:45:00.000-07:00

hey guys this is Kylie-Amy is letting me do her blog
(as the interior decorator-ooh la la!) so I feel special. testing the blog one two three....
I hope it works!

2002-09-27T14:44:00.000-07:00

...

2002-09-27T13:07:00.000-07:00

Hi there~!~ I'm Amy and I just created this blog since so many of my special SOEDers have been asking me to! Some basic information about me is: I'm 17 years old, am anorexic and bulimic, live in California, have been hospitalized six times for my eating disorder, am an EX-cutter, and yeah that's me! Things I enjoy doing are: wakeboarding, singing, writing poetry and short stories, shopping, petting doggies, talking to my online SOED chicas, smiling, laughing, cooking, watching TV (ER is my all-time fav show), going to the beach, and eating....So nice to meet you if I don't already know you hehehe! =0)
This is a test........this is ONLY a test...........BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Okay I'm over it!!!